I guess I must ask...is it normal for the WAS to be sad and depressed and upset and going through hell but still think its the best plan to leave? I would think that if things arent working out he would come back..but he doesnt. Maybe he is just sad about everything in his life except OW so therefore, he continues?
SB, yes, this is normal. You are trying to rationally understand something that is completely irrational. You seem to be turning the situation over and looking at it from all angles to find some little crack or inconsistency, like a loose thread you can pull to unravel it all.
Its like having your car stuck in the sand and continuing to press the gas to try to get out -- you just get more stuck.
What you are doing is also normal -- its a coping mechanism. When we feel hurt and out of control we seek to understand what happened so we can make sure it won't happen again. We feel that if we understand how its broken we can fix it. When it can't be understood or logically fixed it makes us anxious.
Your husband feels hurt and unloved by being distanced from his family, yet he chooses to remain distant. That makes no logical sense so it cannot be understood.
The only way to deal with it is to surrender to the fact that it cannot be understood and that you cannot change what he is doing. You need to surrender to that. That's a decision on your part and then takes will.
Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
