finding my way

[littleGTO]

THanks, Tori, FY & SB,

I needed to hear from some friends here today. I am in a very, very low place. Got through my work day but was agitated all day (& that feels icky to me as I am around a lot of people who deserve the very best of me).

After that I went to the gym which normally makes me feel better afterwards, but instead it felt like the gym was me running away from all my problems and frustrations.

Little contact w H as I came home & he left (which was fine by me) but I had nothing in my tank for my kids. I was sharp and impatient with them. Youngest son realized something was wrong & asked me about it at bedtime. I just said I was agitated but not at them & feeling sad. He said, "About dad?" And I couldn't lie. He is so perceptive. I just tried to make a quick escape so I wouldn't let the waterworks come down on him.

My H talks to each of our kids at bedtime & he asked to talk to me after last one...I was not in a place to talk but knew it was something about kid schedule tomorrow. Got on the phone & could barely hold it together. He asked twice what was wrong? I just say I was having a rough night--nothing unusual.

He said, "If I could do something about it (my sadness) I would," to which I responded, "YOu would," (sarcastically). THen I quickly said "I have to go" and hung up as I knew the flood gates were about to open or I was going to say some things I would have regretted later.

H used to be able to console me & I would feel better. Now I don't want him to. HE is the source of my unhappiness (until I reclaim this for myself) so I don't feel consoled by him anymore.


I love him so much,,,, why does this have to hurt like this? Why after all this time do I feel right back at the beginning? I can't seem to make forward progress.

Sorry, just having a whoase me night.

[eyesopen]

Hang in there, be the best YOU, you can be. No one is perfect, and we all have our bad moments. It's okay, let it out feel it, and then put your pants on one leg at a time like everyone else.

[afa75]

Hey there GTO,
We all have our bad moments. At least you hung up and prevented it from becoming worse. The answer to your question is in your question. It hurts so much because you love him so much. Then again, you already knew that.

Take a portion of the love that you have given to him for so long and give it to yourself. You sound like a wonderful person and deserve self love. See the good in you. Get some rest. And you'll be a little better tomorrow.

Let us know how you are...

((( )))

[littleGTO]

Thanks, eyes & afa for your words of support!

Was feeling better today, but turned to agitation by the time I got home from work. Not sure why. But H & I overlapped time by maybe 20 minutes (a record as of late).

He said he was leaving to go to the gym. I had an old-me reaction and said, "Again? Didn't you go last night?"

The new me was suppose to say, "Have a good work out!"

He said, "You go to the gym every chance you get." and instead of just shutting my mouth or agreeing I continued by arguing a bit w him.

Anyway he left the house & didn't bother even trying to give me our regular (but emotionless) hug. I was already busy helping son w hwk so didn't even respond to his general, "bye!" to everyone. (But neither did any of my kids.)

Of course I let that bother me & my interactions w my kids the rest of the evening (why can't I just let it roll off my back like it's no big deal???).

Usually at bedtime kids call H to do prayers (on speaker w me right beside them...their idea), but S9 seemed to realize my agitation & decided to call H a little before bedtime so we could do prayers "just the two of us!" What a sweet, sweet boy!

I've got to get myself together! I'm a roller coaster ride all by myself and there's nothing really happening new between H & I right now (except the ever-present OW he emails at his expensive aptmt each night, watching his brand new tv on his brand new couch)! Sorry, I'm just in a rut & can't seem to find my "happy place" at all.

Am going out w an old GF on Friday evening. She & I worked together many years ago & she went thru a difficult D, but is now re-married & very happy. Maybe she'll have some perspective for me! (Does this count as a GAL if we end up talking mostly about my sitch?)

[AJW]

My heart goes out to you litteGTO. Obviously I'm upset about my own situation, but so many on the forums like you have a much more difficult situation...I can't even fathom. You should be proud that you are as collected as you are...and with three kids no less!

And I'd say any opportunity you take to go out with friends is GALing. Keep it up. God willing your husband will get a lightning strike in the a$$ soon.

[littleGTO]

Thanks, AJW! I needed that pick me up.

I know someone posted a GAL list somewhere on here. Would love to hear what all of you are doing so I can get some ideas!

[swoop]

So sorry to hear about your situation, LittleGTO. Love your nickname by the way. I don't have much to offer, as I am literally just learning this process as well. However, just lately I have been trying everything I can to GAL. Today, I reached out to a friend and made dinner arrangments for tonight. That has been hard to do during this process, but every time I get out and socilaize, it seems to make it easier to do the next time. Personally, I don't think GAL really means you have to "get a new life", It simply means getting out and enjoying things again. I have even went to resturaunts by myself. I have NEVER done that before. It felt weird. It felt uncomfortable, but it got me out from underneath the covers for a bit. The only suggestion I can give you is, just FORCE yourself to get out there and do anything. It's going to be hard. Your heart and mind won't be into it, but it is beneficial for your mental and emotional health.

[tori2012]

I agree, GTO. Force yourself to get out, go for a walk, go to a movie, etc. It's better if you can do these things with somebody. I'm thinking about you from CA and hope you're already feeling a little better. I know how HARD this is...Sending you love.

[JuneReN]

A movie
Sign up for a weird class that looks marginally interesting
New exercise: Zumba, bikram yoga, spinning etc
Cooking class
An interest course ( like art history etc)
Book club
Hiking club
Learn something or do something that puts you out of your comfort zone
Volunteer

All these things where you can meet new people. Try asking your friends about some activities

The more stuff you do, the less time to think...trust me lol

[littleGTO]

Thanks, suckerpunch, for the advice!

And, thank you for the love from CA, Tori! I am doing a little better today!

GALs this weekend--1) Leaving work early to go to my S's living wax museum, 2) meeting an old GF for drinks after that, 3) Taking all kids to sibling/adult pinewood derby, 4) Sat- S9's pinewood derby & basketball game, 5) S11 is having a friend sleepover (so I will be the hostest w the mostest), 6) Sunday- church....that's about it.

H coaches youngest two sons in basketball. He's a good coach & despite his recent poor decisions I'm glad he's continuing to make an effort to be part of their lives.

When I showed up to pick up S9 I saw him texting/emailing...OW, no doubt, as he doesn't have many/any other people he texts/emails. So sad that during a bball practice he has to take time to do this. So sad to have witnessed this. Tried not to let it get me down.

Talked to FIL this evening...he is going thru his own stuff w trying to find life w/o his wife, so in some ways we can relate to one another. He doesn't understand at all why my H/his son is doing what he's doing. I know I'm not suppose to be talking to family about our sitch but I NEED to. I want support. I really don't think anything we talk about is going to bite me, as I don't say bad things, just truthful happenings. Sorry if that's not DBing, but I feel comfortable w who I talk to/dont' talk to.

GALs??? What are you all doing??? Need new ideas!!