So you sound pretty much resigned that you did all you could do
I'm resigned but haven't locked the door. I wish it was as simple as black and white. But, yes, lots of grief.
I used to spend a lot of time trying to figure it out. I don't anymore. I find it to be more productive to work on acceptance and personal happiness "in spite of."
Our number one issue is that we have a different understanding of what M is supposed to look like, at least in life application vs. discussion. In discussion, we're scary the same. H would tell you that there is no place for lying in a M, but when the poo hits the fan, he doesn't hesitate to lie.
I had noticed in your threads reference to your father and his issues. Is your mother any help in this area? I read that she D'd your father but still loved him. It seems like she would be an awesome source of support and understanding.
Oh boy, could I use a few hundred drinks right now. Hahahaha
No, it's never black and white, true. Sometimes the answer is truly that we do need a change from them that isn't coming. I'm not sure if that's your situation just yet, but I'd love to hear more. I'm more interested in where you are right now. CV, I'm sorry you're sad. You're a tough, tough lady. I think sometimes people miss the grief. I know they do with me.
Interesting. "When the poo hits the fan, he doesn't hesitate to lie." He's afraid of you? How important to him, do you think, is your opinion of him?
My mom loved my dad. My mother was in love with my stepfather. She eventually got out of both situations but not without a lot of pain. She was beaten horribly by my stepfather for many years. The issues there were a lot more blatant and far worse than my situation. And both of them were the more classical "dysfunctional" drunk. For the most part, my H is a happy drunk and actually easier to take when he's drunk. It's when he sobers up from the binges that he turns not so nice. Lately, that's changed a bit, but still different. My mom is an ENORMOUS resource for me. But I have to still be careful what I tell her because she can be overbearing... She means well and is full of love, but I'm her daughter and she will fight hard for me.
Over and over again, you say he lies. Does he get that? Does he justify it? I can understand the issue with that. I cannot handle lies either. Security and stability is very very important to me. And there's no security and stability in that.
I feel like I really do need a change from him, but that isn't a position that is well-received on this board. It's especially sad for me, as I said, because it shouldn't be this way. Watching my parents and g-mas age, knowing their time is limited on this planet is sad, but it's supposed to be that way. Destroying R's for your own selfishness is simply counter-intuitive and completely unnecessary.
I probably used the wrong analogy with "the poo hits the fan." That implied there's a blow-up before the lie. In actuality, I don't usually find out about the lie until some time later. Of course, then I'm going to react. I should have related it more inline of when his desire for something conflicts with what he knows my response would be, he does it anyway and just lies about it. But I can't think of a good analogy for that. It's more inline with an attitude of "easier to get forgiveness than permission, even easier if she doesn't find out." I feel like I'm M'd to a teenager, rather than a man.
I have no idea what he feels about my opinion of him. Externally, he certainly doesn't respond to a negative opinion by addressing my complaint. More than anything, he seems to completely discount my opinion. If my opinion is different than his, he just blows it off.
I suspect that might be a risk with your mom, especially in light of where she has been. I'm sure she doesn't want any of that for her daughter.
How do I answer that about his lying? He knows he lies. He justifies it. He knows what an issue it is for me. He doesn't seem to understand why I won't just trust him when he promises yet again that he won't lie. Duh! Because you lied about not lying before already! Being vulnerable to someone is very hard for me. I've been through enough betrayal that it takes a lot for me to invest openly. When H lies to me, he cuts me to my core being. It makes me not willing to be vulnerable to him again. If someone is completely closed off, how do you foster intimacy in a M?
I know one of those functional alcoholics. He worked successfully as an attorney. Do you feel like if your H got his drinking under control that you would be able to handle the other issues? Can you envision having a happy M with him, knowing him as he truly is instead of how you wish he would be?
I've gotten to 12/30/12 and want to bang my head into a wall. Let's make a deal and start over, ok?
I don't think you're wrong about anything you're saying. Know why? They are your feelings. You are clearly distressed about the lying. I also see you are distressed about the lack of interaction (sounds a bit about the shallowness I was earlier referring to). The cleaning stuff made me laugh as I think I border on OCD. A wonderful result of my latest meltdown is I just don't care. LOL. Let's start over.
You are NOT wrong about the lying "cutting to your core." I am so trying to figure out why he does it. Plenty of spouses disagree about approaches to a problem. They do not blatantly lie and go behind the other's back to carry out their wishes. And you know something, if that's a deal breaker for you, then I understand it. Everyone has different boundaries. Someone is able to deal with an affair while another one just simply can't. You can't handle the lying. So, either it stops or it's the end game.
Ok, this might be the first time I might back you up. I just read this so I want to ask. But you were challenged to compliment your H. While I chuckled about the unintended results, there was still a happy reaction from him. Are you sure that your opinion doesn't weigh a bit more than you think? My H didn't outwardly seem to have much reaction to my "negative opinions." Until he left and explained to me just how important they were...
Your statement about being vulnerable is hard for you... I get it, I swear I do. It's obvious. It is a sensitivity that can either be nurtured or can be totally exposed. I don't find it acceptable he's chosen to expose it.
I want sooooooo much to avoid your question about what I'd do if he stopped drinking. 2 problems for me with that right now. I almost don't want to hope anymore because it's been so long and my heart has been broken before about his promises to stop. The other is that I honestly don't know. I love my H. I love him so much. But we've been living as roommates for so long, I can't even imagine anything else.
I appreciate your honesty about your R with your H. I totally get it. After seeing the bad side of them for so long, it's hard to even imagine it being any different. It almost becomes too painful to even hope for anything better, because you've been disappointed so many times before. I do get that, so well. It's a big part of why I've landed where I have -- letting go of working on the M and just focusing on things that do give me happiness.
Thanks soooooo much for your support. I'm not looking for blind agreement from anyone here, but I really appreciate the understanding.
