At the end of September, just after we returned from a weekend in Lancaster, PA, I felt a sense of sadness encompass our home. H was closed off, working extra hours at work and going to bed early. I knew that he was feeling the increased financial burden with my unemployment ending at the end of December. When I would ask him about what was bothering him, he would say that he “was tired and very busy at work.” H kept working late, talk a few minutes and go to bed. I would end up staying downstairs, crying, wishing he wasn’t always working and had time for “us.” I have always felt guilty for the financial pressure he put on himself. To add to my sadness and insecurities, H took on another part-time job, lost his wedding ring and bought a new cell phone (he wanted it so he could use it for the Adirondack chairs he makes and posts to Craigslist, but also to text…said it was easier that on his other phone). I’ll admit that I became suspicious, even though H has NEVER lied to me or given me reason to question him, and started making comments. Finally, 2 weeks later, H said that he was “confused, upset, sad, and unsure of his feelings.” He also began saying that he wasn’t sure what he wanted anymore and would shut down.
On 10/28/12, I had arranged for us to go out for our 7th anniversary. I knew it wouldn’t be to “celebrate,” but I was hoping to reconnect and talk. A few days before, I sent him a text saying that I was looking forward to “reconnecting” and later that night H told me he didn’t know what I was expecting by going out and “reconnecting.” On Sunday afternoon, I heard H's new cell vibrate in our room. Since he was expecting to hear back from a guy about a large furniture order, I grabbed the phone and it was a text…from a new female coworker. I read a few of the texts and when I did, H came up and I got upset and confronted him. I know that most of his friends are women and always have been, but I was upset by a few of the texts from her. I know he needs people to talk to, especially if he is stressed/upset, but this woman just started working with him around the same time the wedding ring was lost, the new cell was bought and I began feeling all the tension. I think what hurt the most was not so much that I thought he was having a PA, but he was confiding and getting close to another woman…the intimacy I was craving. H also has a good F friend, at work. They are such good friends, that our families have gone out together, attended parties.
The following week, I had been consumed by conflicting emotions…all signs pointed to H being unfaithful, but I wanted to trust him. Finally, I ended up logging onto his email. There I found IM chats with a few women—one that went on for a few months. She had also sent some very racy, half-naked pictures which he kept (still). I am devastated. Seeing what she would say to him and how he would respond to her, is burned into my brain. For so long now, I have wanted to rekindle our sex life, but every time I would be told he was “too tired or stressed.” Now, since he doesn’t trust me, I am sure he has changed his passwords and/or blocked me from logging in…and can I be sure if he is still carrying on these online relationships? I told him that I had to trust him. To me, these online relationships are definitely a type of cheating. The secrecy, the sex talk, the photos back and forth…especially when I am asleep or away/out with our son! For the first time in our 10 years together H doesn’t trust me and I am not sure I can trust him…and I want to with all my heart.
I love my H, S and our family and want to try and work out our issues. When we married 7 years ago, we made a commitment to each other and it is not one that I take lightly. I don’t want to be a doormat, but I know that there are things I can work on too…I am not 100% in the right here…I know that! The past 1.5 years have been completely traumatic and stressful, but it wasn’t until September when I began realizing there was a strain. H says he has felt different for about 2 years and was hoping things would change…I NEED TO KNOW WHAT he is thinking…I DESERVE to know. Becoming parents, having a home, mortgage, bills and family responsibilities are part of marriage. Yes, things change, but I believe they can also be worked on, but shutting me out from his feelings for 2 years and dumping this out now is so upsetting and not FAIR. I understand the “excitement and spark” can fade with familiarity, but I believe marriage is not just dating, where you can move on when times are rough. We have never faced anything like this before…sure we have had spats, arguments and a few days not speaking, but we always ended talking it out. Marriages have rocky parts, but I am commitment to working through our problems…for us, myself and Donovan.
BACKGROUND:
Since becoming devoted parents (2007) to a beautiful boy, and maintaining a family life and at the time two careers, we had less and less “couple time.” We would go on dates every few months, but we also enjoyed going places as a family, day trips, dinner, walking around the mall…just being together. We spent so much time as a family; we didn’t take time for each other. The last 1.5 to 2 years, I began missing the intimacy we once shared: frequent sexual contact, hugs and kisses, holding hands, and spending time with my best friend. We would talk about it and try and make time for us. When we talked about having another child, I was more excited than H… He was content with having only S, but agreed. Then a few months later I am pregnant, and we think I am having a miscarriage at 9 weeks, only to discover there are 2 babies…then identical boys.
