I needed to hear from some friends here today. I am in a very, very low place. Got through my work day but was agitated all day (& that feels icky to me as I am around a lot of people who deserve the very best of me).
After that I went to the gym which normally makes me feel better afterwards, but instead it felt like the gym was me running away from all my problems and frustrations.
Little contact w H as I came home & he left (which was fine by me) but I had nothing in my tank for my kids. I was sharp and impatient with them. Youngest son realized something was wrong & asked me about it at bedtime. I just said I was agitated but not at them & feeling sad. He said, "About dad?" And I couldn't lie. He is so perceptive. I just tried to make a quick escape so I wouldn't let the waterworks come down on him.
My H talks to each of our kids at bedtime & he asked to talk to me after last one...I was not in a place to talk but knew it was something about kid schedule tomorrow. Got on the phone & could barely hold it together. He asked twice what was wrong? I just say I was having a rough night--nothing unusual.
He said, "If I could do something about it (my sadness) I would," to which I responded, "YOu would," (sarcastically). THen I quickly said "I have to go" and hung up as I knew the flood gates were about to open or I was going to say some things I would have regretted later.
H used to be able to console me & I would feel better. Now I don't want him to. HE is the source of my unhappiness (until I reclaim this for myself) so I don't feel consoled by him anymore.
I love him so much,,,, why does this have to hurt like this? Why after all this time do I feel right back at the beginning? I can't seem to make forward progress.
Sorry, just having a whoase me night.
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
