I've been reading tons about mlc and feel so torn and nervous about my relationship (or lack thereof) with my husband. I know it's because I'm going to see him on Thursday night for a college planning meeting for our daughter. And we'll obviously have to talk about taxes etc, and I'm terrified it'll be the perfect segway into him asking for or mentioning a divorce.
I feel his hopelessness about our relationship and truly feel that if he had a dream that we could be happy together he would try when he was ready... but he's depressed and can't see any good in trying. I want to try now more than ever. But I'm afraid we'll never get the chance. But it scares me a little too, to think about trying. Because we weren't happy, I wasn't happy with him. He gave up on us at least 18 months ago and it was a lonely dark period. I'm just recently feeling more optimistic and good about myself and life in general. But that doesn't mean I don't want my marriage. I just want the best versions of ourselves trying to make it work. But he doesn't want that and I don't think he even knows how to tap into the best version of himself because he's running, distracted with working 24/7. Even when he left our home he went to live with a friend and still has never had any time to himself to sit and dwell and think. It's been too easy to distract himself with a good time and his friends (the endless frat house), or at work, or presumably with his girlfriend. I want him alone, in a bare apartment - then we'll see how he feels. But I can't control anything!
Need to figure out how to keep my anxiety down for a couple more days. And all this reading about MLC and other people's experience has got my feelings all in a jam. I'm spending too much time dwelling on him and not on myself. I'm reading his chat site that he goes to obsessively every few hours looking for some clue to what's in his head. I wish there was an off switch for my brain. I'm not handling the lack of control very well today. - Rebecca