Our family was nervously and anxiously awaiting the arrival of identical twin boys in the beginning of October 2011. H and I repeatedly talked about the expense of twins, but we already had all of S’s stuff and friends/family who were excited to help out. Our son was THRILLED to be a big brother and called the twins, “Thing One and Thing Two.” On Monday, July 18, 2011, I was rushed to the hospital with a rapid drop in blood pressure and was in critical condition. They were unable to stabilize my pressure, so they had to deliver the babies, via emergency c-section, at only 26 weeks, due to a spontaneous uterine rupture. While I was in surgery, H was told that all three of us might no make it. Michael, passed shortly after birth, but his brother, Gabriel, died in the NICU 32 hours later, in our arms. We held a graveside memorial a few days later, with family and friends.
H went into “super dad/husband” mode and took care of everyone but himself. He took a week off from work; made sure we ate, took care of S and juggled everything. When I would get upset at how he was dealing with the twins’ death, he would say he was sad too, but he cried in the hospital and at the memorial and he was “cried out.” I, on the other hand, was lost in my grief…slept with Gabriel’s blanket, looked through their memory boxes, read support books, etc.
I ended up seek support for us from a support group that meets monthly. It is made up of families that have also lost a baby due to miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss. H went for a few meetings and since I found it more helpful, I told him he didn’t have to go if he didn’t want to. He was going to stay home with Donovan so that I could attend. I also was having frequent checks with my OB/GYN who was treating me (still is) with Zoloft (daily for PPD) and Xanax for the anxiety (as needed). I have also become good friends with 3 of the women and we have given each other support.
Around the same time that we lost the boys, while I saw still on disability, the school that I had been teaching at for 13 years laid me off. With the twins coming, H and I had talked about me working at the school, part-time, as an administrator rather than a fulltime teacher. This would not only bring in a salary, but keep us from paying for 2 infants in daycare. The school accepted my proposal and I was the “academic coordinator.” Due to the financial hardships the school faced, I was let go at the end of August 2011.
I know that my not working the past year has been a HUGE burden for him and very frustrating as well. He would get upset when I hadn’t sent out resumes or concentrated hard enough of finding work. With the money I was bringing home from unemployment and with the extra money I received from watching a few kids over the summer, we hadn’t really felt a big pinch…or so I thought. I know that I took H for granted and wasn’t as careful with money as I should have.
Since I lost my job and after loosing the boys, I lost part of myself and a lot of self-confidence. I kept thinking I didn’t have many skills to offer an employer and yes, I got a bit comfortable being home. Towards the end of the summer, I began feeling a bit better, talked to my OB/GYN about weaning myself off the meds soon (he wanted to wait until spring) and revamped my resume. Once S was back at school, I began working out at the gym 5 times a week, eating right (have lost 55 lbs) and sending out more resumes and now have a longterm temp job with definite possibilities.
OK...So here it is...I bought DB..read it through 2-3 times and have it dogearred and highlighted. I tried the 180, then got emotional and fell back into crying, pleading, begging, notes, cards, etc. We have been seeing a MC..twice on my own and I have been little changes...he is still sleeping on the couch and there has been no sex. I have seen some baby steps, but I was hoping to make connections with others out there in my situation.
**I think it is a few things, H never dealt with the twins passing...never forgave his father for his PA when married to H's mom...MLC...and we fell into "middle class" life and need to start over.
HI, Kiki, I'm sorry you are here, but this is a great support place so welcome.
YOu are right not to trust your H right now. BUt, as much as you want to it will only hurt YOU if you snoop.
It is good you are going to MC if H is in it to work on your M. But if he is just going for your sake, it won't make a difference.
EA's are just are dangerous (if not more so) to a M than PA's. You are right to question his "Friendships" w coworkers, esp w a new cell phone & "losing" his wedding ring. I don't buy it given what you've said.
You said you know you have things to work on. Start w that. H will notice these over time if you consistency make these changes for YOU (not for H).
Sorry to hear about the loss of your twin boys. I can't imagine the devastation you went through (and probably still do). You suggested that maybe H hasn't dealth w their losses. Has he ever considered IC?
It is only a natural progression in a R for couple to lose sight of their "couplehood" when children come along. Unfortunately what seems comfortable and okay for one S may not be meeting the other's needs. (I feel my R had the same loss of couplehood.)
Have you read 5 Love Languages? It speaks to the way you liked to be loved and the way your spouse likes to be loved. Very insightful! You may find it helpful in your sitch.
Hang in there, this is a looong journey.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
Thanks for your insight. I am reading "ILYB...." at the moment and ordered Divorce Remedy.
