House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 2)

[FloydMan]

and I mean, blah!

[RegretfulLA]

FM, sorry it's been rough going. I can identify w your sitch as I am the W who had the A. Your posting helps me get insight into my H's head. But what I want to hear you acknowledge is your part in all of this. Acknowledge, accept and move on. You say you have better understanding of the A but you still feel like a victim. Is that because she changed her mind?

[adinva]

When we were encouraging you not to act like a victim we weren't referring to things from 18 months ago we were referring to the words you're using today. There is power in accepting your lot and moving forward.

[FloydMan]

Thanks AD and RLA,
My kids are the victims but yes, I realize I come across as it too. W is hurting, I get that too. You ladies have been a big help in me understanding that.
I get my role in it, I really do. I understood the A 2 months after it was revealed and my counselling. Both counsellors hugged me in fact and said I get it. The fact that she changed her mind yes is a stinger especially with all that she asked of me and also promised me and the kids. I changed a ton of things and she acknowledges those changes but what I became was more anxious and needed the trust and assurance that I was investing my heart, my life and trust in the right place. I never got that. I am sure she feels the same. My wife feels low and that stems from well before me (childhood wounds, controlling parents, critical parents, abusive boyfriend) and now likely accentuated with her guilt. I heard this in MC and have read and learned all about this. There is just nothing I can do as she plays the victim and is so angry with me. I am the lightning rod for both my shortcomings previously and for all her other troubles. I thought I always acknowledged how wonderful she was, but missed something. MC said you can say and do all the right things but some people get in a trap of inner turmoil and they do not hear the love or see it. I try to say it now and she does not believe me. She does not want to hear it, though it has been months since I tried and she bit my head off about complimenting her.
With accepting ‘my lot’, that is ironic. I too felt neglected emotionally in the M but I found other outlets, not and A. I hurt too but accepted it as ‘my lot’ in life and worked like a fiend to provide well and be responsible and giving. She needed more.

[labug]

Maybe it's not that she needed more but that she needed different.

The difficult thing is accepting what is. Leave her to her journey.

And you to yours.

[FloydMan]

That’s not what she says or has said, but plausible. She has said so many things that she recants and/or later contradicts.
So the different that she wants involves messing up kids, upheaving lives, creating so much hurt to others and herself and being outright mean rather than working together creating a climate that is different? Or are you saying maybe she needed someone different, not needed different? Same thing right?
She was emphatic that we would make it, emphatic that she wanted this M, emphatic that she loved me and wanted our family…..weeks later she dropped out. Ya, it’s been quite a head f*** on the end of a yo-yo. Yep, that is the victim talk right there. Caught myself.

[adinva]

Actions speak louder than words. If she is confused she may not be able to stick to one explanation and she may say things that are biased or exaggerated or just plain untrue.

I'm not the one who left and still how I explain what happened varies a lot from week to week and mood to mood.

Pay less attention to the things she says/said. Deal with the facts of her present actions.

[FloydMan]

"she may say things that are biased or exaggerated or just plain untrue."

Ain't that the truth! Man it is surreal, but you are right. Ignore it.

If she is confused, I would like to help her not be confused and that is DBing at its best right?
I have been 180ing and LRTing for a couple months. Maybe it comes across as mean. I don't know. A girlfriend of mine said I should feed her kindness but not over the top.
We have not spoken since Dec 28 and that was not a good talk about finances and her not putting in her fair share of expenses. She is $8k behind since August...that is facts and figures yet she debates it. No winning in any topic. She is delinquent on her own bills and credit....and she's a bank manager! She is lost I think. The last 3 nights the 4 of ud have eaten dinner together, I made tonight's but we don't look at each other or talk to each other and we are across the table. I don't know what to say or do. Do I break the ice and how, or stay away? I am afraid of reaction from her in front of the kids which has been typically mean.

[RegretfulLA]

My H does the victim thing and tries to make me feel guilty for my behavior. I haven't heard him take any responsibility. It sounds like you have, like you've done a lot of work to understand. I will say that playing the victim is NOT sexy to her and will not help you win her back.

What will help... well did you ever see Crazy Stupid Love, where Steve Carell's W has an A and he's lost and confused but trying to move on. He's kind of a nebishy nerdy dude... until he meets Ryan Gosling who sets him straight and turns him into a stud and then of course he's bedding a different woman every night.

Women want the stud of course. They do not a whiny whiner who is constantly telling them how much they screwed up and how bad they should feel for ruining everything (this is my H, it doesn't sound like you are doing this).

I bet if you puff out that chest a bit and start ignoring her, things will change.

[labug]

You said "She needed more"

My comment was in response to that. Maybe she didn't need more of what you were doing but something different.

Maybe you weren't speaking her LL. We all have different needs in that area. My H and I never got this concept, I loved him the way I wanted to be loved, he loved my they way he wanted.

When a person gets to the place where they are ready to leave a marriage, it's never one thing, it's usually lots of little things over time, the anger and resentment grow and then, they're done.

You can work forever to try to explain this to yourself in a logical manner but at some point you will have to accept that it is what it is and let go.

There's a book, "Depression Fallout" that might be helpful to you.