On October 29, 1941, U.K. Prime Minister Winston Churchill visited Harrow School to hear the traditional songs he had sung there as a youth, as well as to speak to the students. When he was invited to give a speech, Churchill stood before the students and said:
"Never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, give up.
Thanks Delboy. I'm not giving up on me, but I'm also not ready to give up on "us" (even if, in her warped mind, there is no longer an "us"). I was thinking last night that I can still be married no matter what she says or does. In a way, that helps because it lets me have some control. Marriage is a promise. I can keep that promise as long as I need to. The fact that I'm wearing my ring and she is not only serves to illustrate that point.
Still, I know that the finality of MC this Thurs is going to be extremely difficult for me. I've already made an individual therapy appt for Friday and am setting aside Fri-Sun for recovery time (I've learned the hard way that I need to have that time).
The bike is a '98 suzuki bandit 1200... it needs some work but I have all winter to do tinker with it. It already feels like a much needed distraction.
____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25 EA/PA on hold? (probably not), MC 9/30-now
Hi greymeadow, thanks for the info. My fist motorcycle was a Honda C110 stepthru used as a field bike. My next bike (bought in march 1976) was a Yamaha FSIE (Fizzy) 50cc moped and I still have it! kept in a shed. My next biked was sex on wheels, a brand new Yamaha RD 350LC 1982-85. I sold it to buy a car because of family commitments. My yougest D Dawn as just bought a Stomp 125 Pit bike, off roader and I was on it yesterday.
I have also ridden other bikes, one's of note are: Suzuki 380 GT triple, Suzuki GT 250 twin, Suzuki GT 185 twin, Honda CB 400 inline 4, Kawasaki 250 triple, kawasaki 175 single cylinder, Road trial bike, Harley Davidson SX 250 single, road trial bike, The owner of this is a friend of mine (and back in 1977), (he) decided to crash it around our local town, he slid down the road and the bike hit a telephone booth, and the speedo was damaged and stuck at the speed of 70 MPH in a 30 zone. Some of my friends have more lives than a cat! But one wasn't so lucky, but his friend who was riding pillion managed to survive, but limps a bit and as a big scar on his face.
At least I was emotionally prepared for last night's MC meeting to be a complete disaster. W was very freaked out - not just upset but physically very agitated. Almost seemed panicked. It was really the worst that I've seen her and it seemed very textbook MLC - more so than previously.
After spending two and a half months talking weekly in therapy about her non-communication of marital problems (if, in fact, she wasn't making that up) and that this whole thing was completely out of the blue for me, she said last night that she HAD communicated problems in our marriage. What??? I actually emailed the therapist today asking if I was crazy or did we not just spend two months talking about the fact that she NEVER said anything was wrong and without being a mind reader, I couldn't address those concerns. The therapist verified that she'd heard the same thing. WTF. So, two months of weekly agony for nothing.
The therapist kind of called her on it and she admitted that she has been in the affair the whole time, is "in love" (vomit), and never had any inclination to work on our marriage. Basically, she's been using it as a way to beat up on our marriage to try and avoid taking responsibility for her actions. I could take those 24 hours of therapist sessions and boil them down to her trying to make herself feel better about this whole thing.
She talked about how "perfect" for her the OM is, and I pointed out what an amaaazing coincidence that she just happens to work hand in glove with the perfect person. Out of 7 billion people on the planet, what are the chances? Give me a break. She got really freaked out at one point talking about how everyone was belittling her and against her - books, the counselor, etc. She just can't seem to deal with the fact that what she is done is morally wrong and that is why it is pretty much universally condemned as such.
I'm now officially on board with what folks were saying originally - MC is risky business and not likely to help. Let me experience be a lesson to any newbies considering it. I'm starting to think the common 2-3 year time period is, for many, how long it takes for the "shine" to wear off of their fantasy with the other person (if it ever does). I told her that I need no contact for a month and we'll revisit things after that. I think, in the end, I need to really really let her go and wait it out.
It seems like I've been trying to find some little thing to make my sitch different from everything I've read - hunting for some little clue to make it not the disaster of MLC. In the end, that was self delusion. ____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25 EA/PA on hold? (probably not), MC 9/30-now
MC does work. HOWEVER, both people have to be in the right state of mind for it to work. If your W chooses to not be honest, it's not the counseling's fault for not working. It's your W's.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Grey, you have no idea how much of a gift that admission and MC really was. It'll save you YEARS of anger and pain. I can attest to that.
Quote:
So, two months of weekly agony for nothing.
The therapist kind of called her on it and she admitted that she has been in the affair the whole time, is "in love" (vomit), and never had any inclination to work on our marriage. Basically, she's been using it as a way to beat up on our marriage to try and avoid taking responsibility for her actions. I could take those 24 hours of therapist sessions and boil them down to her trying to make herself feel better about this whole thing.
It's not fair, but it is knowing. Many wish they did know. I think you see now why it really doesn't matter if you know or not.
But thanks for posting. I can honestly say it helps. It at least helps me and I'm no newbie
Be at peace, Brother. It's not something you could have predicted or done anything about. A month may be too short of time, but I think it's a good idea to get that space.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
MC does work. HOWEVER, both people have to be in the right state of mind for it to work. If your W chooses to not be honest, it's not the counseling's fault for not working. It's your W's.
I was getting a lot of feedback on this board telling me that MC had the potential to drag MLC out longer. Maybe if we'd sought MC years before this happened it might have mitigated things to some extent but it seems like once someone has gone into the tunnel of MLC, MC isn't going to pull them back out...
Our marriage had problems, just like any marriage does. But they didn't land me here... people fix those sorts of problems all the time (she complained in MC about me sometimes putting a dish in the sink instead of the washer - it was that level of stuff that she was using to try and justify having and affair and leaving).
Next dilemma - MC said that she agrees that I might be able to wait it out, but says she wouldn't usually advise that and thinks it would be unhealthy for me to not see OW during that time...
Will be curious what my individual therapist says about that in an hour. My guess is she will say the same thing. So - to date or not to date. I still am just dumbfounded to find myself asking this question. ____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25 EA/PA on hold? (probably not), MC 9/30-now
"I was getting a lot of feedback on this board telling me that MC had the potential to drag MLC out longer. "
No it's the person that drags it out not the counseling. For some, MC shows them that maybe it's not the M but themselves that are the problem.
Your W needs to go to IC to get her head on straight.
" But they didn't land me here... people fix those sorts of problems all the time"
To a certain degree they did. Yes people fix these issues all the time, but everyone is different. Your W has chosen not to. The point is you to see the person behind the craziness.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
As mentioned, the point is to really see the person behind the crazy. She doesn't have her head on straight, and you could not have prevented this nor likely couldn't have mitigated it. It's not rational. If it was, MC might have helped earlier. It's not.
Don't ever let yourself think otherwise. There are things you can and should fix about yourself. Of course. I highly recommend not having contact with her for at least a month and then re-evaluate if YOU want to talk to her. The point of that is to get you some perspective. To let the counselor's thoughts and ideas sink in. To get YOUR head on straight.
I also don't recommend dating yet. There will be time enough for that once your head is cleared. If you don't, you'll risk meeting a great person and having such confused feelings that you ruin any chance of anything with that person. And you'll hurt that person.
Get the distance first. Get your head cleared first. Accept what happened first. Accept your part for what it is - and not more than that!
When you get to that point, there will be plenty of time for dating. And you'll be much more likely to pick a good mate AND enjoy it much more without your crazy filling your head space.
Let it settle.
Peace, AJ
BTW, this is a great thread to sticky. Jack?
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
