Thanks Snodderly. This has been one of the worst weeks since the BD. I didn't notice her not wearing her rings until the end of the therapy session. This was the same session where she dropped the "not attracted to you for the last three years" bomb. At the end, therapist asked how I felt, and I told her "hurt, betrayed, alone". She asked W the same thing and she replied, "like crap". The therapist asked, "can you say more?" and she replied "I feel like a horrible human being". I didn't respond to that - but I thought "if the shoe fits..." For the first time, I stopped the session short and left feeling angry.
The appearance of remorse (it can't possibly be genuine remorse??) makes things that much harder. It just doesn't compute. She brushes off her affair as a "mistake" and "I'm a flawed human being". I constantly get the "I didn't mean to hurt you" while she continues to hurt me. It is like someone coming into your house, breaking a priceless vase and then saying "I didn't mean to break that". If they were a normal person, they would apologize, help fix it, promise to be more careful. With my W, its more like she says "can you clean that up, I don't like looking at it" and as I'm carefully trying to glue it back together, she knocks it over again. When I ask "why did you do that??" she replies "I just want to be happy". Yep, either horrible human being or out of her mind (or both).
Actually, two statements are constants these days. "I just want to be happy" and "I feel like I couldn't tell you my deepest darkest secret". I called BS on the latter in MC last week and asked "what IS this secret??" to which she replied there wasn't any secret and she misspoke. I said, "if you killed someone, I guarantee that I'd be the one you would tell". I wonder if this deep dark secret is her affair - of course she feels she can't tell me about that.
And "I just want to be happy" doesn't excuse ANYTHING. There are 7 billion people on the planet who also just want to be happy. It is kind of a human thing... you aren't special in that regard and you don't get a free pass because you want to be happy. Time to grow up. (I have not said this to her, but I will)
That was on Friday and I ended up in bed after shoveling snow, coming down with a cold from the stress. Combine that with depression and I was out of commission - crying, sleeping, crying, sneezing. Yesterday was my first day out of bed for any duration. Last night I cried and prayed my way through the changing of the new year. I've always felt like symbols are important, so maybe that is why the rings and all the holiday nonsense hit me so hard. I can't even tell you how glad I am that it is the Jan 2nd without another holiday in sight. She's been radio silent through all of this. I didn't reach out to her around NYE and nothing from her.
What a mess I am right now... and I felt like I was doing so well. I guess I was fooling myself. I feel like I keep bouncing back and forth between feeling sad and angry today - the anger is new. I need to get the focus back on me. I am working on that starting tomorrow.
____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25 EA/PA on hold? (probably not), MC 9/30-now
You are going through the stages of grief. Anger is one of the stages and the anger you have will help motivate you to move forward. Be careful that you do not take this anger out on her. If you must do something constructive w/the anger, then find a hobby or project that you need to complete. For example, shoveling snow would be one way to release the anger. I'm sure you have other ways to release it if you think long and hard.
You are trying to rationalize what she says and/or does. Unfortunately, you can't, especially when she's in an emotional state. Her big secret may not even be the affair, it could very well be something from her past, i.e., drug/alcohol use, rape, abuse, etc. We just don't know what transpired. But, I honestly don't think it's the affair.
As for her not being attracted to you for the last 3 years, that's typical mlc lingo. They all tell us that bs and the years change like their moods. Remorse is fluff to them right now. Their empathy chip is broken and it will take some time for her to show genuine remorse, if ever.
Keep in mind, the "I want to be happy" is another comment out of the MLC lingo book. Happy to her may not mean the same thing as happy does to you.
Let her comments go, try not to over analyze everything she says and does or you will drive yourself insane. The holidays, the weather and being ill have gotten you down and you are sitting in the rabbit hole. The first order of business is rest and drinking plenty of fluids. You have to take care of yourself or you'll end up in the hospital.
The old saying around here is "let go, let God" and that is one of the wisest sayings we have. Keep the focus on you.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
"Love is a temporary madness, it erupts like volcanoes and then subsides. And when it subsides, you have to make a decision. You have to work out whether your roots have so entwined together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part. Because this is what love is. Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion, it is not the desire to mate every second minute of the day, it is not lying awake at night imagining that he is kissing every cranny of your body. No, don’t blush, I am telling you some truths. That is just being “in love”, which any fool can do. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident."
Louis de Bernières in Corelli’s Mandolin ____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25 EA/PA on hold? (probably not), MC 9/30-now
In MC tonight she said that she is sure that she doesn't want to be in this marriage anymore. I so utterly heartbroken. I can barely see through the tears to type this. Never in my worst nightmare imagined that this would be my life. Next week will be our last MC meeting and maybe the last time I see her outside of D proceedings. I loved her so completely, I don't know how to get through this.
You may not know how yet, but mostly that's because you haven't been challenged like this before. You will get through it though. And you'll be very happy when you do. Pleasantly surprised by how good life is and how good your life will be.
For now, realize you're worth it. You really are. Realize it's painful, but it's not about you. You'll need to let her go, and it will hurt, but you'll be ok and will thrive.
It's also ok to cry. If it didn't hurt, it wouldn't have been worth it.
If I were to look back at me when I was in that spot, I would tell myself the same things. I know it would still hurt, but I also see myself now and realize it only hurts for a while. I realize it only hurt because it was worth hurting over.
