A lot has happened since he came home. Some good, some not so good. He still professes to love me and hasn't used the "love you but not in love with you" line. Wants things to stay as they are with us and missed me terribly while he was away. He has mood swings based on what I believe are his ups and downs with the OW. He told me that he was set to leave 6 days into his trip, had a ticket to come home but didn't say why he ended up staying.
When I picked him up at the airport he looked AWFUL. I have never seen him look the way he did that day and the days that followed. Finally, I told him that he wasn't looking very well and asked if he was feeling okay. I also told him that he looked like he had lost weight. Asked him to weigh himself. He's lost 25 lbs since the he started on this "journey of discovery" about 7 months ago. He was shocked and looked worried. We have had some very good and I thought productive conversations, most started by him. He isn't angry but just matter of fact when he tells me what he feels like and is still using the "it's my time" approach to life. He seems to be on a parallel roller-coaster ride with me but refuses to go to counseling for himself. He is now actively seeking something to keep himself busy. We're going to a 2 day writing workshop later this week and he is going to look for something to keep himself busy, maybe a part time job, come January.
He mentioned another trip to the state where the OW lives sometime around the holidays. He told me last night that he knows that I missed him when he was gone and repeated that he missed me terribly while he was away but that I know he doesn't like the holidays so it should be okay bc I'll be busy. WTF?
This man seems so sane at times but so off in left field at others. He is talking about selling off some investments and just doing what he wants with the proceeds. Is he testing me? Is he losing his mind? He is making me crazy.
He is one f'ing confused man and nothing that I've said or done makes one bit of difference. Where to go from here. I've tried living as if he weren't here, doing things alone but then he makes reservations at a nice restaurant and wants to "spoil me" (guilt) because I deserve it. I don't want to be dragged back into his drama but I love and care about him so I can't just turn my back on him totally.
I say it's a brain tumor. LOL. He says he's happy yet he's obviously not. I encouraged him to go to the Dr. to check out the reason why he's lost weight and he agreed but hasn't made an appointment yet.
Ideas welcome!!!
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Well, this morning he came to me to ask for some advice. Because we both know the OW (and her H), he wanted to know if I saw her behavior as blah, blah, blah. He is starting to realize that this woman is looking for a way out of her marriage! The fact that all she cares about is money must have come up in one of their conversations and now that he's had several weeks to think about her motives, he's realized that she doesn't really want much to do with him unless he is willing to spend money on her!!!! I semi agreed that he might be right and sited a few instances when we first met the OW and her H and it all started making sense to him!!!!! I'm not saying that he is going to magically be "normal" but it's a start.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
The shine is a comin' off revealing the turd within OW....this is a good sign, imo.
Now, let him figure out all this for himself, stay back, he has to do the hard work, the embarrassing work (he is going to feel like a complete idiot once this reality fully sinks in). If he tries to pull you in to much, politely decline, nicely saying something like "This is your decision to make (or "for you to figure out"), I trust you to find what works for you"...you know what I mean...
Just be you, the better choice!
T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Yes, he did want me to get more involved in the answer to his request for my advice and boy did he want to talk so I let him....for about 10 minutes before I sited those incidents. I let him talk for awhile longer until he tried to drag me into a bigger conversation. I thought he was testing me to see if I would bad mouth her and I believe it surprised him when I didn't and just told him, "that's for you decide, I don't have an opinion on that". Shortly after that he turned his attention back to me and complimented me on how I look today! YES!
I knew that "the shine" would become dull but I didn't expect it to be quite this soon. She is a cunning woman and has done this many times before. Her H will be happy that this one didn't last as long as some of the previous affairs.
He's lurking so I'm not sure when I'll be back on but thanks for commenting, it's encouraging to say the least.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
I'm still here. Not much has changed. He's still talking to the OW but not as often as before. The most recent conversations revolve around him telling me that he doesn't like himself for what he's doing and appreciates that I am the way I am with him, whatever that means. He's still a little bit distant at times as if he's deep in thought. I leave him alone to think and listen when he needs an ear. I get the feeling that he's wrestling with thoughts of making another trip to see the OW and I'm waiting for that conversation. We've had some times of normalcy but it's mostly been as if he's depressed. He spends a lot of time on the computer, doesn't want to eat and is generally quiet.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
Update: He has once again made the trip to visit the OW. He left this morning. He sent me a text just before the flight took off telling me that he loved me and already missed me. WTF???? I don't get this at all. He is not following the typical MLC "rules". LOL! I don't know how to deal with him. He claims that our marriage isn't over that he just needs to "take this journey". It's a painful journey for him, I know that for sure. He is restless, can't sleep and eats very little. He's aged 5 years over the past 6 months. Still showing him the happy, fun, positive ME whenever possible. I listen to the alien talk, agree with him the best I can when he shares his feelings and encourage him to make decisions without my opinion. What more can I do?
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
He told me that he was going off to see her again. In fact, he tells me more than I want to know most of the time. I guess it's guilt and not wanting to lie about anything. Of course he doesn't tell me details of what he does with her when he is there visiting but tells me what HE does. He knows how much I hate and won't tolerate lies so even if he doesn't tell me everything he can say that he isn't lying, right? Convoluted thinking for sure.
Me:57H:62 M:34T:35 2S,2D (grown nlah) BD:09/2012 visits M ow EA/PA?:10/2012 H moves out 06/2013
"Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace." -Dalai Lama
So why again is he being allowed back home? IMHO, if he texts or tries to contact you, DO NOT respond. Let him start thinking about what YOU're doing for a change.
If it were me I would have sent him a text saying "Sorry I figured that if you're willing to go to another woman, then you're not worth it. I'm going to find a man who respects and loves me for me."
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
My ex tried to tell me, the day we went to court, that it wasnt going to work with ow because....blah blah blah.
Your h is using you to be his "best friend" You havent gotten angry and are listening, so he is feeling safe. He also is MAKING SURE you get some pampering, so you continue to stay where you are.
SOme might think being his friend is ok. but I think if he isnt scared he is gonna lose you, and you keep up your routine, he will continue to see other woman.....AND maybe they get things moving further along. I think NOW is the time to say...."alright, if this is what you want.....than have at it". I say NOW because things arent so great with him and her. and he seems confused.
Go away together, do something fun that you havent done in awhile. He is depressed and bored. Dress up and have WILD....you know what i mean. lol ANYTHING to shake things up!
