It's okay, the client sensed she lied on the resume anyway.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
A little shop humour before bedtime is always good. D10 is fast asleep beside me. She is heartbroken and wanted no part of mom tonight. Good night all.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
Head up CV. You know I never understood why you said you were staying for S12, until you said about not wanting to share him.
I have a few questions for you, How does you H put his kids before you?, in what way? Does he treat S12 the same way?
If you did divorce and started a new relationship, would S12 not come first?
I know there has to be a line somewhere but to some extent, wouldn't you expect the kids to come first?
M: 29, H: 31 D: 9 S: 8 T: 13 Y M: 9 Y ILYBIDKIILWY 12/09/2012 ~~~~ Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles. ~~~ it Emptys today of its strengths
KD, you don't have to check out, but I would appreciate if you'd answer some questions. First, I wasn't specific in my question about H's behavior:
Quote:
+ H states he wants to improve the M + H is going to counselling + I do not ask about his counselling + H sometimes offers information about counselling + H wants conversations limited to 15 minutes + H appears to have problems with long conversations + I understand and empathize + I like long conversations + I have not had conversations with H since + H appears to have changed <--- not THIS behavior + H compliments me + H wants to touch + H wants to do things together + H wants to have sex + I do not want touch + I do not want to do things together + I do not want sex + H stopped this new behaviour <--- This behavior + I continue to not have conversations + we both win
My question really was what new behavior did he STOP?
Also, you didn't simplify it, you twisted it. For example, he doesn't want to do MY interests with me. He only wants to do things together if they're his interests. By phrasing it the way you did, you painted him out to be a wonderful H and me a witchy W, when in reality, our M would still be very much all about him if I let it. For that, I ask you again, what is the purpose of the parsing.
Sorry I took off last night but was exhausted. I started going back to the beginning with your posts. You stated that you wanted to save your M desperately. Do you still feel that way? Is that what you are still hoping for?
How does your H put his kids before you?, in what way?
The simplest example, and least conflictual, is that if they want something one way, and I want it another, he argues with me that I have to change what I want to accommodate their desires, instead of arguing with them to accommodate mine. It's the least conflictual because as soon as he starts in on me about how I need to accommodate their plans over my own, I just opt out of participating altogether. To me, that is a completely viable solution, because then he's free to do with them as he chooses, and I can keep my plans too. But then H gets angry because I'm not sacrificing my interests for his.
Other things, too, like lying to protect them, giving them money and hiding it from me. For a while, he expected everyone to wait to eat dinner on the chance that his other S would stop by and eat with us. 9:00 was not too late in his mind. S12 was maybe 5 at the time.
So now that they're gone, the opportunities are much less frequent. But I know how he feels. I'd still be dropped like a hot potato if an opportunity arose.
Quote:
Does he treat S12 the same way?
No, not at all. He isn't carrying any guilt for S12. Also, he doesn't have a problem with disciplining him because he knows he doesn't have another house to run to, and since he sees him full-time, he doesn't feel like he needs to be Disney Dad whenever he gets to see him.
Quote:
If you did divorce and started a new relationship, would S12 not come first? I know there has to be a line somewhere but to some extent, wouldn't you expect the kids to come first?
It factors in greatly to my current decision to stay right now. It would be hard, but I don't think kids should ever come first. If you don't have confidence that your spouse has your child's best interest at heart, then you shouldn't be with them. Even bio parents disagree and have different parenting styles. You should be able to work it out without throwing the other adult under the bus. The kids will leave eventually and then you're left with just the two of you. Now that they're gone, how do I value my H now when he has never valued me?
Okay, I've answered your questions because you asked. But now I don't want to be accused by anyone of just complaining about my H and looking for sympathy and support. I realize I can't change H's guilty-dad approach to his kids. I've addressed my issues on my side by simply checking out of difficult situations. They are not my children, they will be the first to tell you. So I don't consider it a problem if I don't show up for something. H does.
So beyond answering your question about what H does, I'm looking for suggestions for MY side of things. How do I devote myself to someone that is not devoted to me?
