How does your H put his kids before you?, in what way?
The simplest example, and least conflictual, is that if they want something one way, and I want it another, he argues with me that I have to change what I want to accommodate their desires, instead of arguing with them to accommodate mine. It's the least conflictual because as soon as he starts in on me about how I need to accommodate their plans over my own, I just opt out of participating altogether. To me, that is a completely viable solution, because then he's free to do with them as he chooses, and I can keep my plans too. But then H gets angry because I'm not sacrificing my interests for his.
Other things, too, like lying to protect them, giving them money and hiding it from me. For a while, he expected everyone to wait to eat dinner on the chance that his other S would stop by and eat with us. 9:00 was not too late in his mind. S12 was maybe 5 at the time.
So now that they're gone, the opportunities are much less frequent. But I know how he feels. I'd still be dropped like a hot potato if an opportunity arose.
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Does he treat S12 the same way?
No, not at all. He isn't carrying any guilt for S12. Also, he doesn't have a problem with disciplining him because he knows he doesn't have another house to run to, and since he sees him full-time, he doesn't feel like he needs to be Disney Dad whenever he gets to see him.
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If you did divorce and started a new relationship, would S12 not come first? I know there has to be a line somewhere but to some extent, wouldn't you expect the kids to come first?
It factors in greatly to my current decision to stay right now. It would be hard, but I don't think kids should ever come first. If you don't have confidence that your spouse has your child's best interest at heart, then you shouldn't be with them. Even bio parents disagree and have different parenting styles. You should be able to work it out without throwing the other adult under the bus. The kids will leave eventually and then you're left with just the two of you. Now that they're gone, how do I value my H now when he has never valued me?
Okay, I've answered your questions because you asked. But now I don't want to be accused by anyone of just complaining about my H and looking for sympathy and support. I realize I can't change H's guilty-dad approach to his kids. I've addressed my issues on my side by simply checking out of difficult situations. They are not my children, they will be the first to tell you. So I don't consider it a problem if I don't show up for something. H does.
So beyond answering your question about what H does, I'm looking for suggestions for MY side of things. How do I devote myself to someone that is not devoted to me?
