Bonsoir everyone, One more question : after I've had my son for myself for two hours, should I tell her how it went, what we did or what S ate? No, not unless she asks.
If & when she does ask, answer politely, even warmly, but don't belabor the point. Be brief, upbeat and end the conversation first.
Again, ONLY do this IF she asks questions first, and then just answer the questions. Do not add things or bring up another topic or delay or prolong the conversation...Period. Or should I write that in an email right after the visit? Or not say anything at all, to keep the secrecy between father and S, and make her wonder? Volunteer nothing.
But that's NOT b/c You are "keeping the secrecy between father and son"... You are not "hiding" anything. You are just spending your time with your son... and You are only sharing about that time, with people who care enough to ask you about it.
I'm asking because yesterday when I brought S back after my unsupervised time with him, I rang her doorbell, she opened the door, took him, barely asked if everything was ok to which I said yes, said bye and almost closed the door on my nose.
So, in sum, she asked a general question, which you answered... Okay...that is not rude. Yes she was "curt" with you. & I know Your feelings are hurt - but if you can be objective for a minute, you can see that she's just protecting herself.
It sounds as if she's trying to keep things all "business" and for now, & in the middle of proceedings, that makes sense.
She's not interested in being your friend right now.
She's in an adversarial legal relationship with you, or that's how she sees it.
You are trying to build a cooperative co-parenting relationship with her. There's a difference between the two but you have to understand why she's got her point of view at the moment.
Don't judge her opinion. Just empathize.
***She fears you want to take her son. She does not trust that you won't hurt her again & she does not trust that your son is a priority to you...so she fears you having him, that much more.
She fears you, and that makes her angry. She's trying to keep calm so she doesn't lose her temper, b/c that does not help her.
You fear she won't reconcile, so you want to prolong all contact. You want to "talk" with her to "show her" what a great guy you've become.
You cannot do that right now. You must respect her wishes & be "business like" and only speak to her about your son.
You know she's interested in his welfare, and that is all you two have in common, for now.
In time, if she's given the space and respect by you that she needs/wants,
I think good memories will begin to resurface in her. You were once very much in love, right?
Surely you two were happy some of the time after the baby, weren't you?
is the baby's birth when your relationship changed?
If so, that won't bode well for you.
You must do your best to be on the same parenting team as she is, as if your son is the most important person in your life.
B/C he IS the most important person in HER life,
and it'd be a good thing for you two to see him the same way, even if you have minor differences in how you want to raise him. All parents have differences in approach... But Most parents who divorce, still know down deep, that the other parent DOES care greatly, about the children.
Most know their former spouses would kill or die for their kids - and even when they are not at all friendly w/each other, they'll call the other parent the second a child is sick or injured.
They can hate each other, BUT know that there is at least one other person in the world who truly loves their child as they do... You need to get to the place where she believes you truly care deeply for your son.
That belief will bond you two a lot, and from there, good things can happen.
If she never believes it about you, that's bad news.
For instance, if she always thinks you see little Bruce as a fun project of sorts but an inconvenient one,
or as a little person who is to be handed off to someone else
anytime he's too much for you, or gets difficult or sick or just isn't "fun" (is in a "bad humor")
then it won't go your way.
You want to avoid sounding like you did when you complained on another thread,
about your fears of starting to date OWs while being saddled by the hassle of fatherhood. You complained that OWs would not be interested in a "34 y/o man with a child"....like your son is a big drag on your future social life, instead of being the greatest thing you'll ever do...
if that comes out, then you'll never be seen as a great parent.
You'll be seen as a man who resents the "burden" of fatherhood -
who was jealous of his own child, and who forced his wife to choose between a helpless infant and a grown man. That's NOT who you want to be, I know.
But at times, it is how you sounded. So be aware of that.
Bruce fwiw, except for the part about dating, I told Crimson very similar things about a year ago. And look at him now.
He's done a 180 in his life and his whole outlook about fathering and life, is very different than it was a year or so ago.
Read his old threads. Hes' the only man who had not changed a diaper other than you....and now, I think he's truly a great father. HE'S INTO IT!
His ex wife notices it, a lot. No matter what else happens to them as a couple, he is a better man for this. He admits that. Read Crimson's posts to you as the gift of gold, that they are.
--> Maybe I've shown distance and withdrawal instead of "detachment" and that's why she responding this way?
Is this normal, beneficial or am I doing something wrong here? I think this is pretty normal. But It's awkward. They are always awkward at first and some people talk MORE b/c they get nervous...
when there are legal proceedings the lawyers usually say "don't talk" to your spouse much...for fear of getting emotional or losing tempers...
and she's afraid and keeps chatter to a minimum, PLUS she knows you want her back. She does not want your pressure, and that is clear to me. You have pressured her whenever you interacted. You can call it pursuit or "courting" but it's pressure she did not want.
So keep it short. You can email abou the next visit & the logistics. No need for actual talking unless she inititates it. Seriously.
But always be polite and calm. (Losing your temper or being rude to her OR her family, will NOT help you.)
Do not prolong the hand offs or seem like you are trying to get something FROM HER...just transfer him, say something short & polite like "see you next time" and be on your way. NO delays on your end...right?
When will you know about more time with him? Aren't you meeting the judge next week?
At some point I hope you and your wife realize that talking it out would save on legal fees.
she won't realize that if she thinks you'd use the time to manipulate her SO YOU DON'T say that to her b/c that WILL seem like you are trying to control her.
Do you see that? You do not have to agree---but do you see HOW she might see your behavior that way? Can you see why she wants to keep it short for now?
As for the rest of the advice you gave me, I think I understand and am working on it (e.g. being a good dad, being a great guy without trying to show her, stop pursuing like a madman).
Thanks again and Bonne nuit, Bruce
Good luck & keep us posted.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
