It's a big step for you. Don't relaxe though, continue on!
Together for 8,5 years. S2 Interest in OM. She left 29.09.12 b/c we couldn't work things out. No signs of OM, not digging. Living in seperate homes, sharing custody.
Thx UF. Not sure I can attend EE in Feb, I might have to wait til May because of work schedule. Which is a big bummer but i think this 12 step program will be very good for me in the mean time.
Well had conversation with wife tonight without a blowout.
Things she said that stuck:
-I'm arrogant. It's your personality . Either She can live with it or she can't . I asked for examples and she had none. Just my personality.
-You don't go out with friends enough
-she says I don't help around the house enough but this statement is redic. She then seemed to retract that statement.
-I can be negative
-called me naracist
I just kept trying to validate and not use the word but. This is first conversation in months without esculation.
I can see some positive here. Things I can work on but it's tough because I don't agree with everything she says
She told me she feels isolated being at home with kids and that she feels I'm like another kid. I validated but I feel nothing I do can make her happy. I come home play with kids, do dishes, fold laundry , clean etc .
I played video game with son ONCE in 2 months and she brought that up. Again I validated but seems redic.
But the one thing that stands out is not going out with friends and doing gal.
This conversation with wife wasn't a setback. I asked her if we could continue to talk and communicate. We can try she said.
It is tough because she makes some valid points. But then some stuff out of her mouth garbage . I bit bullet and validated
Why do you feel like you have to validate EVERYTHING she says? Don't. You've apologized enough. You don't even have to apologize. Just tell her that you understand that she might feel that way, and that you have changed and if she's not willing to see it, well it's her problem. Then walk away.
Start standing up for yourself and stop letting her take control. You're letting the fear get to you where you agree to everything she says. No woman respects a guy like that.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
B the words sorry did not leave my mouth last night.
I tried to say I understand without using but statements
I did stand up for myself . When I did she moved onto next thing. I told her that her counselor had no right calling me a naracist without talking to me . She said he is basing it on what I tell him
I stick up for myself but it was always something else.
I didn't want to leave room because we were actually communicating
Drew. I asked because up til now she didn't even want to look at me. She told me last night she wasn't talking to me because in her mind she was done. Let me state this. My posts today are not complaints. Although I don't agree with a lot of what was said there are some positives to take away and some 180 areas to potentially work on.
First positive. This morning before work there was no tension based on our conversation last night. I acted "as if" and the day was going on and she actually txt me today about something we needed to do for tomorrow.
2nd positive or 180: It is apparent that my lack of GAL is showing up because she literally said you never go out. You have no friends. Now I have tons of friends. They are not all local to me anymore. They also have kids, jobs, and yes it is tough to get together with them. On that note. I'm going out to dinner with my college buddies next week. I took the initiative to book it this am.
3rd positive: This conversation did not escalate on either end. We talked for a good 35 minutes and she stated she was tired and wanted to hit the bed. I said good night. I did NOT react to the things she said about me that I did not believe were true.
Some struggle areas:
1. She keeps stating I am arrogant. That it is my personality. I don't personally think I'm arrogant. I don't think I am any better then any person out there. I don't know how to break that persona with her. Her exact words were "that will never change, either I accept you for who you are or I don't" She got me thinking that maybe I am arrogant. Not like rolex and bmw arrogant but maybe with my words and body language. Maybe I need to ask others about how I am perceived? Have friends give me hard feedback about me? Give me 360 degree feedback
2. Her counselor has planted this in her head about me based on what she is telling him. Believe it or not my love language is "Words of Affirmation, Physical touch" I'm not a narcisst. But my W does not and has not ever spoke in my love language. EVER. Part of my love language is "Insults can leave you shattered"
"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they're superior to others and have little regard for other people's feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism."
3. When she told me I don't do anything around the house I wanted to jump through the roof. I did not react. Here I stood up for myself. When I started standing up for myself she quickly retracted her statement and said its not that "its this"
4. I have no friends. Ludicrous. I just told her "I just filled out basement with 40 people for texas holdem tournament" She said those aren't your friends. I was like huh
Either way I thought last night was POSITIVE. Trying to sort through what was said that had validity and what was not valid. It keeps circling back to "GAL" and hanging with friends.
She also kept referencing past. for example:
"you snoop through my sh*T" "you said this about X, 2 years ago"
I said we can't keep reliving in the past W.
Anyways. I have some thinking to do about the conversation. I am sort of proud of myself for not reacting, ending the conversation without esculation, and not allowing it to ruin my next day.
I also have a contact from my Ala Non group who has exactly been through this situation. So I will call him when i can
