she's a wonderful person but...

[banjopicker]

Seems like we used to have more arguments, and they largely disappeared as we settled into our patterns.

Do you mean you think communicated "better" before, even if it was by fighting? OR BECAUSE you fought?

I suppose both. Someone would bring a topic up in anger, and we'd end up having a conversation that gradually softens to where we're okay at the end.

The amount of conflict isn't as relevant as how you resolve it.

Fighting is alright IF you fight fair, and don't damage each other

BUT FIGHTING IS ONLY FINE, IF YOU ACTUALLY RESOLVE SOMETHING....not the endlessly repetitive "Same thing we fought about last week/month" type...

Yeah, that's probably why they became infrequent - same old issue or argument.

Bottom line is most couples need tools for this^^^ thing called "conflict resolution. Get those tools! Get them from books,

Any suggestions?

Lose the scorecard. Please see how you wrote the above. You want to hold onto it, you want to compare them...I'm telling you it's NOT productive...

It's not that I want to hold on to it. I want to share some things, hurts, missing pieces with her that I never have before. Things I've been learning about in this recent process of examining our relationship and studying relationships in general. I'd like her to do the same. I think we can both learn from our past, from our scorecards, so we can figure out how to do things differently in future. But I must confess there is a part of me that just wants to get in some good shots. Really have to keep that in check.

In more recent years, the launching point for the martyr routine has been times when I've felt an idea of mine has been rejected (e.g., family outing or activity; parenting action).

^^^^ sounds like a wounded ego - reacting...?? You would not be the first man to react that way. We can all act like children at times. This isn't an easy task or experience anyhow and we're all human, just learning as we go.

This is a recurring issue for me, perhaps one of those things for me to work on. That's usually where we've left it when we do talk about it. But I don't have my head wrapped around it. I don't know why I do it or how to change it. I'll try to explore it more in a separate post. I don't have time right now.