Just a question and I might feel differently if my sons were younger when this happened but why do you feel you have to create the R with your sons and their Grandma?
Do they like her? Do they ask to see her? She seems pretty capable, can she contact them if she wants to see them? Can she contact H if she wants to see them?
If you don't want to go with H, don't. You've been doing things you haven't wanted to do for a long time.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
They do like her. They do not ask to see her: at ages 12 and 14 they would think of a million things before they would think of scheduling a date with their grandma. I'm not sure if that's their fault or just normal. I can't remember ever once asking to see either of my grandmas but I loved them both and liked seeing them.
She is capable and NEVER EVER asks to see them or contacts them. She could contact H but she is aware that they don't live with him and he does not take them for any regular amount of time, so if she wants to see them it would be logical to contact me.
Literally in 14 years she has not done that. She likes to come if there is a sporting event. Her other two grandkids (daughter's kids) were both star athletes so usually she was busy with them every single time we wanted to see her. When our oldest turned 6 and started wrestling we found out in an offhand conversation that she had begun going by herself to local high school wrestling tournaments because she missed seeing the sport from when H was in it. So we started inviting her to S14's sporting events and if she was not already busy with her other grandkids' baseball, football, soccer, field hockey, basketball or other event...then she would show up. She has two other grandsons who live near us (grown now) and did not see them because they did not play a sport. My S12 also does not play a sport and she shows no interest in coming unless it's for a game that S14 is in.
Unless we invite her to lunch or something. It does not come from her, not ever.
Yes bug, I have been doing things I don't want to do for a long time. I don't know if I should explain to H, or to MIL, or not bother, that I'm not interested in going because we are not together and we need to start acting like it.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You know I've been around and around on my in-laws and where I am with them.
I've decided that I can be wherever I want to be. I don't need to continue to be the person filling in the gaps in a family that doesn't really care if those gaps are filled in.
If you want to see MIL, see her. If you feel it will be beneficial for the boys to maintain regular contact with her, have a talk with H. But in my experience you're right, visits for boys that age can be tedious after the first 20 minutes unless there's an activity involved.
Sit back for a while and see what develops. See if the emotional connection is important enough for them to make a move.
Water seeks its own level.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
I agree with Labug. I spent most of my M life upset at my in-laws (mostly MIL). Being M to a "mama's boy" isn't fun. Some things you can't change. As hard as you try...you'll never change it. One day I woke up and realized that I didn't have to go to my MIL's five nights out of the week and all day on Sunday. If my H wanted to go, fine. If he wanted to take the kids, fine. If she wanted to come over, fine. But I was an adult who could make my own decisions.....and was prepared to realize some folks would not like my decision. I can't tell you how free I felt! Of course, I was still pretty young then, but it relieved me from a lot of stress I would have every time I went to my MIL's.
I know what it is to have resentment toward your H that was influenced by your MIL. I also know what it is like to be M to a passive man. I don't know that I could have as big if a heart as you, and try to set up time for the kids to be with her if she didn't put forth more effort than is apparent. As a mother, you don't want your kids missing out on the R they can have with their paternal GM. It makes sense.
If there is anything I can pass along to you, it's the fact that as we grow older we discover just how important peace is to our lives. I'm at the place that it's really better for me to avoid as much stress as possible. Peace is the center of our well being. So, what I'm saying here is....if this causes you to feel uncomfortable, fake, or whatever....then you don't have to do it anymore. At the least....you don't have to do it before the next time school is out. If you feel ready by then, fine. If you're not ready....fine.
We can't make all the relationships work in our kids' lives. You can't be their dad. You can't make their GM want to spend time with them. (BTW, she kind of sounded like she was doing a favor, but IDK.) As much as we want our children to have enriched lives from those related to them, and those who have daily contact with them......we just can't control it. Ha...another thing I had to learn was stop trying to control what I couldn't. Not that I think it's what you're doing. I think you're just trying to be a good mom.
So anyway, I said a lot to not say much!
Just give yourself some breathing room for awhile. It takes a lot of inhaling & exhaling to get resentment out.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
(BTW, she kind of sounded like she was doing a favor, but IDK.)
You saw it too! Boy do I realize I have a lot of resentment toward her. I almost wrote back, gee you are much busier than I am! lol
Can you believe how many many dates she put in there as higher priority than seeing my kids once?!
Right. inhale exhale.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Just a note on maintaining a R with grandparents who aren't invested in that R.
As a kid, every Sunday evening we had to go visit my Dad's parents. My grandmother was a very unhappy woman and I felt she never really cared to see us, it was her duty. I also believe she liked her other grandchildren more because they were all of the same religion, we however were doomed because we were born outside that religion. (she told my mother this)
Anyway, it was always very uncomfortable. My grandfather usually sat in another room counting the offering from church. I'm not sure he even knew our names and I know I never had a conversation with the man. At the time I thought he was really old but he was probably not much older than I am now. I was an adult when they died, I thought I should feel something but really didn't.
Your post of this morning reminded me of all this. It takes an investment from both sides to have a R, at least that's been my experience.
My maternal grandparents made up for the lack of love from these folks.
Me 57/H 58 M36 S 2.5yrs R 12/13
Let me give up the need to know why things happen as they do. I will never know and constant wondering is constant suffering. Caroline Myss
This is the fun grandma, spry, laughing, artsy and cute. I have been the one managing the r with her
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
