I was so suprised--though we weren't really connected, we have an active happy family life, and we don't argue or fight.
So many of us can relate to this. We thought we had great, maybe even perfect marriages right up until BD. But our spouses clearly didn't think that. So first, you have to forget what you thought about the marriage and now try to look at it from his angle. He hasn't been happy for quite some time. You need to figure out why and do 180's on those issues.
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Over the years I have been disappointed, moody, complaining, begging for attention and expecting him to make me happy.
Unfortunately this probably drove him away. There is a book called 5 Love Languages, it might give you some insight as to how you could have handled things differently to rebuild the love. Chances are that he too was sitting there expecting you to start making him happy some day. And while both of you sat and waited, you just grew further and further apart.
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So began what I thought were the 4 best months of my married life. We were talking more, the sex was great and much more frequent, H explored new interests, was appreciative of my taking over all of the housework to give him some down time, we were physically very affectionate...
Something similar happened in my sitch. After BD I thought we were growing closer and stronger day by day, but every time we went to the MC my W would say "I just don't want to try." It was perplexing to me because it seemed like she was trying very hard! All I can say to you is don't underestimate just how done he is with the marriage. All the stuff you're trying isn't going to change his mind. Only HE can change his mind, and to do that he's going to need time and space.
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Agrees that everything has been harmonious and improved for the past few months, that I am a different person in many ways, and acknowledges that he believes I am committed to continued improvements, yet he can't let go of my past anger and resentment.
This is actually good, because if he is acknowledging you've changed, then when you give him time and space he is going to be thinking about the new you, not the old you. So you're in a good position. You just need to quit the pressuring.
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He was planning on leaving that day...but I convinced him to consider the boys...I think he hadn't thought things through...and he stayed...slept in the basement.
This is going to be tough to hear, but if he talks about leaving again then you need to let him. You might read Dobson's Love Must Be Tough, it dovetails well with DR. The WAS feels caged in by the LBS, and they want out of the cage. So the LBS must open the cage door. It's the WAS's choice whether to fly or not, but the LBS cannot and should not stop them because it's pressure. You don't have to agree with him, but you do have to support him. IE, your response should be "I want you to stay so we can work on the marriage, but if you think leaving will make you happy then I support your decision."
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He also confided to me that over the years he has been self-harming himself by punching himself and cutting his ankles with a knife to relieve his emotional pain.
This is NOT normal behavior. He should talk to a counselor about this (not an MC).
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-H says he doesn't want to send mixed messages, or raise my hopes...wants to be honest
Same thing my W kept saying.
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--we sit together at night watching tv, chatting, share meals together, laugh with the kids, sharing our days, take them places, go out with friends as if nothing is amiss--then he kisses me goodnight before he goes down in the basement to sleep.
Again, don't read anything into it. He is done. You've got to back off of all the pressuring activities and give him a serious amount of time and space.
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--he doesn't think therapy will work.
It likely won't, you might even suggest to him that you quit going. He's just viewing it as unwanted pressure.
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I have read Divorce Remedy--I don't even know what to do. I am very active socially and have my own life o utside of the marriage, I have a "life".
That's good, you're a bit ahead of the game. But he is not getting time and space. That's critical. That means you've got to detach.
