Hi CV, sorry it took awhile to respond. There was a period of time between Sept 2010 and Feb 2011 when H was in and out of the house. I never really started recovering until the final separation happened. I was doing all of those things, but wasn’t really starting to get grounded until the break happened. I have no idea why he came back and I don’t know if any of us will ever know. But I was a very different person from when he left. There is no arguing that.
Yes, I was married briefly when I was young. That one was very easy to walk away from, sadly. He was a good person but I had fallen into bad patterns that I had all my life. Our fights were marked by a lot of verbal abuse and nastiness. He never seemed to like me much and always seemed to have something to say. I was fat, my hair was ugly, my clothes were ugly, I didn’t do this or that right. One day I just got tired of it. One day I just said enough. I have a habit with people to be a chameleon. I can be whatever you want me to be. Classic people pleasing behavior. I curbed that with my exH, but I’m not sure it ever went away. Well, according to therapist, it never did.
His kids hurt you? It sounds like they did. You are tough but you seem to get tougher when the vulnerabilities are exposed. Were you always so convicted that they weren’t your children or did that conviction occur after a time? I see that you felt they took advantage, but is that the whole story? Were you hurt because they didn’t respect you or were you hurt because he didn’t defend you or both? You said that you would do anything for your son. I think every parent on here would say the same thing. He’s got the same thinking. He would do anything for his children. Unfortunately, you got hurt in the middle of that. If you moved onto your next R and your son was doing something your next H didn’t like, what do you think would happen? I guarantee you that you have it right that your H feels some sort of guilt in regards to his children. I watch it with my mom now. Growing up, things were much different with my parents with all of the kids (there are 4 of us by my mom). She married an alcoholic who allowed an incredibly bad environment for all involved. So bad that child services had removed several of us. In addition, her relationship with her kids was very bad. She eventually found God and did all she could to mend that as we were adults. I’ve seen several of my siblings take advantage of it. I get upset with her sometimes but she can’t seem to help herself.
What was the breakdown of your H’s marriage about? What happened there?
You said that you thought a good compromise was he did what he wanted and you check out. You can agree with me why he wouldn’t think that was a good compromise. I mean that’s how he’s compromised with his marriage, isn’t it? You go off and do your own things and he’s taken no interest. But you have stated that there is emptiness in that for you. I’m sure he feels the same way. Right, wrong or indifferent, it appears that compromise that you have offered to him has brought equal emptiness.
Again, I’m not here to encourage you to leave. I am more than willing to sit here forever and talk to you about whatever you want including fixing things with your M. This question is just as much for me as it is for you. But, do you think that some people are so different in their goals in life that there comes a time where there is no acceptable compromise and it’s time to part ways? I was taught in DB that if you once found a connection and got married, you can find it again. But do you think that’s always true or does there does come a time that there is no finding that common bond anymore? I see a lot of advice about changing ourselves. Sometimes and in some ways that advice is necessary. However, there are some changes that are not palpable to people or not even possible. For instance, if my H wanted children suddenly, I could not deliver on that. I can’t have children. Now some could come to me and say you could adopt. And maybe I could. But the idea of going through the horrible process of possibly losing more children is something I couldn’t do. Others could. What’s acceptable for one, just isn’t for others. I don’t know. My mind is all over the place.
