Frustrated? I don't know. I don't think that's the word I would use to describe it. Perhaps just sad. I see that we could have had things so good, but it just fell apart. I read about people that are dealing with illness and job loss and family problems and issues with kids and car accidents, and the toll that the stress takes on themselves and their M. We don't have any of that, thank God. I said for years that if we ever had a real problem to deal with, it would be over for us. We have zero ability to work things out in a healthy way.
I used to be very frustrated, because we would invest tons of time and money into counselors. I would walk away trusting that I could count on what we agreed to, then H would go off and do his own thing, claiming "stupidity" again. Or that he forgot. Or that it was somehow different than what we agreed to. Or that he simply changed his mind, without informing me. I was frequently being blindsided.
So that frustration, along with trying to figure out how to create a healthy M (granted, by my definition) when only one person was trying was difficult. But with my acceptance that H is not likely to change, and that I simply can't do it myself, I've been able to gain some peace. Revisiting it is more frustrating than anything.
I'm curious, do you feel like your H has the ability to help you? It seems like he might have too big of problems of his own to have anything left over to try to help you with yours. Also, if your response is to clam up, what would someone do to "chase" you?
