You may be correct...you might have backed off a little too much. I kept reminding myself to keep looking him in the eye when he talked since it reminds them that you care. That you are really interested in what they have to say. But then go back to being the "mysterious" you. I am no expert but the one day I tried this, it worked! But it may all change tonight. We will see. Keep trying! And falling asleep in your bed is a good thing and she knew what she was doing. Not just tired.
Me: 40 H: 44 M:3 years T: 4 years Me: S9, D7 H: SS8; Twins: SD1=10 and SD2=10 Both married before.
AS I like what you said about detaching is not reacting to what your wife does. I may have been playing the ignoring/cold spouse too hard and thinking that that was detaching.
Yes, good insight!! People do get confused over what detachment is. It is not being cold and indifferent, it is just pulling back and giving the spouse time and space, but doing so in a loving manner. This was originally posted by Peanut some time back and helps to explain what it is:
II. Detachment
Detachment is critical to the process of altering and repairing a relationship.
Attached, we take personally all that is said, not said, done and not done.
Our ego gets wounded and we are more inclined to those actions that will undermine our very best chances of accomplishing our goals.
We cannot control the actions of another. We are, however, responsible for our own actions. We are responsible for our own happiness.
If we are detached from the actions of another, we can meet anger or indifference with love. Met with love we are in a position to diffuse the situation and transform it in a way that will be in alignment with our goals.
On the flipside, detachment allows us to play it cool when we do get a positive reaction from our spouse. It is a way to break the distance/pursuer cycle.
Detachment is not withdrawal. It is not the mind saying, ‘I am not getting what I want so I must pull back.’
It is the natural acceptance that I am alone responsible for how I act. I cannot control another person, but I can control how I respond to them."
Grizz - Just caught up on your sitch and you are doing better then most of us were so early in the game. This DBing is very confusing and can be difficult. Just be patient and try to live in the moment with no expectations for an outcome. Sounds like you already know this but no matter how nice (or mean) your W is acting try to keep your hope level at neutral. AS's comments on distance/ pursuit cycle are exactly what I was thinking while reading your earlier posts so just do your thing and don't get on the roller coaster (trust me it's not a fun ride ).
A couple other things I don't think you mentioned. Along with detaching are you GALing? This is very important for your own sanity and to show W that your life will go on. Also I know your W said her feelings are gone but do you know why? Try to remember things she's said in the past that upset her and do 180's on those.
AS - I never saw that post from peanut on detaching and it really helped me better understand it. As you know I've been struggling with this concept for a while and this outlined it nicely.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
Yes, the no expectations are really hard. As far as GAL, I have been trying to think of things to do. The tough part is that we have two small children and I want to spend time with them. I don't really feel right or have the desire to go out and do stuff without them. Especially since if we do split then that will force me to be without them which will be VERY hard on me. She has said to me that it is nothing that I have or have not done. Her feelings have just changed. I guess that can happen, it just seems really strange to me. Our only real bump in the road was about 4 years ago when I had a serious health scare of my own. I became very depressed and pulled away emotionally and just wasn't a happy person. (This is so far from who i am. I am a very happy person.) This actually lasted a couple of years. Eventually she called me on it, we worked on it, and we seemed fine until this. Maybe this played a role. Maybe not. Who knows? I was very passive aggressive during that time and I will still go in that direction at times. I am working on that. I need to stop reading her mind and thinking the worst. It has been said many times that I cannot control what she does only what I do and how I respond. I need to really work on that. Thanks for the advice and please keep it coming.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Quick update: she continues to be nice to me which is really getting to me. Is that wierd to say? Part of me wishes that she would not be nice to me. Maybe that would make it easier for me to distance myself from her. I find my feelings running from sadness, despair and sometimes hope, to now having feelings of resentment toward her. I don't like this because it seems like that will just make it harder to get through this and stay together ( even if that is possible).
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
"I find my feelings running from sadness, despair and sometimes hope, to now having feelings of resentment toward her."
Those feelings^^^are normal. I would suggest that you don't show them to her. Smile, be happy, strong and confident. She should only see that side of you. And yes a passive/aggressive person can destroy relationships. Work on that and look at yourself and see if you find a controlling side of you.
What are you doing for GAL?
M 53 D 20 Separated 6/22/11 moved out 10/24 Together 26 yrs Married 16 W Filed for D 7/21/11 Served 9/6/11 D final 8/28/12
“Failure is not fatal, but failure to change might be.”
Yes, the no expectations are really hard. As far as GAL, I have been trying to think of things to do. The tough part is that we have two small children and I want to spend time with them.
GAL can absolutely involve your kids. All GAL means is to get out and do things without your spouse. It's good if some of your GAL activities involve making new friends or getting back in touch with old ones, but it can also be activities you just do by yourself like jogging, painting, taking up guitar, lifting weights, etc. And it can be activities that involve your kids like going to the park, going to the zoo, walking the dog. All it means is don't sit at home moping, get out and do things that make you happy. Make changes in your life. At first you have to force yourself to do it, but the more you do it the happier you get and the more you just want to do it. And that happiness translates to PMA which is a healthy thing not just for you, but for your relationship with your W and your kids.
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She has said to me that it is nothing that I have or have not done. Her feelings have just changed. I guess that can happen, it just seems really strange to me.
This is probably just her way of avoiding a confrontation. She probably really does blame you at least in part, but she doesn't want to talk about it. This is the way my W was too, when I asked her for input and feedback she'd say "I just don't want to dredge up all that stuff again." In her eyes, she had already been telling me about the issues for years, so she was done.
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I was very passive aggressive during that time and I will still go in that direction at times. I am working on that.
Good. That's what good DB'ing is, it's fixing yourself even if you don't know if it'll make a difference to your W. Because regardless of whether you reconcile, you'll emerge a better, smarter, more attractive person.
Thanks to all of you for the replies. I have been doing more with the kids without her. Going to the movie, playing video games etc. One thing that gets me is she is fine to let me do these things. Meaning she rarely does things with the kids on her own. Don't get me wrong, she is a great mother. This just comes back to her being so stressed ( about work, health, me, kids) that she is just an unhappy person. I just hate to think that the stress from all of this is going to ultimately end our marriage. TO ME, we were fine until all of these things started to snowball into the perfect storm. I just now happen to be the easiest thing of all of these to change. I know I need to continue to look at myself and people typically don't get to this stage without problems from both parties but it really upsets me that outside forces have potentially had such a damning effect on our relationship. Thanks for listening/reading. It helps me to just get some of this off of my chest.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
Ok, quick question. DB says " do what works". DB also says to GAL. Here is my dilemma. It seems that when I do things to GAL (which naturally means that I distance myself from her) two things happen; first, at times she will pursue (natural response) but second there are times when she seems upset that I am doing other things and ignoring her which drives her away. What is a guy to do? It seems counterintuitive to GAL if that is going to drive her away.
M 37 W 36 T22 M14 D8 D4 8/2012 distanced BD 11/2012 (likely wants D. Feelings have changed.) W move out date: June 8th.
