I am not in piecing yet, but I think that it is progress. Actions, consistent actions, are more important, or at least "speak" louder, than words.
IMO, the issue with his daughter and support, maybe let that one be for a while, until you get more traction in the reconciliation? It does seem to be a biggie for both of you, do you think there is enough foundation built to take on a "biggie" right now?
Just my 2.5 cents... T^2
In the depths of winter, I finally learned that within me there lay an invincible summer. - Albert Camus
Uncertainty is the very condition which impels people to unfold their powers.-Eric Fromm
Also, my H and I also did the weekly talk about our issues---this made everything worse. Give yourselves time. Keep up the 180's, like going for the walks....
SS, you and I have walked much the same road. Regarding the financial sitch, I'm not sure it's a good thing to put it off. I KNOW it's a big issue for you. To put it under the rug only to have it crop up again later might be worse than getting it out now. If it boils down to the fact that he can't get over his "guilty dad syndrome," is this a deal-breaker for you?
Alternatively, can you keep separate finances? You've been separated for some time, was that part of it? That was a big help in our sitch. When it was H's money and he couldn't afford it, his perspective changed completely. Ironically, then I was able to be the supportive and encouraging W, telling him to go ahead and give them his money if he wanted to, instead of coming across as the cheap, stingy, money-monger scapegoat.
LOL, CV! it's so funny to think that my H could even think of me as stingy! i've been so generous with his kids, well beyond anything he could expect from most stepmothers, i think. i know you're not saying that but it made me laugh.
tori and t2, thank you for looking in. i respect that it might seem that i'm sabotaging the reconciliation but this is way too important an issue for me to let it go any farther. i have not spoken to his daughter for over a year. i texted her and emailed her three times with a request to meet for lunch to put our differences aside because our history together meant so much to me. she never replied. i get no birthday wish, let alone a card, no mother's day card or call, nothing. she gets $100 for her birthday and another $100 for graduation from my H and i and probably about $300 for xmas from us. i get no thanks. nothing.
this is not a person i want to continue to support. she's an adult now. she's 23. she just graduated from college. she has a boyfriend who sleeps over at our townhouse we gave her to live in for $130/mo. i am 63 years old now. i do not have time for this type of coddling of an adult woman any longer.
she is taking money out of my pocket and i want to spend our money on us now, not her or her brothers. i don't support my son. my son is a Ph.D. so i think my H thinks he doesn't need any financial support but to me, that's not the issue.
all of our money has always been together. when we got married, H had very little. i had a home, retirement funds, pension, savings, etc. now i'm retired and my income is really only social securtity. i have retirement accounts but have not drawn from them as H has a good job and we live off his earnings and my SS check. we've never had separate accounts and to do so, we'd have to divorce.
i met H for dinner tonight and just came out and told him that i was afraid he was stonewalling me on an answer about his D and the rent she would pay and it was distressing to me.
low and behold, he advised me that he had spoken to her and told her that the rent was now $600/mo. and said that she will be putting the balance into our account! so...maybe there's hope? i do know that i've been a very big help to him with all kinds of personal chores and phone calls to make our rental properties function. so, maybe he's seeing the value of me over her? it's sad to feel that way but i do.
the reason i need this to be resolved now is that it's a big deal breaker for me and if it was to continue, nothing else he had to offer me would make up for it. it would mean that he wanted me to continue to sacrifice for his adult daughter after years of waiting for those sacrifices to end. it would mean that he placed her comfort above mine. it would mean that i would continue to suffer financially to a grown woman who 2 years ago had the nerve to tell me that "what's his is mine" when speaking of all our marital property.
no, i'm willing to lose him for that.
thank you all for your willingness to help me.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
SS, it sounds like you're working on communication and that communication has been a big stumbling block in the past. I think that's great, but just want to warn that effective communication is not something the two of you can develop on your own in my opinion. I really feel like professional help with this would put you on the path to rebuilding the R much faster. Have you checked into RetroV?
One of the difficulties in moving into piecing is switching gears, before piecing it's not advisable to seek out counseling but once in piecing counseling can be a critical component to getting the R on track.
good news for me: i checked our bank account yesterday and H's D23 had deposited the remaining rent balance into our account!
H also told me that her plans are to get a job in her field and pursue a master's degree somewhere (not offered in our city). he also assured me that all he will be giving her in the future is "advice".
i'm so happy that he has chosen this. it means, to me, that we can continue to work on our relationship and try to make a life together. it was a major stumbling block for me and it's out the the way now. i hope it remains so.
thanks for all your input and thoughts. they really help me.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
i'm finding that i have a big trust issue with H. i feel like i will always have the BD in the back of my mind and the thought that he will leave again. i'm not really afraid of not being married to him but it just seems like we didn't have a real marriage if he could "bail" on it.
he could do it again?
does anyone else feel that way? it really makes me not feel like being completely vulnerable.
M:63 H:53 S:41, SS:28, SS:25, SD:23 M:15 T:16
Bomb:12/17/11, "I think we should go our separate ways." H moves to his mother's house, 4/1/12 12/21/12: H moves back home, piecing
I think the lack of trust is a huge issue in any M, regardless of the actual cause of the mistrust (cheating, lying, BD, etc) I get not being completely vulnerable because of it. I think that's why some M's fail even after the couple R's after an affair, because the offended party just can't trust again. I don't have an answer to this, but I'm constantly looking because I have several areas of mistrust myself, so I'll let you know if I come up with something.
If you are scared about your financial independence, then make yourself financially independent. Separate your finances from H's if that helps. Controlling his parenting choices is not the solution. Nor do I think his financial support of his daughter is the problem.
Rather, you seem to feel that H loves you less than his daughter. You equate financial changes with proving that isn't the case. This is a pretty unhealthy place to be.
First, people love their spouses and children. Getting into the who-loves-who-more-prove-it game is toxic. Quit playing that game.
Identify what you really want:
-- a stable, secure marriage -- feeling safe and loved -- assurance of financial security -- consistent reassurance of H's commitment to M
Figure out both by yourself and by working with your partner how to best achieve those things. Aim toward those positive outcomes. Drop vendettas and anger against SD. She is only 23, still very much a child. A young 23 year old woman fresh out of college is nothing like a 40 year old man with a PhD. Insisting there is no difference is not helpful. H still has more parenting work to do. If you try to squeeze out financial and emotional space for him to do so effectively, you are very directly harming yourself, your H, your M, and the children involved. And, even if you manage to get H to do what you want, it is not going to lead to what you really want, the sorts of things listed above.
On their face, your recent posts suggest a very dysfunctional longstanding family dynamic. Try to treat that dysfunction directly through family therapy rather than manipulating outcomes several steps away from the real problem. What you are doing with the rent issue is setting up a pass/fail test for H that likely seems controlling and manipulative to him. You probably know that already. So, even when he passes the test, it probably does little to reassure you. It sounds like H had little space or opportunity to demonstrate real change or show real concern, support and love for you. Without freedom and space, the opportunities for trust, respect, and love to grow are stifled.
Set yourself, your M, and your H up for success by finding positive ways to bring the things you want in your life.
