I've been reading posts on this site for about 8 months now and now that I'm alone I find I have the time to post my story. Here is the condenced version:
The begining of last year I noticed my wife of 15 years not happy and we weren't getting along. She was going out more and drinking and I wasn't approving of that. But the more I complaned the more she seemed to do it. Many arguments over this and I moved out for a couple days due to it. I came back and we proceeded to get marrige counseling. This seemed to help a little but not too much. She just seemed to be holding something back.
Then we went on a family vacation and I stumbled across a love text from OM. I was shocked to say the least. She admitted to an EA at that point. I did my best to be reasonable and told her I could forgive her for that and accept my responiblity in driving her away. We headed home and went to a meeting with the counselor. My wife seemed to regret it and we seemed to move forward for a month or so.
Then a coworker of hers was having a party and the OM was going to be there. I was definetly not ok with this. But in trying to be a bigger person decided to go meet with the OM and draw a line in the sand. I met with him and it went ok. I told him to mind his own business and I wouldn't talk to his wife about it. We left with a mutual understanding..or so I thought.
A couple weeks after the party I awoke early and something didnt seem right. I went through her purse and found damming evidence of a PA. I went back to bed and woke her up and confronted her. She new my evidence was undenyable and she fessed up. I told her to get her stuff and leave. She did.. for a night or 2. Then she suckered me back in to the house and I folded. This is the point in which i look back to and think I could have ended it and saved 6 mo of my life and been moving on by now.
I called the OM's wife and put her in the know as I told the OM would happen if he didnt back off. She was shocked and devistated. Especailly since she was pregnant!
In June we told the kids we were getting divorced and that hurt. I felt like a failure. I told my wife lets just work on our freindship and see how it goes. She agreed.
We put the house up on the market in July so if it didn't work out one of us wouldn't be stuck holding the bag. We got an offer in the first 2 wks. It was a long closing for the house so I felt it was a gift to work on our freindship. In those 2 mo we went on a couple nice family vacations and really had I good time. I felt I had my best freind back!
When we got back I though an odd squence of events found out though other people that my wife had had 2 other affairs in the last 4 years! I confronted her and she confessed after some prodding. The fool that I was I told my self that was in the past and it didn't bother me as much as the more current one. I chose to back burner it and continue to show I was a commited person and continue to work on our freindship.
The house sold and we move into an apt together with our 2 kids. Things were great for another month or so. Then my gut told me something was going on again. She was starting to pull away again. Then the lock on the phone. I'd keep asking about it and would be told no but I knew better at this pt.
I finally had enough and told her if she did't start looking for another job(OM was a coworker) that it was over. Her response was basically why does it matter aren't we getting divorced shortly??? I thought things were going great and hoping she would see we could make this work but she told me she still felt the same way she did earlier in the year ILYBNILWY ... I was devestated.
I looked breifly for another place to stay but she has the more contant income so she could more easily afford another place. So I came back and asked her to leave. She found a place in a week. I helped her move and purchase furnichure and accesories as I told her I would months prior if things didn't work out. We decided a fair split of our possetions and decided to share a lawyer to proceed witrh the divorce. Since I konw all the financials I was the persn in charge of that. So on the 2Oth the attorney filied the first part of the divorce proceedings. Then came xmas...
I tried to put on a happy face for the kids but it was hard. We as a family(one last time) did what we always do for Xmas. We went to both sets of parents and brothers to celebrate. I found it to be sadening and awkward.
After the holidays I just decided I can't be freinds with her right now as she admitted to wanting to try a future with the OM. They are at least back to talking and his wife has had the baby and she has moved out. When my wife and I are together we get along great as good freinds should. Just seeing her brings my out of a funk but when she leaves reality sets in and I'm lower than when I saw her. I told her not to call or text me unless its business related(divorce) or the kids which we are sharing weekly. This lasted a day or 2. I am having trouble separating myself from her. Especially since we share the kids. But also because I'm afraid to let go........I still love her and just want her to come out of the fog. Do I give up now or keep fighting? and how?
If you were able to reconcile with your W at this point, would you be able to trust her again after 3 affairs in the past 4 years? I don't think I would consider reconciliation unless your W came to you and was willing to do the work to make the changes. It doesn't sound like she is anywhere near that point right now.
Sorry you are here, but you came to the right place for support.
Only you can decide to "give up." It doesn't sound like you are ready to do that. However, you have no control over what your W does/does not do.
Seeing your W brings you out of a funk? This will change over time. I felt that way w H for a long time, but now I feel the opposite--I feel better when he's not around. He too is involved w OW & wants a future w her.
As long as a OP is in the picture it is impossible to R. You have to work on yourself. Figure out what 180s you need to do--what did W complain about to you? Find GAL activities--things that make YOU happy. Find a way to relieve your anxiety-exercise helps a lot of us & there are so many good things that come from that.
