She had been telling me ILYBNILWY for months now and that SHE wanted a divorce. So to ACT like I was ok with moving on I agreed.
What Michele goes over in DR is that we need to validate the WAS's emotions, but that doesn't mean agreeing or disagreeing. So for example, if they say they want separation we might respond with "I would rather you stay and work on the M, but I want you to be happy and if you feel this will make you happy then I support your decision." In fact that's practically word-for-word what I told my W, and it came from info in DR and Dobson's Love Must Be Tough. Before reading those I probably would have begged her to stay which would have done even more damage. Anyway, the point is you don't need to agree or disagree, just validate.
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I gave her the ultimation. Is there not a chapter in the book about this? I didn't want to trust me but this was not healthy for me anymore.
If you're done trying and ready for divorce, that's the only time you lay down an ultimatum. If you want to save the M then there are things that you do not do, one is lay down ultimatums. In fact you should not have any relationship talks at all. You should act "as if" everything is fine. You should project a PMA at all times. See Sandi's DB 180 tips sticky at the top of the forum.
"20. All questions about marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may be a while), this takes patience on your behalf."
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As far a working out the details for the divorce what would you have recommended?
These forums are geared towards DB'ing in an effort to try and save marriages, they're not really focused on divorce advice. You'll see it said often here that the LBS should do absolutely nothing regarding divorce proceedings, and should in fact delay proceedings as long as possible if the WAS pursues it. If you want to save the M, then you should not be pursuing D in any way, shape or form. It's very common for the WAS to talk a lot about D early on, but then when the LBS starts DB'ing the WAS drops the subject completely.
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-Finally to respond to your last paragraph don't want a divorce.
OK, well then you're in the right place
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The bottom line is right now my W is in love with another person... Am I supposed to bury my head in the sand?
DB'ing is not about ignoring things, but it is about not focusing on things you can't control. It's about changing the one thing you can control- YOU. You cannot change your W. But you can change yourself and make yourself a H only a fool would leave, and maybe in the process attract your W back to you again.
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Are you staying that I should have continued to let her cheat under my nose?
No, I'm saying don't threaten her unless you're well and truly done with the M. Many marriages have been saved after affairs, an affair is not the end of the M unless you choose for it to be.
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Not protected my rights as a father and my financhal future and make sure the papers are drawn up correctly?
I don't see pursuing a divorce as protecting your rights nor your financial future. Divorce typically creates financial havoc for both parties.
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My current hope is to do my 180's, GAL and let her go figure out that the grass isn't greener.
Yes, that should be your mandate. Work on yourself and give her plenty of time and space. Regardless of whether it saves the M, you'll emerge a better person.
