House for sale. So Sad. Family Breaking Up (pt 2)

[FloydMan]

Thanks I will. Love you all.

[adinva]

You feel used, but you are not 100% victim in this, even if you don't know what part you played.

Your suggestion that buying your family everything and anything should have been all they needed (you'll feel like arguing this but look a lot harder at what you have said here)... And your great anger that you've been left in spite of what you bought...

Fact is you probably were as great a husband and dad with the tools that you had that you could be, and your marriage somehow got broken without your perceiving it. It's not to blame yourself that I mention this, it is to give you a healthy dose of perspective.

As long as you are 100% victim and she is 100% wrong, you will have a hard time overcoming this. If you let it drag you down and make you bitter that will be very understandable. If you let it serve as a wake up call that emotional connection is an absolute must in your future relationships and figure out how to make and nurture that, or if you can learn how to make this a healthy learning experience for your girls instead of a giant slap of fate that throws you down... well, good can come of it. I think DB suggests that while you're making good out of what you've got you have a better chance of any kind of rebuilding with your spouse than if you choose to play the victim instead. Not that it isn't COMPLETELY understandable.

I love Pink Floyd too. I'm learning how to play Wish You Were Here in my GAL guitar group.

[Spartan]

I have trouble looking at her and she at me. Like I have nothing to say. She is one angry, bitter person. I had done a lot of soul searching over the past year and a half and while obviously not a perfect husband I have been faithful and honest and worked so hard for all we have. I made very good money over the years and I always thought I spoiled her and the kids. I gave in to everything. I really though i was doing everything for them and that is what she wanted. never gave me a clue ( or at least that i noticed) that things were amiss. she would even tell me i was the best husband and dad possible right up until the bomb. I am sure i expressed how i felt but i guess not in her LL. Emotionally I missed something for her obviously but really in the grander scheme of things the hatred and disdain for me is surreal and I just cannot see it justified. Sorry I am angry today...I feel so used.

Wow, now I'm starting to think we're identical also because these are almost identical feelings to what I have. If we weren't in same house I wouldn't talk with my W either, it's a complete act right now. I've been feeling really used for the last week or so but instead of angry I'm now more into the sad phase (was very angry last week). I posted something very similar in my sitch yesterday because I did everything for my W and was only one there through her big life issues and now I'm the bad guy over things 15 years ago that she never let go. She never has taken blame for her things or shown appreciation for anything I did. I can't figure out where all the resentment has come from either. Yesterday I was so down I wanted to call and ask her WTF is wrong with her but thankfully I didn't. Her (old) best friend called me the other day and said it breaks her heart to see what has happened to my W and how cold she has become to everyone.

Just stay the course and we'll get to our destination.

[labug]

Don't focus so much on what Ws are doing, instead focus on you and how you can improve your situation.

Read ad's post again, especially this part: Fact is you probably were as great a husband and dad with the tools that you had that you could be, and your marriage somehow got broken without your perceiving it. It's not to blame yourself that I mention this, it is to give you a healthy dose of perspective.

And the flip side is, your W is probably as good as she can be right now, for whatever reason. She may stay stuck, you don't have to because you are acquiring new tools.

But continuing to focus on how "bad" she is will keep you stuck in that victim mode.

[FloydMan]

Thanks Spartan, AD, and Bug.
It is not so much I feel like the victim although I did feel that a year and a half ago when A came out.
Maybe a bit of a victim now in that I do feel used....more recently again as I see how she manipulated a lot of things in her favour. I don't feel so much a victim in the R itself...that was both our fault. though she blames me for all and feels her only mistake was the A. we both let it get to that point. I was lonely too and emotionally neglected. i chose other outlets. I learned a lot over 18 months about emotional connection and its vitality in a M. We both screwed that up. Her begging and pleading 18 months ago and again this spring to save the M at all costs and for a 2-3 year commitment to work on it was manipulative as she roped me back in only to pull the plug weeks later for her timing. I had a wake up call, an epiphany if you like and most of it was based on her reasoning that divorce is wrong and she will fight "as long as it takes" for this M. Weeks later she was done. I know it sounds victim like but I did all the compromising. Maybe it is one of those don't believe anything she says statements but she said this was her plan months ago. Divorce is wrong and an escape from issues but only brings more. Stats do not support happiness beyond it except in small percentages and where there is abuse etc.

