NG I echo both busting and kg with the forgiveness and grace part...
.. but I'm also going to suggest its time to love yourself.
And I don't mean just the grace and compassion part of it, I mean the hard stuff.
Knowledge is power and you have learned that you are not detached.
And that is okay... but now you need to take the hard steps to get there.
It's about discovering what triggers you... what hurts you.. and believing that you are worth not hurting. You are worth protecting your heart... even if that is from YOURSELF.
For me - that was hard to grasp. As someone who often leads with her heart, it was hard to imagine that my HEAD might be a better guide.
And that the pond that my x and I share is too muddy with MY emotions. My fears, my angers, my expectations.
And if I were to swim in that pond... I would drown.
I do not sit at the pond and wait... but I do check on it from time to time.. and after 20 months - I know it's still cloudy.
I still want to swim in it..
The only thing that I can do is not throw rocks in the pond to keep the water churning. For me, that comes with the form of no contact, that comes with doing things that people would argue would "hurt" my chances or "would give her too much power".
And it sukks. It sukks that I cannot talk to certain people or family members. It sukks defriending people that I actually care about. It sukks that I cannot do certain things or visit certain places.
But until I heal and truly forgive - not only can I not have ANY kind of relationship with her (friendship or otherwise)... I don't think its possible for me to love her how God has intended us to love others......
... and that breaks my heart but the only thing I can do now. Just let go, heal, and have faith that God knows my true intentions.. even if they are shadowed with ugly feelings at the moment.
I know the water will one day settle. It will be forever changed... but it will be safe enough for me to swim in it again....
.. and I'm okay with it taking a long time... well... for the most part.
But I don't do these things in the hopes that ONE day the water might be clear enough for us to meet.. but so that my heart is free from the pain. Free of the shame and regrets for all of the rocks that i DID throw in that pond... and I can see its beautiful for what it is.
And for me to let the door open so if God does have things in store for her and I (for whatever reason together or separate)... I am not a stumbling block. For her or myself.
Sorry for the philosophical tangent.. but I believe this is the phase you are transitioning into. Just another phase of learning how to love yourself.
So what are your rocks? What do you need to do to protect yourself from YOU? (((( ))))
M(f): 43 D'ed: 8/12
Show empathy when there's pain. Show grace when warranted. Kindness in the midst of anger. Faith in the face of fear.
