I’m not sure I knew there was a biological reaction but that makes a lot of sense to me and gives me further insight as to why my H felt he needed to leave in the first place. I was overly controlling. I was not perfect, he was not perfect, but the appearance of perfection was EXTREMLY important to me. I was worth something if I appeared to the outside world to have it all together. I was worth nothing if there was something out of place. And he was a victim of my mentality. I was highly critical. I’m not saying that this is the case, just sort of bouncing things off of you. But CV, what if the answer is that he will never respond? What if there is nothing in your power or in the power of the therapist to change it? What then?
Yes, he came back. He forced his way in hahahahaha. There has always been a lot of talk, I love you, I’m in love with you, I want you, I’m sorry I left, I didn’t cheat (he did but will deny it to his deathbed), I will do anything you ask.
Thing is? It’s sort of toxic. Because “anything I ask” lasts until I calm down again. And, as with anyone who has been with you for 15 years, he knows my weaknesses. He tugs at my heart strings and I cave like a house of cards. I bend to his will, slowly die inside (because I’ve allowed this for myself) and he’s happy because I’m still here. He was smart about this. I’m a homebody. He banks on my inability to leave my home. He had no leverage if he was out of the house and he knew I couldn’t legally stop him from coming back. I’ve had a therapist for the last half of this mess. He’s been pretty adamant that I did better when we were separated.
I don’t think my motivations to stay have been entirely clear. I know I love him, I know that I am scared financially, I know that I am scared of being alone (although I am very very lonely anyway), I know that there has always been hope that I could fix the drinking issue, rational or not, I know I've felt somewhat responsible for the drinking issue, I know that somehow it soothed my hurt a bit that he came back, I know I’m very embarrassed about the state of affairs with my marriage, I know that I feel God awful about wanting to leave as he is miserable about it and there are probably a whole bunch more reasons.
We live in TN but that is due to job relocation. We still have a house in CT too that we rent out. We are under water as many are. The other day when we were discussing my leaving he said he wanted to give the house back to the bank. I insisted that we could not do that. That I can’t leave and have my credit rating ruined as that would make things difficult for me. It was only later I realized that was his point.
I stopped seeing the therapist when he explained the importance to my well being that I go. I have tried to limit contact with the family as they have escalated their pleas that I go. I come here because I want someone to tell me that I should stay and what better place to hear that? I mean it’s much more complicated inside, I suppose, but it’s heart wrenching. I have hit the wall with all of this. I don’t want to eat, sleep, go anywhere… I don’t even want to get out of bed. I haven't been able to string together more than an hour of not crying. I have an image of what my H used to be. He’s gone. And I can’t deal with it. I know what my answer is, but I just am such a coward to do what is right for me. And, I guess, I still question if I even know what is right for me.
