Is this MLC or WAS? Don't know what to do...

[BrightFuture]

Hi,
I’m new here. I’ve been reading the posts for some time, but now decided to post my story and ask for an advice.
Here is my story. Me 46, husband almost 49 (this month.) We’ve been married for almost 17 years (Dec. 29 was the anniversary.) I have one son (24) from the previous marriage. H doesn’t have any kids. For the first 5 years our marriage was great. We could talk almost about anything. Then, life happened and I thought there was less and less attention and affection from him. Four years ago we almost split, and it was initiated by me. We decided to give our marriage another chance, and it was better for a while. Then we went back to our old habits of not paying much attention to each other. We both travel for work. His job is more seasonal, so normally he would be home during the winter months. For the last few years he was doing remodeling of the kitchen and the bathrooms in the house. I normally travelled every week from Monday through Thursday. I thought we had a good marriage. We have lots in common: views on politics, religion, social issues, etc. We both like to travel, we took vacations in different countries and all over the US. We both like to drive to places, we love dogs, you name it... We always had the responsibilities in the house split evenly, so there were no arguments about everyday chores. The only exception from all good things was the sex life, which became almost non-existent in the last few years. This bothered me a lot, and I tried to talk to my husband about it. I realize now that I did it in the wrong way.
During the last year and a half I’ve noticed that he was more stressed than usual, and also more moody, which is not his normal condition. I thought that it was because of the work situation and it would get better when he would start working. He started working in May last year, and it was very busy, so he was making good money. He works in a different state, about 1700 miles away. We agreed that he would be coming home every 3 weeks, since he wanted to stay as busy as he could in order to make more money. At the end of June we had an argument over the phone and he told me that he has not been happy for a while and he was not in love with me anymore. He still loves me and cares about me, and there are a lot of things that connect us and lots of memories/history and that this is not easy and he doesn’t want to hurt me, but he is not in love with me. He said that he had no desire to come home recently and he was still with me because it was convenient for him. He would prefer to stay friends or roommates. He told me all this after I confronted him about a suspicious phone number that I spotted on the phone record. When I asked him about this number he said that it was his friend and told me her name. Then he said that I’m spying on him again and every time he goes on the road, I start doing the same old thing. I do have some jealousy issues, but only when I feel that he becomes distant. At the end of that phone call he told me that he doesn’t want to lose me completely, but he wants to separate for a while and see what happens. I was shocked and heartbroken. I didn’t beg or plead. He was texting me asking how I was feeling a few days later after the break up. He also was telling me that he was the basket case. I calmed down and tried to talk to him, but he would not talk to me.
He came back to town one month later to take our planned trip to our vacation home with my sister’s family (he didn’t want to cancel this trip.) We had another conversation on the way there. He repeated that he is not in love with me anymore, and he doesn’t see any future for us to stay together. But he told me that he was not sleeping at all due to all these emotions and it is very hard for him at the moment. He told me that I am very negative person and don’t like the activities he likes. When I asked him to be more specific, he had some random examples from the past, like I didn’t want to go to a specific bar, or I didn’t keep in touch with people we once met on one of our trips. Some of his examples of our different interests didn’t make sense to me. He was asking me how I was seeing our future together, and I told him that we could still work it out, and that I don’t want to split, and that I see our future together. He listened and tried to argue with me that it is probably better for us to go our separate ways. He said that I will be better with a man who would stay home and not travel like him. He also told me that he feels that he is dependent on me financially (I make more money than he, and my job is more stable, even though I’m self-employed too.)
I admit that I have the tendency to be negative. It was my behavior for the last couple of years on some of the topics. I was also very closed off in terms of expressing my emotions (childhood habit.) I realize now how much damage I’ve done over the years with my behavior.
When I took him to the airport after out trip (end of July), I told him that I and everybody had very good time, but there was some tension between us. He said that it was expected in this situation. Then I told him these words “What am I going to do without you” (needless to mention I probably never said it like this before.) He said that he will be around (I understood it in terms of helping me with the house. He can do almost anything in the house.) When I dropped him off at the airport he gave me a very passionate hug and even tried to kiss me (I didn’t expect anything like that, so I already turned my head, so the kiss didn’t happen.) While hugging me he told me in a very humble voice “We are going to get through this, Hun”. But after he left, I haven’t heard from him for about a week. Then he texted me about the business (we both have contracts through our business.) He stopped asking me how I was doing and was only texting me about the business. Once in a while he would ask “how are you today”. One time I texted him that we haven’t spoken on the phone for a while and I missed his voice. His reply was “we will talk some day”. He called me on September 3rd and we talked for about 14 minutes, mostly about his news. I gave him a couple of my news, but he was not asking much about me.
