I don't think your statements are completely different stories. I think they're all true at the same time. None of them are comfortable so you simply don't want to stay there for long. But I completely get it. It's like me saying I love my H and hate him at the same time.
Okay, so to take it back one step further, what is your definition of "saving your M?" Or even better yet, what is your definition of a M? If what you have doesn't meet your definition, then can you really be saving your M anyway? You might be saving your H or your finances or your commitment to "for better or for worse" or something else, but it's not your M if it doesn't even resemble a M. Accuray had a great definition of what a healthy M should look like. I'm going to have to grab it next time I come across it. In any case, I don't have that. Far from it. I doubt that you do either.
My H's lying isn't limited to his kids. He also lied about the EA he was having with his college sweetheart, hiding emails so I wouldn't find out about it. So I don't judge him? I let him pursue it? Another example is that he lied about letting his 15yo unlicensed daughter drive my expensive sports car. So I should have just let him? Of course, he never even asked me, just did it and told her and her sister not to tell me. In most cases, H lies because he knows I won't agree with what he's doing. He's very much invested in having his cake and eating it too, actually doesn't understand why he can't do both. The big issue for me is that honesty is my number 1 love language, and H knew that the second year into our H, so H lying to me has really done a number on our R.
LIS, it sounds to me like your biggest conflict is that you seem to feel responsible for your H's drinking, that you think he'll kill himself if you're not there. It may take him bottoming out before he does something about it, but I don't think that means you need to bottom out with him. Are you enabling him? Is your love for him preventing him from going the tough road he needs to go? I'm going to go read up on your sitch. I'm curious how the R turned around from him leaving, and how you've switched roles.