Detaching is tough. I think that is something that comes over time when YOU are ready and have grieved yourself M as being over. (This doesn't mean you and your W can't have a new R down the road, but you would have to wipe the slate clean & she would have to be willing to put in the work).
Good luck & come here to vent often. You will get lots of good advice!
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
In June we told the kids we were getting divorced and that hurt. I felt like a failure. I told my wife lets just work on our freindship and see how it goes. She agreed.
Then you agreed to divorce and informed the kids...
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I finally had enough and told her if she did't start looking for another job(OM was a coworker) that it was over. Her response was basically why does it matter aren't we getting divorced shortly??? I thought things were going great and hoping she would see we could make this work but she told me she still felt the same way she did earlier in the year ILYBNILWY ... I was devestated.
This is the part I don't understand. You had already kicked your W out, you already announced the divorce to the family, you already sold your house in preparation for the divorce, but now you decided to give your wife an ultimatum about quitting her job or "it's over"? What's over? You already agreed on divorce and sound pretty far down that road.
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So I came back and asked her to leave.
Then you kicked her out again...
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We decided a fair split of our possetions and decided to share a lawyer to proceed witrh the divorce. Since I konw all the financials I was the persn in charge of that. So on the 2Oth the attorney filied the first part of the divorce proceedings.
Worked out more details on the divorce with you leading the process...
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I am having trouble separating myself from her. Especially since we share the kids. But also because I'm afraid to let go........I still love her and just want her to come out of the fog. Do I give up now or keep fighting? and how?
Yet you say you still love her and want her to "come out of the fog"? YOU are the one that's been driving the separation and divorce, why are you doing that if you want to stay with her? What do you mean by "Do I give up now or keep fighting?" It sounds to me like you gave up a long time ago and have done nothing to fight for the marriage. I've read a lot of threads here, but yours is the most confusing I've seen. You must first decide whether or not you want to save the M, then you have to take appropriate action.
If you want to save the M, everything you've done to this point has been the opposite of what you should be doing. Read DR and develop your DB'ing plan.
Karen43 Thank you for the response. But yes that is what I worry about also. I believe it may have been more like 1 affair in the last 4yrs and the other 2 at another job prior. So maybe more like 3 in 8 years? I'm not sure the timeline for the others as I didn't feel it would help me to get more details about them. I agree that for any chance she needs to make a huge effort and seek some sort of counseling. But she's not there yet.....
LittleGTO
Thank you also! You are right, with OP in her life this can't be fixed. I am trying my hardest to detach right now but I'm having trouble as we share the kids every 3-4 days. I hve seen her less in the last week and I think its starting to feel better........a little bit.
AnotherStander
Wow. To have someone inturpret my story like that is a kick in the chest. I'm not sure how to respond to your view exept I highly disagree. I have to run to an appt but will try to respond to your pts later.
For some reason I will try to take the time to explain myself to you in the post.
1) Yes after going to months of counseling with her and excusing her EA(I thought that all it was) When I found out it had been an ongoing PA I asked her to leave. Thats about when I found this site and ordered and read the DR book. Mistake? Maybe but e was only gone a day or 2, so I'm not sure.
2)She stopped going to the counseling and we had a few on and off weeks. She had been telling me ILYBNILWY for months now and that SHE wanted a divorce. So to ACT like I was ok with moving on I agreed. This is when we told the kids.
3)I have always dealt with the families finances so I know one of us couldn't afford the home by ourselves. So I told her(I thought WE decided) that we should sell the house in the good time of the year(summer) and get the kids settled in the summer in a diff place. That way if/when things didn't work out the house wouldn't be looming over our heads. At that pt we were each going to move into our parents homes for a brief time. While the house was on the market I was doing my best to bo 180s and working on rebuilding our freindship that was lost along the way. The house sold but had a long closing and I decided when it sold I would fix up and move into a property that I manage. Things were going well between us so I told her she could move in as long as we were faithful and working on our freindship. I wouldnt say marrige because that would scare her off. I just kept working at it for the last 4 months or so and hoped she would see we could work it out. During this time we really did improve our freindship but mention working on our marrige and she would back off.
4)Then November came and she was acting odd and becoming more distant. I knew what was going on. This was when I had to make a stand for my own self. I gave her the ultimation. Is there not a chapter in the book about this? I didn't want to trust me but this was not healthy for me anymore. Letting her cake eat and have the security at home and the fun on the side was eating me up. I'm not a patient person so for me to have lasted a almost year before this was a feat in itself that I'm proud of.
5)As far a working out the details for the divorce what would you have recommended? Like I have said before I know our financials....She doesn't even know how much she makes!! I figured I had to follow through with my ultimatiom and protect myself in the process.