He came home at the end of October. He stayed for 4 days, mostly painting the doors in the house that were installed while he was gone. He slept in upstairs bedroom, but took the showers in the master bedroom. He also never moved his clothes from the master bedroom. He made coffee for me in the mornings, ate the leftover food I had. But he didn’t want to have dinner with me or go out, or even take our dog out for a walk (which we used to do every day together when he was in town.) I didn’t ask him about anything regarding our relationship and we had very pleasant conversations about current events. We talked when he was taking some breaks from painting the doors, normally during the lunch time. Our conversations sounded just like in old times, I even thought that I was leaving in a dream and everything is back to normal. At this time I’ve already started on some of GAL activities, I was taking some classes, I started playing piano again, went out and made some friends.
After 4 days he went to our vacation home and stayed there for about 3 weeks. He came back for a couple of days, in a good mood and very talkative. I was distancing myself a little bit at that time. I asked him about the state of our relationship and he told me that he thought that he made it pretty clear already – that we needed to go our separate ways. I asked him “Do you think that we have zero chance to get back together and work it out?” He said yes. He told me that this is a phase in his life. I asked him what he meant by that. He told me that it is in his family, it happened to almost everybody in his family – multiple marriages. For him, it was a phase before me, then it was a phase with me, and this is a phase after me.
I told him that I understood and accept it, and I don’t want to be in a marriage where I’m not loved. He told me that he still loves me and cares about me, but he is not in love with me and doesn’t want to be in a husband and wife relationship. Then he got up from the couch and gave me a long hug. I told him that I still don’t understand this. He said “I know, but this is how it is”. He said that this is hard for him too. But he wants to remain friends. He would still like to come to the family gatherings (I’m assuming with my sister’s family) and be here for our traditional New Year celebration. He wants to keep everything as is (insurance, accounts, etc.) until we can figure out how to divide it. He also said that there are tax advantages in filing as married couple.
I asked him if he could tell me what the reasons were for him wanting to get out of the marriage if he didn’t mind telling me, so I would not repeat my mistakes in my next relationship. He said that it was the trust issue and that I was trying to track him down all the time. Then he was seating there for a few seconds thinking about others. I brought up my negativity, which was his first complaint in our previous conversation. He agreed that this was the issue, but to my observation he said it without any enthusiasm. He also said that we were drifting apart and after our last break up 3 years ago, nothing really changed much. To which I said that, to tell the truth, we actually didn’t try very hard to work on it after that break up.
He didn’t leave on the next day. He took his truck for service before I got up in the morning, then he texted me about that, also letting me know that he fed the dog. He was gone all morning and all afternoon. I was so distressed that I didn’t want to stay home with him another night. I made plans to go out with the girlfriend. When he came back he was very chatty, explaining to me all he had to do for truck maintenance and how many times he had to drive back and forth. He was also telling me that he was cleaning all his work stuff from the garage and was going to take it with him, now that he has a trailer (in another state where he works) to put it into. It seemed that he wanted to share all of it with me. I got dressed up and came outside ready to leave. I asked him if he could feed the dog again. He said yes, and also told me that I looked nice. I said thank you. I came back late at night when he was already in bed. I’ve noticed that he took the shower in my bedroom again. He got up early in the morning and left before I saw him. It seems that he checked all the bills that were on the table and put some of them for me to pay. He also started the dishwasher. It felt weird, like he was doing things he would normally do before as an equal partner in the marriage.
I didn’t hear from him for 5 days. Then I had a few texts from him about things that he wanted me to know during his trip to the place of work, which was a bit unusual, considering his pattern of not contacting me before. He started sending me e-mails instead of texts. He never called. His e-mails were about the business, but also had some other information like the weather or his work. He told me that he was renting a room with one of the guys he works with, since it became too cold to stay in his camper. He did ask me how I was doing.
I went to our vacation home after he was gone and spoke with our friends there. Our friend said that they had a conversation with my husband and he told him that H was done with our marriage and there is no way back. Our friend told me that H was absolutely sure of his decision. H also said that he thought I was doing fine, he was glad I was making new friends and going out. This was at the end of October. I know for sure that he was still undecided about our marriage in September. I’m not sure what happened in between this time that lead him to make up his mind. I’ve heard the rumors (from the same friends) that he was flirting with a girl who is a relative of our friends. Our friend told me that her relative has a history of getting in the middle of broken relationships, so our friend was a bit concerned.