Glad you folks love Floyd. My d10 is learning guitar too. Formal lessons start next month.

[labug]

This is why expectations get us in trouble. You were following a path based on what your W said, maybe not necessarily what you wanted?

Because in my way of thinking, if you were following your path, you would be in a better place right now, no matter what W wanted. Not to negate the negative impact of D but you've known for 18 mos that things weren't good.

[FloydMan]

True. The path for me was not really D to begin with but felt so betrayed and was one that always had the mindset if an A ever happens that is it. I was stuck in that notion and got turned around 2x and saw the light. I had a whole new understanding. I worked on all the MC stuff that she dragged me into. But it was all for me. She felt and still feels she did not need fixing too and rebelled against the therapy. if the sessions were focussed on me then she felt it was a good session. when they were focussed on her she referred it as "psychobabble". I know I know....fix me....that is all I can do. She can't and won't look at herself. That is the shame.

[labug]

She might someday, you never know but that's hers to fix. My H thought I would never change but I have, immensely. His patience just wore thin and I don't blame him.

I'm not suggesting you should have more patience, less patience, any patience. Only you know when you're done. But you will get further if you keep to your path and let W keep to hers.

MC stuff that she dragged me into. Does this help you or hurt you? And if she had to drag you, why? You said you got a lot out of it, have you ever thanked her for dragging you?

[FloydMan]

Yes...I did acknowledge that it turned me around to see A in different light. However it messed her up and brought out her worst fears and that she had issues of her own that she would not deal with. One of the reasons I was resistant to go is that I never said I would not go but that she had issues too and it was not to be all about me. She promised she would deal with her issues but once the psychology hit her it freaked her right out...literally. She was afraid. I think this is where MWD makes points about that old type of therapy. We needed solutions based therapy. Not hashing out old issues right away. Wish I knew this stuff a long time ago. Wish she would look at SBT or Retrouvaille.

[FloydMan]

Some days are just blah. I am feeling down today and not strong at all. GAL is great suggestion and I have been doing that some in last couple of months. You know what I realize though? My W has not done any GAL. Coffee with the girls from time to time, nails, hair and spa but she has always done that stuff for years. There is nothing new for her at all. I see sadness in her eyes among the severe anger. I did come across some notes of hers a month ago noting she is sad and lost some friends and family in this process. She always says she loved my family more than her own and most of our good friends are mine from all my life. Even our newer friends over the past couple of years are through my connections, kids and sports that I am also close with. Other than her work pals she has nobody. Other than I suspect OM, but not like she is out too late or overnights.
We had a very handsome family that I know was her pride….she loved to show it off and brag about it. I look at these pictures around the house and I see a proud matriarch centring her family. She is beautiful quite honestly, my kids are beautiful, the dog is handsome even. She still says I am handsome and will be a catch for someone. Not to sound egotistical but I am comfortable with my looks and shape and do get interest from nice ladies.....but I am not interested in them really. Others were literally envious of us. It all looked so perfect. She kept it perfect looking on the outside. Always wanting family portraits and getting lots of copies to give family and friends. Fussing over her looks (and she really doesn’t have to), the kids looks clothes etc. Would fuss over me, fixing my tie if not perfect....I was uncomfortable with a lot of it really...mother hen like…. Not to gross you out but like fixing my hair if out of place, popping zits etc. She would grab tweezers and say "come here" and pull an eyebrow hair or nose hair or ear hair. Not that there was ever a crop of it. I had to be perfect…nothing out of place. She is obsessed about her looks, the kid’s looks and used to be of mine. Even a couple months ago she told me to wear other shoes than the ones I had on. I reminded her that she left me and cannot do that anymore. All perfect to the outside but inside is turmoil in her. Now that things are out in the open with family and friends she puts on this front of needing to be perfect single mom and lies about things to family and friends about how she is handling things. That is sad. I catch her looking at me sometimes out of the corner of her eye and pretend not to be looking at me.