My timeline Journal Dec 7th- H brings up our R, telling me he could live the rest of his life with me, I'm still a very beautiful women, great companion, wonderful mom. Explaining some of the crazy thoughts in his head about reliving his young years. I say nothing while wondering does he really think I want him, is he that narcissistic or oblivious to the jackass he's become?
Dec 14th- H insists "again" there is no romance...he insists he not trying to get a life with ea...he also insists that she is a horrible person who he will now know for the rest of his life, because there is a good person beneath the crazy and she's all alone. I said then you will forget you know me...he said no, I won't do that. I told him, were done! I told him to get out of my house!
No, he didn't get out, but we have been very estranged. I have gone very NC on him as he has become very isolated. We spent the next days barely sitting in the same room together.
Dec 30th- Reeling over something that set off his anger he said to me (after not talking for a while) that ea was him, broken, and that's why he has to fix her, not leave her alone to die. I said "good luck with that" that's why you won't have me.
He actually said why don't I help him help her ! He really isn't doing anything for her and I am so much more resourceful. Going on about how we were the family everyone came to, looked up to. No comment- I read that during Dep a spouse can take any neg. and put it straight onto themselves. And, if she's him, then well! What I way for him to make me the bad guy!
Jan 2- H is angry again about world happenings, drugs, gangs, ect. and tells me that he could be helping ea, then he proceeds to give the same speech about how he's not my h, not a father, not a S, not a man, I'm not even in the room at this time. He says it's not me and I can't help him, mind you I haven't tried to help him in a long time. He doesn't have any new material.
Jan 4- He comes home from work as "himself", I didn't engage him as I was trying to stay true to myself. Says hi, using the enduring name he's had for me since the begging, compliments dinner, expresses "humanly" how tired he is from work and goes to my bed.
When I put it all out there like that I can see things a little clearer. I think I am able to see H's confusion about himself, his past, present and future all seem to be choking his sense of reality and putting him into a panic. Yes, he has actually said these words as well.
He has insisted that he was on his way out mentally from the family, and himself way before he met ea. I remember clearer now that I am not so distraught within myself. If I really think about it he flipped around May, 08 with my back surgery being the very last thing to send him over the edge after loosing our dream home.
He is wounded looking for something, anything and he will not hesitate to give up everything in hopes of finding ''it''! He has manifested his sickness onto others in order to help them and in turn help himself. He says he's out for himself now.
Is this D talk...is this my que to leave? It feels so final and over that I am now floundering, trying to GAL where I've never looked before, GAL when I actually had one, a good one, with plans for these days when D18 was finally out of school.
Empty nest? Huh...empty bed...empty heart!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
! He really isn't doing anything for her and I am so much more resourceful. Going on about how we were the family everyone came to, looked up to. No comment- I read that during Dep a spouse can take any neg. and put it straight onto themselves. And, if she's him, then well! What I way for him to make me the bad guy! 