My H came back home on Dec. 18. I was not home that week (traveling for work.) I had my son’s girlfriend staying in the house to watch the dog (she does it for me every time I need to travel.) So, my H slept in my bedroom for one night, which I thought was kind of weird. Next day I came home late at night and he was not there. My son’s girlfriend was still in the house and she told me that he came and had to make a decision whether to sleep on the couch, or go to his brother’s house, who lives about 1 mile from us. He went to his brother’s and spent every night there ever since. He came to the house to finish painting the remaining doors and do some other work in the house. He was trying to talk to me, but I was a bit distant. I looked calm and content, not overly happy, but in a good mood. I planned a trip to our vacation home with my son and his girlfriend on the same weekend after he came back home. We left for a few days, and he stayed in the house with the dog. He was happy to have the dog, and said that they went on the long walks just like in old days. During this time it looks like he slept in my bedroom again, but after we came back, he was spending the nights at his brother’s, even though the upstairs bedroom was available. He never moved any of his clothes or his stuff though. I knew already that he was going to our vacation home (our friends told me that he was coming for New Years – change in plans since before he wanted to celebrate the New Years with my family.) I asked him what his plans were, since I needed to know when he was going and when he was coming. He told me that he is not going back to work until February and he is going to stay in our vacation home until Jan. 20 or something. He left without saying good bye, but left me a New Year card that said “New hopes, new possibilities, new dreams to enjoy each day…”. He also wrote he wishes me the best in the New Year and singed it with “Love” and his name. This made me very upset. Why is he pushing me again to start my new life? He is the last person I need to hear this from.
He called me on the New Year ’s Eve and wished me Happy New Year again, and then put our friend on the phone, so she could talk to me too.
At this point, I’m completely lost. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know if this is MLC or just WAS. He doesn’t have some of the characteristics of ALC. There was a trigger though. His Dad passed away two years ago. He had ALS and was deteriorating slowly. We went to visit him and his wife a few month before his death, and it was very painful to watch him trying to eat and walk and do stuff. Also, my H’s aunt, his Dad’s sister, was having the same disease, which started a couple of years earlier, but was progressing slower. She died a couple of months after my H’s Dad died. There was a conversation in the family that this could be genetic. My H has two older brothers and a sister. Also, when my H was 12, his parent went through a very painful divorce. This caused my H to make a decision to not have kids on his own. He also showed some concerns over his thinning hear. He was going bold since I met him, but it started to bother him more and more and sometimes he felt uncomfortable to go out without a ball cap. He’s been talking for a couple of years about getting a tattoo when he turns 50. He didn’t start dressing younger though, and the only thing that I noticed is that he started to wear flip flops (nice once), he would never do it before. He was always cautious about being dressed appropriate. He’s been having sleep problems for a few years now (he wakes up at night and cannot get back to sleep again.) He talked about having a motorcycle (Hurley) sometimes, but it was never too serious. He finally bought a sand rail (parked in our vacation home), which he wanted for some time. As far as I know, there was no OW. Our friend who my husband talked to said that he still doesn’t have anybody yet. I believe this. But it could change any time, since H reiterated again to our friends and he is moving on with his life. Another thing he’s been saying for a few years now is that according to his family history he is not going to live past 65 or something. And he wants to live the remaining years without arguing. Like I said, we didn’t have much arguing in our marriage with the exception when I had jealousy outbursts. Actually, I realize now how often I was on his case commenting on his behavior towards some women. This is why I’m thinking that he doesn’t have much of MLC case, but just got tired of my nagging. I also realize that my behavior killed his attraction for me over time. He is not angry at me, quite the opposite, he seems very supportive, like he wants me to get a better life for myself. He also seems very reasonable and rational in everything, like he has it all figured out and he has a plan.
I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster ride since the BD. Sometimes I feel better, but there are times when I think that I’m completely destroyed. Sometimes I don’t even believe that this is happening to me. Everybody around me, including my sister, her husband, my girlfriends, my neighbor tell me to just end it, pack his stuff, file for D and move on with my life. I also spoke with the lawyer, and he told me the same thing. I guess I’m having a hard time letting it go. I think that it can be fixed if I stop some of my behavior, which I’m determined to do. I also know that my H is very stubborn, and if he makes up his mind, it is very hard to change it sometimes. I’m looking for some opinions on this board from experienced members. My situation a little different from others, considering that H didn’t actually leave (he just stayed working in another state), but he is not leaving at home either.

