* second year started going downhill because of his kids and I not having the relationship with me that he had always dreamed of. It wasn’t the relationship I wanted either. * I started to try and make the relationship with my husband and his kids stronger….there were many of the same things you hear a lot about…..him not wanting me to discipline his kids, his children were allowed to call me names. use language at the table that was very inappropriate, talked very disrespectful to me and worse to him, his son hurt my daughter many times physically, told my children that I stole their dad and also that the house we live in now is their dad’s house and not theirs. That their dad could take it away at any time.
Wow, well that sounds very difficult. I would just ask you though, are you absolutely sure that you have been perfect in all of this and that the fault lies completely with your H and his kids? Try to step outside of the sitch for a moment and really contemplate that. Because if you are convinced that you have been perfect in your behavior and that nothing needs to change on your side, then you might as well file for a D yourself because there is no hope. DB'ing is all about listening to what your spouse says and taking it seriously without judging/ justifying/ arguing/ dismissing. It's about making significant changes to yourself and to your behavior. It's about detaching and giving your H time and space to think about things, and to see and appreciate the changes you've made.
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I do not drink but my husband tells me all of the time I am manipulative and controlling; maybe I am to an extent but I don’t think I am to the point he accuses me of.
This is an example. If your H told you that you are controlling and manipulative, then instead of convincing yourself that he is exaggerating, you need to take him seriously and do a 180 on that behavior. Figure out what the opposite of that behavior is and do it. That's what 180's are all about.
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*Our children arrived and we opened gifts. His son made some very disrespectful comments that I ignored. And I am not saying by any means my children are perfect but if my kids ever said anything about not liking Christmas at our house because he got more at his mom’s or dad’s….well it just wouldn’t happn. I have raised them with a little more respect.
Have you stopped to think that maybe the kids really are hurting about having to spend Christmas at two different houses with broken families? Are you respectful and considerate to them regarding what they are going through? Kids don't communicate hurt in the same way adults do. What you perceive as griping or a lack of respect may very well be his expression of pain. Try to be compassionate towards them.
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Anyway, opened gifts and I made a nice big lunch. Sat down to eat and step son decided to start making farting sounds and burping. I asked him to please stop. He continued and I got a look from my husband like “You better shut the f,,,ck up”. SS continued and then I had it. I told him if he did it again that I would take a gift away. My husband looked at me and said “Oh no you are not”. That hurt, but was expected.
Read the chapter in DR about conflict resolution. It is really clear from your description that you and your H are going about this the wrong way, you're pushing each others' buttons. Plus you need to learn what's important and what's not, boys do obnoxious stuff sometimes, I'm not so sure it's worth escalating that into a big blowout versus just having a few laughs about it.
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He then looks at me with the worst look I have ever seen and says “I want you gone. I want a divorce. I can’t stand to look at you. I hate you. I don’t love you. You disgust me. You haven’t changed anything and I will not put my children through this another second”.
Has he asked you to change before? I'm curious what he meant by "you haven't changed anything."
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Tonight he said he wants me out of the house as soon as possible.
He can't kick you out. We always advise around here that the WAS needs to be the one to leave. The LBS needs to hold their ground. The WAS needs to suffer the consequences of their actions. Perhaps he owns the house, I don't know. But regardless, he cannot kick his wife out of the home they share.
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I am just a mess. I want someone to sit me down…shake me…and say “OK, here is the plan. This is what you are going to do.”
Get DR, read it. It is your plan. It will walk you through step-by-step. Be patient, it takes a long time to turn these situations around.
