"She also said that she knew she wasn't treating me how I should be treated, or loving me the way she should. She said she didn't really feel like making me happy, or rushing home to see me, all those things she used to feel. She said she was "tolerant" of me mostly."
Wow this is almost word for word I got in May.
I feel for you pal. It does feel like a slap in the face. Very patronizing.
Keep DBing and being who you are. People remind me to be consistent. It is true, she does not trust the changes and that will be her wrong assumption.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
W just left me a msg that she asked for a 90 day extension. She said she wanted to think about it a bit longer and said that she wasn't able to figure out some of the things she wanted to. She also said that if I was done and just wanted to get it over with, we could do that as well.
Really? Is that why I've been working my @ss off for 2 years? To give up? Sheesh woman! Ok...vent off.
She came home a few mins later and we talked for about 10 mins. She was saying all kinds of weird things that made no sense like "You're telling me to hurry up" and "You're saying I need to change" etc etc. I said when did I say that....response "8 months ago." I said "there are some things I don't like in our relationship, but I haven't been asking you to change. I think over the last 3-4-5 months we've operated as a couple in a way I could only dream. Everything is balanced. I am not complaining at all."
She mentioned that she was working on her own issues, wasn't sure about how to get over things, and maybe she'd just end up a bitter old lady like her mom.
She had to go help her B with his kids but stopped to kiss me on the way out and said she'd call on her way home. What the flip!?
Honestly, I think she was completely caught off-guard by the whole thing. I think she's frustrated and acting out at me because of it. I don't think any of this crap she's slinging is real. There's basis for a lot of it, but it's all old news and out of context.
I went ahead and scheduled another coaching session for Monday, so that should give me a little time to see what the W is thinking. Sounds like I have 3 more months....the question is more of the same happy limbo or detachment?
I'm in the middle of the ultimate reset and they say to avoid stress....man did I pick the wrong time to start!
As Cadet always says, "she is giving you the gift of time. Use it wisely". I don't know about you but when a timeframe is attached there is a lot of pressure and anxiety but so is not having a timeframe, so bizarre. I think overall it is a good sign, but be careful.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
I suppose the next few days are going to be a roller coaster. W text me today that we could extend the conference 30 days at a time for up to 90 days, but I'd have to sign the paperwork saying I received all the papers.
Perhaps this is the attorney trying to cover their @ss because they didn't push this out already, or perhaps it's what they know based on experience, or maybe they are just running up W's bill, or maybe my W is trying to screw me here...who knows. But I called the court and this isn't the way they explained it to me at all so I will just go Monday and see what the judge says.
I went to lunch with my B today...he's trying to be nice, but he's definitely on the "you've done enough" boat. Still, it was good to get out. Heading over to his house after dinner for a bit.
Also went ahead and ordered some new weights and my next workout. I'm stoked to get started!
BD - how are you doing? Your sitch has been on my mind a lot lately.
Thanks buddy....I'm doing pretty good. I talked to the court admin and talked to my SIL (who's in law school) and decided that I'm going to ask for a continuance of 6 months so that we can sell the house. I do not want to be in a position where we have to go ask for a continuance every 30 days and W can cause headaches any given month if she's irritated about something.
I set up some DB coaching for Monday afternoon so whatever happens, I'm sure that pep talk will help.
W continues to act like everything's great....we hang out, we ML, we plan things together, etc. So I guess on one hand, things are pretty great. Honestly, if we didn't have the court date, I'd be chugging right along in happy limbo still.
On the negative side, W is still regularly talking to OM. I saw that he was texting her last night and this morning I saw that she had deleted it. I actually mentioned it and she lied about it, and when I called her out, she said "I didn't say I didn't talk to him, I said I didn't remember." I shouldn't have even mentioned it, so I dropped it right there.
I'm still a bit on the fence with do I keep doing what I'm doing, or do I draw a line in the sand with regards to her committing to the M and stopping contact with OM. I guess short term I'm thinking "do what I'm doing" until house sells and then draw the line before we move.
Outside of that, I'm itching for some more GAL. I got all my new equipment for the next 90 day workout and I'm stoked about that, but I really want to do something out of the house.
On the negative side, W is still regularly talking to OM. I saw that he was texting her last night and this morning I saw that she had deleted it. I actually mentioned it and she lied about it, and when I called her out, she said "I didn't say I didn't talk to him, I said I didn't remember."
I know it has to be hard since W is acting like everything is great and you guys are doing things together but are you really ok with this?
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
^^The question I wanted to ask too, also, the "if you're done" is a bit of a temperature check and I like the way you answered later on about some things you don't like, but was dream relationship.
Try keeping a written track of how things go (good or bad) Then you will get an idea, I think, of how and why she responds like she does and you can adjust accordingly.
And 2 years? PFFFT....flash in the pan boy....I think I will be settling in beside you lol!
On the negative side, W is still regularly talking to OM. I saw that he was texting her last night and this morning I saw that she had deleted it. I actually mentioned it and she lied about it, and when I called her out, she said "I didn't say I didn't talk to him, I said I didn't remember."
I know it has to be hard since W is acting like everything is great and you guys are doing things together but are you really ok with this?
OM was an EA, and she still talks to him thru work, but I am pretty sure he wants to keep the EA going, so no, I'm not ok with it. When we last discussed it, W went on and on about how much business she'd lose if she cut contact completely and I said something along the lines of "I know it can't be immediate, but I would like you to start working on an exit strategy." I've also told her I would not be in a M where he is involved in any shape or form.
With all that said, we really are both stuck until the house sells so on some level I wonder if she's just making the best of it. She has a strong need to "get along" and the way we're living now is a lot easier (and fun) than sleeping in separate rooms and having tension.
Originally Posted By: Inside Out
And 2 years? PFFFT....flash in the pan boy....I think I will be settling in beside you lol!
Hah! Thanks for stopping by Ruby and it really has gone by fast. I told her a while back that if this was her not knowing what she wants, I'd take it for another 40-50 years.
Breakdown, just catching up on your sitch. That is confusing, to say the least. I am sorry, what a crappy place to be. I think you've done right by just going along with the tide, accepting things as they are (after all, they seem pretty good).
Wondering if all the ML and nice things are insecurity on her part. That is the impression I get. Like she's trying to "keep you". Maybe the D is a self-protection strategy... I don't know.
I do say I understand her inability to drop OM. She is obviously getting something from him that she needs, period. In my case, with OM1, I was getting sympathy, empathy, kindness, and caring. Because I was not getting very much of this at home, I was highly unmotivated to give that up. Unfulfilled needs drive us... and some of us are better at denying ourselves than others.
I hope you can get the continuance and postpone legal action... I just wish your W would make up her mind... you are a good man for hanging in there.
Me54, H53 M 23, T 25 S20, S18 BD: April 2024 Moved out: August 2024
Love means not giving up on someone even if they've given up on you.
"Being right is the booby prize of life." - Susan Page
