I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[keep_going]

SB -

I hope you are feeling better today. It is always nice to find others that support us and care about us and you have plenty of that here.

I wanted to touch on the subject of letting your H be with you during the birth of your son. It’s a really, really tough decision for sure…

When my S was born, my H was not spewing at me as badly as yours is, but he wasn’t very nice at all. He was completely obsessed with OW and all his decisions revolved around her. I initially didn’t want him there with me either, I was so hurt by his betrayal and abandonment. Yet I knew my feelings for him would someday pass and I honestly didn’t feel I had a right to deprive him of the chance to be there to witness the birth of his son. I also didn’t want to make a decision I might later regret. I had to dig deep and ask myself WHY I really didn't want him there and keep myself honest about my motives.

Yet I also didn’t want him to ruin the experience for me. So I decided to talk to him calmly beforehand and lay my boundaries and ground rules for how he could be present. I told him he would need to be civilized and I told him I wanted no cell phones in the hospital. (At the time he was constantly texting OW in front of me and that was very hurtful to me.) He agreed and was actually very thankful that I let him be there. It was that reaction to our conversation that convinced me I was making the right decision to let him be there.

So he was with me, yet it did end up being a very painful experience for me. Why? Because I was not detached and I had set up the expectations that he would act like my H. I expected the experience to be just like it had been with our two daughters and it was not. He was not outright mean, but he was incredibly indifferent with me. Basically it was like having a stranger, like another nurse just there holding my hand and telling me to breathe. Three hours after the baby was born he said he was going to “get some breakfast” and he ran to call OW and share the whole experience with her. So the whole experience became one of the most bittersweet moments of my life because I ALLOWED IT TO BE.

If I had mentally prepared for him to be there like a distant relative...Yes, it's about the whole detachment thing again.
Yet, I can tell you that I still don’t regret giving him that gift. It hurts less everyday and I know someday it won’t hurt anymore.

Everyone’s feelings are so raw right now and you might make a decision based on those feelings that will eventually fade, yet the opportunity to live an event like this will not come around again probably for either of you. Try to think about it this way - you are currently incredibly hurt and angry at him, but if the tables were turned, would you want to be left out from the birth of your son? Would you agree to be in your best behavior to be allowed to witness that moment?

Please understand I am NOT telling you to let him be there or to let him treat you badly. It's not your job to rescue him. If you decide to let him participate, then he will definitely have to at least behave in a decent manner. You need to have healthy boundaries with him and he will need to treat you with respect if he wants you to have anything to do with him (not only for this event, but for every interaction he has with you). Perhaps if you have a calm conversation with him about it beforehand, his reaction to it will tell you if he would be capable of respecting your rules and boundaries, IDK...

I am also telling you that if you don’t think you can DETACH emotionally enough to NOT be affected by his own feelings or indifference towards you, then you could end up with a painful experience like me and it might be better off not letting him be there at all. I would not want him to ruin this moment for you either.

IDK, I think there’s a lot to think about here and it’s NOT an easy decision. I know I struggled with it for months and up until the very last moment. The good news is that you don’t need to decide right this moment and you can always change your mind.

I do agree with LaBug that you should most definitely have a birthing plan in place and make sure not only your H, but everyone participating clearly understands your wishes. (BTW, I also had my sister be there, ready to have H be sent out of the room if he got mean or nasty. Luckily she didn’t have to do that, but we were ready.)

Hang in there! You will do great no matter what!!!!!

(((((((((SB)))))))))))