I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[Sweetbriar]

Ad...you are right..I do think he is very sick. The thing is...I feel like I brought this on myself by texting him and Im mad at myself. I also feel like I just put myself into a boxing ring and got beat up....and now Im trying to defend myself again and in my head telling myself that I must have been really bad since he feels this way:( I did this to myself....

Now Im reading into everything he wrote.

There is one thing that Im questioning that he wrote..he said "I've made peace with this..I wouldnt be going through hell if it wasn't necessary".

This to me says that he knows the hurt and the awfulness of what he has done...but he had to do it because he was that unhappy. I want to believe that this is one more justification of what he is doing but why would someone put themselves through hell on purpose? He must be aware of his actions.

I didnt get to mention earlier that I did got to IC today and once again he told me that my marriage is over and I need to move on. He isnt really reassuring. I guess he sees a lot of this stuff and he probably knows when to advise to just walk away. He thinks H has a lot of early childhood issues, that he is very sick and that he will continue down this path of destruction. He doesnt think I should waste my time. The thing is..he is probably right but I still hate to give up, although these past 2 days of texting have only told me one thing...H is done with me and our marriage:( I must say....my IC went through this...his I had affair and he ended their marriage...he is happily remarried now...but that may be some of the reason he is easy to advise this...he always tells me there is something and someone better out there for me.

H did text tonight that he still wants to go to my sono appt next Monday and I am not allowing him to. This is for my sanity. I will not feel comfy exposing my belly and being in an enclosed room with him with our current situation. I also feel like he shouldnt get the glory of a sonogram when he is sleeping with OW. Some might disagree...but I dont think a sonogram is preventing him from his son...

I also am having an issure already with the birth. Some have already advised to re think letting him be there for the birth. But, this will put me in complete anxiety during birth and I dont think I need to be in that state of mind. I will be giving birth and thinking about him with OW while is is standing there and I cannot put myself in that position. So, for the sake of myself (yes...Im being selfish for once) I dont want him there at all. I also know that my whole family will be there and they will not be so nice to him and that will give me anxiety too. Is the the wrong choice?? He has NOT been a single part of this pregnancy except for being the sperm donor..why should be he there for the glory?? Just my opinion..I'm open to other opinions...He thinks this is me being mean because I'm not getting my way on him coming home...but I have said this from the beginning...

SB