After last night's session, H thinks MC is not helping...she hit on a few sore spots, which is why he recoiled. He does not want to continue...I will solo.
In the last 6 weeks, I have seen him do "little things"...MC calls them building blocks to repair our relationship. I have been keeping a list for me...snowball fight with S at Christmas...arranging for my mom to bring S to meet him at mall to get me.a.bead for my braclet...calling/texting with more frequency.
Trying the 180...so hard to be positive, happy, etc when heart is broken...and he is living at home.
Hi Kiki. I am so sorry for your loss of your little ones.
If I was you I would keep on the path of self confidence and keep with the exercise and healthy life style changes. They will continue to boost your self confidence in yourself. Short attainable goals that are so positive.
You also need to realize that your Husband cannot be trusted. That he will lie to you to cover his EA's or even PA's. You also need to learn the difference between snooping and verification. As you know he uses the computer for online sex. He knows you know this as well. He has turned this into you are the one who is not trusting. Where as it is he who has proven with his repeated actions over and over that he cannot be trusted. Some good gaslighting going on there. I would recommend you look at installing a keylogger to track all online activities on your home computers. Do not speak about it. Do not present it. Keep it for verification. He will most likely be moving these thing's further underground. So you will either accept that he is cheating and live within an open marriage. Or you are going to have to set boundaries on what is acceptable in your life and your marriage. Then it is up to H to decide if he wants to live within those boundaries. With boundaries comes choices and actions. If you do not uphold your boundaries then H learns that he can fool around and sleep with other women and the end result is that he will have a wife who will stroke his ego and change to what ever he wants as a better wife. This is the balance of the game that is currently being played at the moment. Right now it is rigged in his favour. So you have to work towards evening out the score. You do this through continual self-growth , greater confidence in yourself and rebuilding your self esteem. You cut out the R talks, skip the 5 love languages books for now. You prepare yourself for a single life with shared parenting. You get your finances in order. You gather your evidence. You set up your support groups. You get that all in order. Then you know that you will be fine if things do not work out. At the same time you work on what your boundaries are in the marriage and what issues you caused that you can correct within yourself. You work on those issues. You also determine what you want in a Husband and what you want in a relationship. What are the actions and choices you will make if they are not met or broken( MC , changing of jobs, no more hanging out with other women , full disclosure on all activities, D ). Then you live with your boundaries. Never negotiate them, only explain them. Then your H will have to make his own choices and decisions.
Which will be to acknowledge his weakness with the other sex. Openly rebuild the trust he destroyed. Verify that it is not being broken through repeatable actions and choices. Or the honorable choice and D instead of years of emotional abuse due to serial cheating.
That is the road map.
How long it takes you to get there is up to you.
But you are in control of what is acceptable in your life. There are a ton of good 180's there for you as you DB your marriage and improve yourself. Remember a 180 is something you try and track progress. Not all are directed at the Husband. Most are directed at the self. It does not matter what the H thinks about them on a day to day basis. What matters is tracking positive 180's in your life that you can track and notice how things change within your self and your interactions with others. Remove the focus from H. Place it upon yourself.
There are some great women here who have really rebuilt their self esteem, saved their marriages and/or themselves. There are some who became doormats for awhile before they woke up and realized that doing laundry , extra cooking, over sex and dressing the 9's for a cheating husband is a zero sum game that just erodes your mental health while stroking his ego. Seek them out and they can help you navigate these tough days.
Take Care.
Flowers always make people better, happier, and more helpful; they are sunshine, food and medicine for the soul. unconditional love is awesome!
Kiki, I too am sorry for your loss. You're doing a lot of things right and you are still early in the healing.
All I can add is keep doing what works for you. I'm glad you found a support group, they can be so helpful. Do you also see an IC?
It would be wonderful if we could get others to work on "their stuff" but we can't. That's part of detaching and letting go.
I have railed against the unfairness of it but have come to realize that continuing that only kept me stuck. It is what it is, accepting that will help you move forward. It doesn't happen overnight, but with work it does eventually happen.
As chatter says, if your husband decides to change and work with you it will happen in his time, not in yours.
Keep posting here and working to become healed.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
Unfortunately not all the links are active because some of the threads are quite old, but there's enough active links in there to keep you reading for quite a while. There are some newer success stories in the piecing forum that aren't included in the above, so look there too.
On Sun, my H said he didn't think he wanted to continue MC....doesn't feel much has changed. But, I have a list of "baby steps" of things he has done....what my MC called building blocks. I will go to MC solo....reading and rereading Sandi's sticky and doing my 180.
