New Year, New Life (19 months)

[adinva]

I need some help. It's my MIL.

A lot of the anger I have simmering about H is lodging in my feelings about her too, and I'm trying to work around that to keep her in her grandsons' lives.

I'm still kind of mad/disappointed that I didn't get to see her on Christmas. I invited H's family through H and he never said and never said and finally on Christmas said they weren't coming. I never heard from MIL that she knew she was invited or that she would prefer to hang around at her own place by herself and then go see a movie with a friend. I just know from H that that is what she did, while I was entertaining family that would have loved to see her, as would her grandkids. H said it was fine not to see her that day because we had plans for a Christmas party on the 30th.

I wish I could communicate directly with her but she seems to plant H in the way and he's so passive nothing happens, and then she blames me for not sharing my kids. It could be a cultural thing among little Asian grannies. When my mom and dad want to see my kids they show up.

Unfortunately my parents act elderly and repeat stories so my kids think of MIL as the "fun grandma." And it makes me sad that she doesn't even pick up the phone to try to see them.

So, I wrote her an email. I edited it down to this:
Subject: Do you have any free time?
Hi [MIL], I think it would be nice if the kids could spend some time with you; do you have any time free that you would like to visit? I can bring them up to you, or [H] can. We have a Monday school holiday in January sometime, maybe that would be good? We also have a new supply of [item she is collecting].

She copied H on her reply, which is what has sent me into a pit.

TO: [Me], [H]
I would love for the boys and me to visit, but how about you and/or [H] too? January would be fine but I have a meeting on Saturday, Jan. 26, during the day. In the evenings I have [her daughters' daughter's] basketball games on Jan. 11, 22, 25, 28 and 30. Did you find out the date of the school holiday in January? What would the boys enjoy doing?
Please keep the maid from throwing away the collection of [item she is collecting] this time.

I'm frustrated because we have a pretty good relationship on the surface and with H gone I need to just plan doing stuff with her. H doesn't take the initiative and it is NO LONGER MY ROLE to do it for him. I'm trying to do it for my kids.

I am not planning on the four of us driving up together to see her and fake a happy family like we did at Christmas. If H is taking the kids then I don't need to go, and vice versa. She only lives 30 minutes away, we shouldn't have to book it a month out and act like it's a major event. But - she is his mother and I'm trying to soft-pedal the I'm-not-going-if-H-is-going part. I just want to be able to schedule a date for my MIL to see her grandsons...because after 14 years I know that she does not and will not.

So I stewed and stewed and came up with this reply:
TO: [MIL], [H]
For me personally, the weekends are best. Would you be interested in going out to Corner Bakery this Saturday lunchtime?

and to which H just replied:
TO: [Me], [MIL]
We should get together this Saturday around lunch time.




Blah. H is going and so I don't want to go. We faked it at his cousins and we faked it at his sister's at Christmas, and I faked it for a whole year and a half before that.

I went to Bikram yoga and threw the whole thing into it for an hour and a half, and felt the anger I feel at MIL for being so passive, and for teaching her son to be so passive, and to be superficial and fake and just really not there emotionally. I'm angry and yet understand that she believes her son is a good person doing the right thing, and that she believes that he was right when he said I was a person who he couldn't stay married to because of things I did. I'm trying like heck to be neutral but with the combo of them together I feel like I'm really swallowing a lot. Too much.

I want to tell them it is actually *painful* for me to pretend that I haven't been deeply hurt by this. It is actually *painful* for me to think of traveling together to have a nice lunch date together. I think I will tell them I am busy. I don't know yet.

I find that when I take the high road I feel good later, like it was the right thing to do. But on the other side, I feel like I am disrespecting myself and my own feelings to set them down in order to make others more comfortable with my situation.

Her son left his family, and broke his marriage vows, and never gave one ounce of effort to working on our relationship while it was breaking or since. I'm hurt and I'm angry.

Do I have to go make nice at lunch?