I don't know what that means. Will she pick up the phone and try to communicate with her grandkids? No.
Would she like to have a good relationship with them? Yes.
Do she see that as her responsibility? No.
Because I tend to fill a void, and because I think it is best for the kids, I am trying.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Well, she collects box tops for their school. She gives them generous amounts of cash on holidays. She comes to sporting events. The kids like her.
I don't know how much more time she has, and I don't want to stand in the way of the boys knowing her as well as they can. Or I should say I don't want to not help the boys know her as well as they can.
I just don't want to drive with H to see her this weekend. Either H goes, or I go, and if I don't go I'll be judged for pouting.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I know that I now examine things I "should" do or those "duty" issues very carefully, especially if it's all about appearances. Many times I find they're just not worth the effort.
I have many people who are in my life because I want them to be and they want to be, we are equally invested in the R. I no longer put a lot of effort into people, even relatives, who have time for me only when I put in all the work, unless I really want to.
And of course, everyone has their own idea of what a good family R is.
Good thought exercise.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Sounds like Grandma (like all of us) has her limitations. Reaching out to you kids is one of them.
There is an old saying "A son's a son til he takes a wife but a daughter's a daughter all of you life". Her relationship with her daughter may be closer and it's easier for her esp since she seems to connect over sports.
What I wouldn't worry about is being seen as "pouting" if you don't go with H. You can make arrangements on your own to take the boys to see her, or go see her yourself. The ones that matter will "get it".
Who are you concerned about when you say you will be seen as pouting?
hi ad, i'm with bug on this, especially, with in-laws. my year-long separation from H showed me how little interaction goes on between me and H's family members if i don't initiate: none.
i can see that there would be a difference if we had children together. i would not want to get in the way of my child's relationship with H's family. however, i would expect H to facilitate my children's contact with them and me with my family. i would make this clear to H that i can't participate as i used to.
just my opinion.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
MIL wrote back to all: looking forward to seeing you-all Saturday
I wrote and erased the following: I may not be coming, am thinking about it though I would always love to see you it's about making sure the kids and Xxxxx have opportunities to get together with you. It's very painful for me to pretend all is normal as I did at Christmas this year, last year, and all between. Since Xxxm is available to come out, it may just be him. I'd like for this communication to be just between us.
I still sting from Bomb Night when I called MIL because I had no one else to call and she told me one of his reasons was I was selfish with the kids, absorbed all their attention, was too close to them and no one else could get close to them, and she said "and I have to say I agree with that." That hurt so much and felt so wrong, and I could have said a million things back and was in the process of it when heaven intervened and my cell connection dropped momentarily so I was talking to myself. So yeah, the being seen as pouting is me trying to manage what MIL thinks of me so it more closely matches what I think of me. I know. I can't do that.
But I do have to decide if I suck it up one more time or make my feelings an issue beginning NOW.
Last edited by dbmod; 01/15/1312:48 AM. Reason: Replaced name with xxxx
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Oops pretend I didn't use a real name. Moderator sure wish we had edit like the old days before I got here.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
the anger I feel at MIL for being so passive, and for teaching her son to be so passive, and to be superficial and fake and just really not there emotionally
Here's the thing, this transference doesn't end. The reason MIL is the way she is, is because that's how SHE was raised. Her parents presented the same dysfunction or maybe worse. Why did they do that? Because that's how they were raised, and on back it goes. It gets passed along like eye color and hair color until something breaks the cycle and someone is driven to do some growing up. I have been very angry at my in-laws at times for how badly they screwed up their daughters, and then I talked to them about their own childhoods and they actually did better than their parents did. The point is, MIL is going to be who she is -- you either accept it and deal with her or you don't, and that's up to you.
Why don't you just call or e-mail H and tell him how you really feel? "H, I'm feeling a bit raw right now and I'd prefer to either go to lunch with your mother with the kids without you, or have you go to lunch and I will stay home. Either way is fine with me, you decide." That's honest, it's how you're feeling, and it's what you want. Why not float it out there? I see nothing wrong with that.
My parents don't have much of a relationship with my kids, they are a plane flight away and don't make much effort to get in touch. My sister lives in the same town they do and they don't make much of an effort to connect with her kids either. I don't view it as my responsibility to change that. My W, for whatever reason, seeks to connect them and I'm not sure what drives that.
In any case, you don't *have* to do it. As you point out, the kids won't miss it at ages 12 and 14. MIL and H are fully grown adults who can make their own choices about their relationships. MIL blaming you for monopolizing the kids is asinine as you haven't actively kept them away from her. My mother used to complain that I didn't call her enough. Eventually I said "if you want to talk to me, pick up the phone" Problem solved.
--Accuray
Married 18, Together 20, Now Divorced M: 48, W: 50, D: 18, S: 16, D: 12 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 7/13/11 Start Reconcile: 8/15/11 Bomb Dropped (EA, D): 5/1/2014 (Divorced) In a New Relationship: 3/2015
