Have you asked her to tell you when and how you can best comfort her? Good idea. But I'm trying not to talk to her about this stuff to give her the space she wants. Wouldn't this count as violating that space?
NO, imo, it's not violating her space to ASK HER, HOW you can best comfort her. She may say "back off til further notice" and then, you'll at least know. And she'll know you cared/respected her enough to ask. NO more mind reading.
And don't use the "give her space" as an excuse to withdraw and do nothing...
So I asked her. Got a few one syllable replies, might've even been grunts. Not terribly specific, awful close to leaving it up to mind reading. So I continue with what I've been doing: more chores, more pecks, more compliments, more little notes and presents. And lots of space: no verbal prodding, no "us" time, leave her alone to do her thing, limited non-sexual touching, no sexual advances of any sort.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Although I also realize certain kindnesses can trigger grief bouts. Not all of that is unhealthy though. But I need to let her decide when she wants these triggers pulled, right?
Whoah....You misunderstand what I mean when I say "triggers". The "triggers" are not buttons you want to push. You don't "let her decide when"...NOR do you seek them out.
you MAY find or discover triggers...don't make them worse
AND don't take the bouts of grief OR how she handles it, personally.
No, I'm talking about the triggers I've already stumbled across - don't hug me or have intimate conversations or anything that makes me feel too close to you or I'll break down.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
Express your love and support in as many ways possible and she'll know. Don't hope to get noticed or it'll be a tactical choice, not a gift of love. Make sense?
Okay, yeah, good thought. It's made me think. Seems like there's more here. For example, if love is a decision,
FYI, love IS a decision. It is a choice. And It's not just a noun either; Love is a verb. Love takes action. We must choose to love on a daily basis, even when we don't feel like it AND OR even when our spouses don't act so lovable...even when we don' t think they "Deserve" it, and we remind ourselves that sometimes WE don't "deserve loving behavior" but we sure want/need/& expect it, don't we?
Amen. One of them ideals that are hard to live up to 100% of the time, but are still worthy of striving for.
Originally Posted By: 25yearsmlc
[color:#000099][u]so, you're working on figuring out her love languages and that is how you are working on YOU?
Well....yeah! Lack of attention, sensitivity, awareness of her needs - doesn't that count as a character flaw to work on? I'm not saying that's the end of the road, that's just what I've zeroed in on for now.