-Finally to respond to your last paragraph don't want a divorce. I haven't been driving this, maybe enabling. The bottom line is right now my W is in love with another person... Am I supposed to bury my head in the sand? I have to some degree and tried to get our freindship back on track and hope to work from there. I think she did come in and out of wanting to stay married but her mind is with someone new. Are you staying that I should have continued to let her cheat under my nose? Not protected my rights as a father and my financhal future and make sure the papers are drawn up correctly? Because you better believe I would give up anything(except kids) to have her come around. My current hope is to do my 180's, GAL and let her go figure out that the grass isn't greener. I hope that she will later on realize what she has given up and want to return to try. I guess I basing it on the old saying:
“If you love something let it go free. If it doesn't come back, you never had it. If it comes back, love it forever.”
It sounds like you've been doing a good job to me. I agree that GALing and 180s are what you should be focused on at this point. You can't work on a relationship with 3 in it. I think you are doing great if you can just limit your communication to short, business-like emails about your kids. The more you detach, the better for you....
Detaching is so hard!!!! We split the time with the kids 3-4 days a week so no communication is almost impossible. Also i've been with her for almost 17 years so I miss being around her.
Tonight via text I offered to pick up the kids from school tommorrow and told her she was welcome to come over and have dinner and pick up the kids(her first day to have them this week). Hoping this would show I can take care of myself with out her but it might be too soon. I've kept conversations short for the last week or so and this would be be the longest all year. Did I screw up??
She had been telling me ILYBNILWY for months now and that SHE wanted a divorce. So to ACT like I was ok with moving on I agreed.
What Michele goes over in DR is that we need to validate the WAS's emotions, but that doesn't mean agreeing or disagreeing. So for example, if they say they want separation we might respond with "I would rather you stay and work on the M, but I want you to be happy and if you feel this will make you happy then I support your decision." In fact that's practically word-for-word what I told my W, and it came from info in DR and Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. Before reading those I probably would have begged her to stay which would have done even more damage. Anyway, the point is you don't need to agree or disagree, just validate.
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I gave her the ultimation. Is there not a chapter in the book about this? I didn't want to trust me but this was not healthy for me anymore.
If you're done trying and ready for divorce, that's the only time you lay down an ultimatum. If you want to save the M then there are things that you do not do, one is lay down ultimatums. In fact you should not have any relationship talks at all. You should act "as if" everything is fine. You should project a PMA at all times. See Sandi's DB 180 tips sticky at the top of the forum.
"20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while), this takes patience on your behalf."
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As far a working out the details for the divorce what would you have recommended?
These forums are geared towards DB'ing in an effort to try and save marriages, they're not really focused on divorce advice. You'll see it said often here that the LBS should do absolutely nothing regarding divorce proceedings, and should in fact delay proceedings as long as possible if the WAS pursues it. If you want to save the M, then you should not be pursuing D in any way, shape or form. It's very common for the WAS to talk a lot about D early on, but then when the LBS starts DB'ing the WAS drops the subject completely.
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-Finally to respond to your last paragraph don't want a divorce.
OK, well then you're in the right place
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The bottom line is right now my W is in love with another person... Am I supposed to bury my head in the sand?
DB'ing is not about ignoring things, but it is about not focusing on things you can't control. It's about changing the one thing you can control- YOU. You cannot change your W. But you can change yourself and make yourself a H only a fool would leave, and maybe in the process attract your W back to you again.
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Are you staying that I should have continued to let her cheat under my nose?
No, I'm saying don't threaten her unless you're well and truly done with the M. Many marriages have been saved after affairs, an affair is not the end of the M unless you choose for it to be.
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Not protected my rights as a father and my financhal future and make sure the papers are drawn up correctly?
I don't see pursuing a divorce as protecting your rights nor your financial future. Divorce typically creates financial havoc for both parties.
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My current hope is to do my 180's, GAL and let her go figure out that the grass isn't greener.
Yes, that should be your mandate. Work on yourself and give her plenty of time and space. Regardless of whether it saves the M, you'll emerge a better person.
Well I couldn't think of a good excuse to call of the dinner with the wife and family. Today was the day we trade the kids for the rest of week so it made some sense. That and I had meat in the fridge that would have gone bad if I wasn't cooking for more than myself! I put on a good show of being upbeat and happy despite being the opposite on the inside. It was nice to see her as always and talk to about anything but us. I made sure no "where were you the other night", no relationship talk or and physical touching(hug/kiss).It was nice, But.........
I think she likes it like that. Perfect to cake eat. No guilt, no pressure, just a good freindship. If we were divorced and it was months down the road it might work for me but not right now with someone else in the picture. Thats painful. Knowing that I'm struggling to move forward and find some way to salvage our marrige and she is in a "fun" new relationship.
I'm going to try detaching even more for the next week. Its hard because I'm a responsive person. If you text/call me you get a response because that's how I like to be treated. I feel bad if I don't.
