I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[Sweetbriar]

Wow! KG...I loved reading (and re reading) your post today. You are very inspirational. It is nice to hear (and Im sorry you had to go through it) someone elses story of pregnancy and betrayal and abandonment. I AM struggling right now. I have had really good weeks and then BAM....here I am focusing all on him and OW and how great she must be. I want to believe that she is a temporary fix, but I doubt it. He really seems to be in love, although not happy? Does that make sense??

I got a lot more awful texts today...basically blaming me for EVERYTHING that has happened and just throwing in my face the fact that he is still supporting me and that everything I Have is because of him. He also mentioned that he doesnt know how I can sleep at night knowing how depressed and sad he is. That the reason I have this beautiful home is because of him. He also said that the kids and I dont appreciate him and what he has to do to support us.

He even told me today that he realizes now what its like to be really loved and that he can never turn back...he deserves it. I guess he deserves love more than he kids deserve a family life and a dad in their lives...never have I seen or heard something more selfish. He lives at his parents and goes to OWs house when he feels like it and lives a life with her with no bills, no kids, no dogs, no intrusions...a "perfect" world and becuase of her age...they will always have that. They dont seem to have anything going against them:(

I know that my life must move on and that I must focus on me but its hard. He also told me that I wont be happy until he is dead and that I am pushing him in that direction. That the grief and sadness and pain is unbearable.

I try to imagine a life without him...a life of just my kids and I and I struggle with that. We had a nice life and he destroyed that...and he has no remorse at all. I know that one day it will be better...but I just wanted him and OW to fail...and it kills me that they havent. In fact, they seem to have gotten stronger.

H also said that he loves me but hated our marriage...does that make sense?

I do feel better today than yesterday...but still feel sick when I think about OW and him..I dont know what happened for them to come back intruding my mind...I had put it aside for awhile now...I really believe it was painting the baby's room and realizing how close the deliver is that triggered my emotions of them again.

Im going back to NC for myself. I will not be texting him again...and I will just send him a picture of the baby when he is born....sad as it is....