We have irregular sex but neither of us have ever really had enormous sex drive so we were both happy with that.
Are you sure HE was happy with that? It is amazing how often spouses assume their spouse doesn't want sex right up until they find out he or she is involved in one or more affairs. It is extremely rare that both partners have the same sex drive. Usually one feels they aren't getting enough.
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Although in retrospect we really have significantly reduced our intimacy since our youngest child.
It's very common for that to happen, and very damaging to a M.
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The text was not incriminating at all but was to a woman I had not heard of
What you describe sounds like an emotional affair which often can be as damaging as a physical affair.
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He then planned dinner with her at a very romantic expensive restaurant but that was cancelled at the last minute.
I think he's pushing to make it a physical affair.
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Despite trying not to, I exploded one evening and said that I wanted an explanation of his relationship with her and I thought that he ought to introduce us and let me know if he was taking her out for drinks or dinner. This was met with silence, which I took as a 'no way'.
It's OK to set boundaries, but if you exploded, you went about it in the wrong way. Have you asked your H to consider MC? This is a situation where a C could really help the two of you to navigate this minefield.
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Throughout all this I assumed that he was having a Mid Life Crisis and that it would all blow over.
There's no way to diagnose MLC's, so don't assume that's what it is. It's more likely that the passion and sex lacking in your M is driving him away. Regardless of which it is, it will NOT just blow over on its own. You have to take action. Read DR. Implement the strategies. Work on yourself. Make yourself the W only a fool would leave.
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I have decided to detach and GAL but am worried that he might interpret this as normal behaviour and expect us to continue like this for ever.
What you've been doing has not been working, so it's time to change the dynamics. Don't be afraid to try, that's the nature of DB'ing. Try something new and monitor the results. Give it time, don't expect results in weeks, it takes months. Be patient.