Sorry for the long post, but I felt that I needed to have some history here, so I could get the most out of any advice I can get.

[BrightFuture]

Does anybody have any input? I am a complete mess these days.

[BrightFuture]

There is a typo in one of the sentences "At this point, I’m completely lost. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know if this is MLC or just WAS. He doesn’t have some of the characteristics of ALC." It should be At this point, I’m completely lost. I don’t know what I should do. I don’t know if this is MLC or just WAS. He doesn’t have some of the characteristics of MLC."

[BrightFuture]

I'm not sure if I'm doing something wrong with the post. I know I'm in moderation, but I though that once the post is approved, it would show up on the board.

[AnotherStander]

Wow that's a lot to digest It's hard to tell whether your H is MLC or WAS, it doesn't really sound like MLC but he may be in the early stages. Regardless, it doesn't really affect your DB approach. You've got to detach and work on yourself. Take stock of the things he mentioned that he felt you did wrong in the M. Take him seriously. Change yourself. It sounds like you've tinkered a bit with pulling back and when you do he pursues you. This "distance/ pursuit" dynamic can be frustrating and confusing, because it makes you think he's interested in you again but if you pursue him he'll go right back to distancing. So it's important to hold your ground, work on you, let him come to you and don't react to his pursuit.

If you need to lose weight then do so. Get in shape. Dress better. Spruce up your makeup. Get a new hairdo. Find things to do. Be unavailable, make him wonder what you're up to. Be mysterious. These are all very attractive traits, use them to your advantage!

[BrightFuture]

AS, thank you for your reply. I was starting to worry that nobody would read my long post… I think that I did some of DB naturally. He was working in another state when BD happened, he told me ILYBNILWY over the phone. We used to talk and text every day while he was on the road, so it was very difficult for me when the communication stopped. I was not doing crazy texting or anything like that. I pulled back almost immediately. Yes, I’ve noticed that when I told him (via e-mail or text, since he didn’t call me at all) that I missed him and wished he were home for some events, he stopped texting for a few days. When there was silence on my part he would find a reason to communicate. We still have a business together and his communication was mostly about that. So, I’m not holding my breath that he is interested in me. Except one time he forwarded me an e-mail with funny dog pictures. He didn’t send me this kind of funny e-mails for a long time.

I actually need to gain some weight . I’ve lost 15 LB in the first months after BD. I was always in good shape and I look about 10-15 years younger (this is what people say.) When my H told me that we both need to start our new lives, he said that I would have no problems finding somebody new, since I always get an attention everywhere I go. Yes, I’ve changed my clothes a little, letting my hair grow longer. I’ve been doing some things that I never did before (like going to Rodeo with the GF, taking dancing classes, etc.) I also was listening to some new music when my H was in the house. He made a comment later to my son’s GF that I didn’t like that kind of music before. He is kind wondering what I’m up to. He did ask our friend at our vacation home place if we had a good time when I was there. I don’t tell him everything and he doesn’t ask. But, I feel that this doesn’t matter to him as much as I would like to. As I mentioned, he is pretty stubborn when he makes his decisions. I’m afraid that he is going to stick to his decision to end the M no matter what.

[AnotherStander]

Yes, I’ve noticed that when I told him (via e-mail or text, since he didn’t call me at all) that I missed him and wished he were home for some events, he stopped texting for a few days. When there was silence on my part he would find a reason to communicate.

That's pretty typical. It's OK to reply to him if he texts, but try not to initiate them. And don't always reply right away. You want him to wonder what's going on with you, what you're doing, if you're maybe losing interest and he might be losing you.

I actually need to gain some weight . I’ve lost 15 LB in the first months after BD.

Yeah, welcome to the BD Crash Diet, it's by far the most effective weight loss tool out there

When my H told me that we both need to start our new lives, he said that I would have no problems finding somebody new, since I always get an attention everywhere I go.

He may have said that, but I suspect he'd be shocked if he thought you might actually be going through with it. My wife started dating me after my old GF and I broke up (they were friends). My old GF was PO'D! I never understood that, but my wife said "well she doesn't want you, but she doesn't want anyone else to have you either." I think this is common with WAS's, they think they don't want their LBS but if the LBS starts dating they can get really angry. I'm not saying to start dating, just commenting on how strange a dynamic it can be.

Yes, I’ve changed my clothes a little, letting my hair grow longer. I’ve been doing some things that I never did before (like going to Rodeo with the GF, taking dancing classes, etc.) I also was listening to some new music when my H was in the house.

Fantastic, keep it up!!

He is kind wondering what I’m up to. He did ask our friend at our vacation home place if we had a good time when I was there. I don’t tell him everything and he doesn’t ask.

Perfect, you want to be mysterious like this! Make him wonder!

But, I feel that this doesn’t matter to him as much as I would like to.

That's OK, you're doing it for yourself. You may have to force yourself to do these things at first, but the more you do them the more fun you'll have and the less dependent on H you'll feel. It's part of detaching and GAL.

[mum2three]

BrightFuture, sorry you have to be here. You sound as if you are doing all the right things. I will be watching your progess and the advice you are getting as my situation has some similarities.

[Soul.Searching]

I'm sorry your going through this. You seem to have a pretty good handle on things. Keep it up.

[adinva]

You probably would like to have people tell you do this or do that, instead of yep you're doing well, but you are doing well in a very tough situation. Keep taking the best possible care of yourself and detach from what he is doing, and come here to read the advice that is on others' threads if you don't see much on your own. Part of the help here I think is to know how very not alone you are.