I need help really bad and really fast

[asadgirl]

“Wow, well that sounds very difficult. I would just ask you though, are you absolutely sure that you have been perfect in all of this and that the fault lies completely with your H and his kids? Try to step outside of the sitch for a moment and really contemplate that. Because if you are convinced that you have been perfect in your behavior and that nothing needs to change on your side, then you might as well file for a D yourself because there is no hope. “

Oh Gosh......I absolutely NEVER said or thought I was perfect. It is a situation that started out rocky. There is a long history of verbal abuse and accusations by his EW that I have not even touched on here. It is a sitch that has hurt me tremendously because of her trying to influence the children. I am trying to be nice since it is their mother, but I just want to say it is disgusting. And even my husband’s judge said so when they were in court. She has even taken a Twitter account (mature, huh) out about me that she had no idea we knew about. It says some pretty harsh things about me and really ….just mean stuff. I am not at all making excuses but this has A LOT to do with the children’s attitudes about me. I have gone to therapy for this, believe me. Many sleepless nights but I have come to terms with the fact that maybe one day they will see this for what it really is and end up liking me. I learned about detaching in therapy…of course not on the same terms as in a relationship but in more of a sit back and let things happen type way. It is hard and with things like with the manners and respect….I hold a lot in. I just feel when you start to hurt others is where an adult should provide the boundaries and teach them how to grow into respectful and caring individuals. It just gets to a point sometimes that I have to decide….either I say something or my kids and I have leave. I try to think of the kids first. They don’t want to leave. So I end up saying something to my SS or H.
“This is an example. If your H told you that you are controlling and manipulative, then instead of convincing yourself that he is exaggerating, you need to take him seriously and do a 180 on that behavior. Figure out what the opposite of that behavior is and do it. That's what 180's are all about.”
Ok and yes…I definitely think I am controlling and manipulative. I have not a single doubt…I learned from the best! However, in the beginning of our marriage, I asked my husband to work with me on this. Instead of doing so, he just uses it as a threat or a tool to get back at me when we disagree on something. He knows it is a weak point of mine so he uses it to his advantage. So sometimes I do question how much of his accusations are truly. Here is an example of how exhausting it can become. For our Christmas card, I went out and bought the family color coordinated outfits. It would have been so cute and I know MANY mothers that do the same. Well, H comes home one afternoon and I proceed to ask if we could do the Christmas picture the upcoming weekend. He said yes, so we planned the day and time. The day arrives and I lay out everyone’s clothes. When it was time to get dressed, my SS pitched a fit that he did not want to change clothes (he was playing on his computer and cannot stand for us to remove him….even for dinner). So we were all ready waiting on SS to come down. He then says he isn’t getting his picture taken and my husband said there wouldn’t be a picture since SS want to do it. I really wanted to say something but I didn’t. So I assumed we would do it later. It never happened. I was later accused by H that the only reason that his kids didn’t want to do it is because they hated the outfits I picked out and then went on to say it was a control thing for me. That I used it as an opportunity to show who is boss and who is going to wear what and when. All I wanted was to take a nice picture. So was that about control and manipulation or was I asking too much?
But I agree to do the 180.

“Have you stopped to think that maybe the kids really are hurting about having to spend Christmas at two different houses with broken families? Are you respectful and considerate to them regarding what they are going through? Kids don't communicate hurt in the same way adults do. What you perceive as griping or a lack of respect may very well be his expression of pain. Try to be compassionate towards them.”
I have thought of that many times…so yes and no. They LOVE to come over when my children are here since they are all the same age and it is like a spend the night party. We have been very good too about when a child misses home and letting them return. It has only happened once when SD1 was sick. My husband had just won in court to have his children on Christmas day a few weeks ago. It was the first time in years. And SS pitched a fit to go home and H told him no. Eventually SS said it was because he hated our house and of course my H said it was because of me. Maybe I am out of line here, but judging by history, I have a suspicion that EW maybe said something to the kids about coming back home. She plays and lays a lot of guilt on them. “Mommy is going to be all by herself on Christmas day. What am I going to do”. Earlier in the day SS told my S that he was going home to play with his “cooler” toys. So I don’t know. Maybe I had more to do with it than I can see. But I definitely take blame for a lot of it.I do need to somehow figure out what to do when there is disrespect. I hate to remove my own children from their home and punish them, but I also do not want them learning it is ok.

“boys do obnoxious stuff sometimes, I'm not so sure it's worth escalating that into a big blowout versus just having a few laughs about it. “
I know.

Has he asked you to change before? I'm curious what he meant by "you haven't changed anything."
Yes and that is why I attended therapy. Even though I did everything I was advised to do and she even commended me on progress….even to my H when he attended the last session with me. So that is why I am so confused and cannot understand the anger. I guess he thinks I should have NO say in our house when he is constantly getting onto my children. But I don’t ever undermine him and if I do have a problem I talk with him later.

Oh and about the house…..I am not on the mortgage. 
Thank you SOOOO much for your input. It really does make me stop and think.