Walking the path to my own happiness

[JuneReN]

Let a lot of this go...it's the laundry situation all over again. Lol! Who cares if his sandwich is meat between meat? Stop!

If he says he wants to do x like move into rental etc, stop biting. Leave or say sure, sounds good. I am a little concerned about the reduction in income, but if you think it will work then go for it!

And leave it. He can make some decisions too. And they can come back and bite him in the ass if necessary. Stop reacting and start responding...do you see the difference?

[labug]

RLA, until you are ready to lay down your need to be right, you and H are going to chase yourselves around that drama triangle. And your next R will probably follow much of the same dynamics.

I keep coming back to read your thread because it reminds me so much of me 10-15 years ago. I think I've written this before here. So much so that I sometimes want to reach through my computer screen and shake you while screaming Stop! because I created so much pain for myself and those I love. Don't fool yourself into thinking that your kids aren't getting this on some level. Kids are very astute when it comes to emotions, especially the younger they are. They pick up on things we think we're hiding.

But I think I need to stop reading this thread, at least for awhile, because it brings back a lot of the trauma/drama of my R; my stomach is in knots right now.

I do wish you well, RLA. As I have learned, life can be so good when you get out of your own way.

[mamabird]

wow you guys! see, I said I had a hard time getting an objective view of my own behavior... seriously though, if he moves back into that house, it means disaster for ME and I can't afford that. He can dig his own grave all he wants but I refuse to go down with the ship. See the difference?

Bug, I will miss you. Thanks for all of your help. I guess I'm at the same age now that you were 13 years ago and just starting that mid-40s awakening period that we all have to go through. I will try to keep your words in mind.

[scaredsilly]

LA, maybe i'm wrong but i see your situation needs some simple boundary setting.

"seriously though, if he moves back into that house, it means disaster for ME and I can't afford that."

Boundary:
H, i'm sorry you feel that way. i can see better alternatives, financially. i can't let myself suffer that kind of financial devastation. if you continue to move in that direction, i'll have to protect myself and our children.

then, don't bluff. see an attorney and get something legal done to protect yourself.

His boundary:
LA, i'm old enough to eat what i want, good or bad. if you continue to butt into my eating habits, i'll have to (yell at you, act like a child, leave the room...his choice to handle).

it's hard to not mother our H's, i think. it's how we're wired; to nurture the ones we love. i'm back with my H now and i'm stepping out of that role. i used to place all his daily medications in his weekly pill holder. i'd sort them and make sure he didnt' run out. i'd put his one evening pill out for him and if he didn't remember it by after-dinner time, i'd bring it to him with a glass of water! boy, was i a
little-boy maker!

i'm not doing it this time. i'm letting go. i want a man so i'm going to try to treat him as one. i'm also going to have more boundaries of my own so i can expect to be treated more like an independant adult who is entitled to a happy and fullfilled life.

[mamabird]

I agree, it's about boundaries. I get confused sometimes by all the input because it differs. I know I need to let go of some stuff, but. I also have to work on standing up for myself (eg, setting boundaries). That is what I struggle with. People read into it differently based on their own biases I think.

[Wendylon]

RLA, I wrote to you yesterday but can't find my post to you! I'm pretty sure I submitted it but who knows...

My H reacts exactly the same way as yours does if I mention anything at all about his eating habits/sleeping habits/general (dis)organisation. I'm learning to leave him to it more. For example, we each took our cars to go on holiday. His battery was flat two days before we were due to leave but he didn't sort it out until it was time to set off on holiday. He didn't bother figuring out the directions so he, S13 and S17 got to the rental house one and a half hours after D15 and me. I was really tempted to interfere when I could see he was doing nothing about his car battery but figured the consequences wouldn't be mine.

I try to comment only when I'm directly affected. It's a hard thing to gauge though because his silly sleep patterns do affect his mood and that affects all of us. Also, I have a feeling that he is a bit erratic with his AD medication which again affects all of us.

Like labug, you remind me a lot of myself (not from 10 years ago but from just a few months ago and even from now). If we don't want boys, we have to stop treating them like boys. For ages, I just thought that H needed to grow some so he could respond maturely to my sage advice. That hasn't happened in nearly 23 years of being together so it won't now. I think it's worth trying something different.

The incident of the knife made me laugh. My H would go ballistic if I'd done what you did. We've had huge rows over me commenting on him eating with a full, open mouth. He still has bad table manners (as far as I'm concerned) but I've dropped that battle.

By the way, I also graduated from a top university (unlike my H who has always underachieved relative to his potential). I wonder whether that exacerbates the dynamic we both have in our sitches.

On the topic of boundaries, I'd still like to see you back in your own bedroom with or without your H.

[mamabird]

"I'd still like to see you back in your own bedroom with or without H"

YOU AND ME BOTH!!

H does need to deal with his own stuff- the parking ticket for instance. And there was a time recently when he had a flat tire and ended up changing it in the rain. I do try not to nag. He even declared no dessert anymore but last night had an ice cream sandwich and a slice of cheesecake. I said nothing!!!

We each have our own growing to do. I do still feel guilty for wanting to leave, for "giving up". Even if there were no kids I would feel the guilt. Maybe I could have tried harder than I did. Maybe I wasn't a great DB'er. Etc. I have not convinced myself that I tried hard enough... But the last time I waited things out, at my job, I suffered way too long hoping things would change. Not this time. I don't see this improving so I gotta move on.

[Crazyville]

I try to comment only when I'm directly affected.

This ^^^ is great advice!

[mamabird]

We got along well today. H is a great dad, very thoughtful with the boys. I wish he would have put that much effort into talking to me/helping me.

[hopefulinga]

i used to place all his daily medications in his weekly pill holder. i'd sort them and make sure he didnt' run out. i'd put his one evening pill out for him and if he didn't remember it by after-dinner time, i'd bring it to him with a glass of water! boy, was i a little-boy maker!

Wow, SS, this really hit home for me. For a while, I was putting H's evening vitamins on his napkin at dinner. Why I started doing that? I don't know. I can only think it was because they are supposed to be taken with food and I was concerned he wasn't. He recently switched vitamins and I told him that I didn't know what to put out. He snapped that he could handle it himself. He never complained before when I was putting them out. But I never saw it as "mothering".

LA, I think you are going to have to go into somewhat of an "ignore" mode. I used to say to myself "Is it worth dying on the hill for?" And what I meant was basically what Wendylon was saying. If it didn't really affect me and it wasn't worth dying on the hill for (arguing), then I tried to ignore it and let it go. And I get the money tree. I'm still trying to find the one my H has hidden from me.

Lately my H has made some "I'm a big boy" comments. I guess he's put up with it for 17 years and has had enough. Maybe your H feels the same way. Mine said the other night that I think he is stupid, which is far from true. Some of that is insecurity because he has HS diploma vs my JD.

I am sensitive to your need to protect yourself and your boys. I really think you should talk to a lawyer and start to plan what you need to do. What if H digs in and doesn't leave? I hate that I am going to leave, but I have to get sane sometime soon.