New Year, New Life (19 months)

[adinva]

So all day I've stewed on this. I think my message is meant for H not MIL. For MIL I need to just back all the way down to perfectly clear and pleasant. We are not going to have it out emotionally, come to understand one another better, and go on to have a relationship without H in it. That's just not reality.

BTW it was IC who suggested I should talk directly to MIL, ask her why she decided not to see us on Christmas. So I could find out if she just didn't know I wanted to see her and the kids did too, and we were disappointed not to. And I did not know that H never passed my invitation on to her, if he in fact didn't. Since that is water under the bridge I was extrapolating it to our next interaction. But it doesn't feel comfortable for me to try to be real and authentic with my MIL. She comes at things from a different angle and then I feel misunderstood. She can be very judgmental.

For H, what I wrote down wasn't exactly right either, but this is what I was thinking:
[H], this has been extremely painful for me to go the last year and a half and all through this Christmas again, pretending like we are together and putting a smile on and acting for your family, and I do not want to do that anymore so I'm not planning to go this weekend. You have decided to split up our family and I think we need to start acting like it so I am not confused and no one else is. Maybe in the future we'll do activities together, but you are in the process of divorcing me and we just went public with that. It is very raw for me and it bothers me that no one acts like they care at all. I need time to heal from this."

BTW I got a response on the doorbell. He texted me "Does that mean ring the doorbell or not?"

I wrote back (after stopping to laugh incredulously that I am having this conversation with an adult): "If you need someone to open the door usually one ring is normal. If you are just coming in the 8 beeps are as audible as the doorbell so it is really extraneous. A dozen rings is far beyond extraneous." (did I really need to explain this? he does not ring the doorbell 20 times and jump in like ta-da!!!!! at our friends' houses?!?!)

He wrote back "Ok."

I am going to hit myself on the forehead with a slipper.

He just got here. No doorbell. S12 just went over to talk to him. Aaaaahhhhhhh.