I don't hurt any longer. I am very happy and full of joy actually. That took time, effort and a lot of tears to get there.
It was worth it the entire time. The good and the painful. I wouldn't trade a moment of it now.
Peace, AJ
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
Anyone have DB advice for the point in the process where the WAW is, in her mind, completely done with the marriage? Same course? She said she doesn't want to work on things, doesn't have an answer for the fact that we never tried. In her mind, she jumped from unhappy and not communicating about problems to abandoning the marriage. If your spouse leaves and you don't have any interaction with them, how are DB'ing efforts supposed to work (aside from being strategies to help the LBS move on)?
If I am told jumping into the atlantic and swimming to england would fix things I would do it. ____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25 EA/PA on hold? (probably not), MC 9/30-now
Db is actually more for you than your h. It is a tool to help you learn how to navigate life, as well to assist you in interacting not only w/your spouse, but others.
Since your w is completely done w/the marriage (in her mind), I'd leave her alone as much as possible. She needs space and time to figure things out and yes, she needs no distractions in order to focus on her own healing process. For now, she may think that she is done w/the marriage and you have to accept how she feels at this moment. Later on, she may feel differently. However, the depression is what is making her feel this way. It's all part of the process.
What do you do? Go on w/your life as if she may never return. Don't over analyze her every thought or action. Do not believe anything she says because actions speak louder than words. I know you love this woman, but you've got to let her go in order for her to grow up. Have faith in God and in yourself that she may one day wake up and want to return to you.
This is the time to work on you. Do not panic...even if your wife is out on her own, she will contact you when she needs something. When she does, be civil, listen to what she says and validate her. When she does contact you, no discussions about the relationship and do not bring up the word divorce unless you are ready to move forward w/one. In the case of mlc, do not plant seeds in their soggy brains because that is all it takes for them to spin up and go weeds that will just aggravate you in the long run.
Continue to db. If you have changes that need to be made, make them, but also make them a permanent part of your life and not to just win your spouse back. This is a time for you to explore the world as well and learn about yourself.
You have been given the gift of time. Give her the gift of time and space. She needs both of them right now to heal.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
I can not compare to snodderly's advice at all, but still would like to share some of my experience.
My H and I started counseling right after the BD in 10-11 b/c he agreed to it. During all of that, many of his childhood hurts surfaced. We made a tiny bit of progress, but still struggled. In March 2012, he said he was done with counseling and didn't want to be married anymore. I was devastated and couldn't understand any of this. He started saying all these things about how our marriage has been horrible the whole time and he's never made his own decisions, blah blah - typical MLC stuff. He was so ANGRY all the time!
Fast forward to now....H is still at home and I only discovered DB the end of November. Prior to my 180, all talks of relationship ended with him saying the same thing - "We will never reconcile". He talked a lot about not knowing what he wanted, yet I kept pushing b/c I didn't understand any of this insanity. He said I was pressuring him and I was b/c I didn't know about DB yet. Once I learned about DB and started my 180, H noticed quickly. I've also realized that each time he felt pressure from me about making a decision, he would tell me "Never again" to hurt me but also to make me BACK OFF! It was/is his way of keeping space. Now that I realize this, I don't believe him anymore and am working diligently on detaching and loving from a distance. He is much more relaxed right now b/c I made it clear I didn't want to have any "relationship" conversations.
It appears that things are still fresh in your situation. It took me a year to even discover DB and the pain kept me buried for that long. I lost the last year or so as did my kids with me while I was in a fog of grief. I decided, right after Thanksgiving, that I didn't have to live like that anymore. DB gave me "permission" to fake being happy until I can get the feelings to follow. I also have a very strong faith and was able to finally release my H to God. I know now, after hanging on for dear life, that healing (for H and myself) can only come when I LET GO. So extremely painful, but also freeing.
Take each day and breathe....peace will come.
H42 M42 S11, D8, D6 M 18 T 25 BD 10-11 H 2nd MLC in progress (1st interrupted) H Still home but doesn't want to be
Thank you all. I have enormous respect for the people here who have been through so much and show such compassion, dignity, composure, and patience.
I've never ridden a motorcycle but I bought one on craigslist this weekend. Hoping it will be a good project and a way to GAL. My goal is to take it on a 3k mile trip to see where my grandmother was born this summer. Seemed like it was meant to be... I got a check in the mail for almost the exact asking price a few days after finding it.
In the meantime, I've been feeling really miserable. This whole experience has been such torture and our last meeting felt so final. I had to rent a truck and drive 2 hours each way to get the motorbike, which gave me a lot of time to think. I'd almost gotten to the seller's house and after spending a couple of hours in my head, I was feeling really worn down and ready to throw in the towel. Not a minute later, driving through a tidy suburban New England neighborhood I see something scrawled in black spray paint on a brick wall... in a place where you would NEVER see graffiti... it said:
"DON'T GIVE UP"
It felt like getting a direct phone call from God. I guess I am not ready to give up and needed to be told directly. So here I am, not giving up.
An hour later, out of the blue, W emailed me, told me that she "absolutely loves me" to which I replied I don't think I understand what she means. She said that she "never wanted to hurt me" and "didn't want to cause me pain". I have a feeling those are probably pretty common things for people in MLC to say (words, not backed up by actions). I told her that I didn't understand how she could imagine I wouldn't be hurt. But the next thing I wrote surprised me when it came out of my brain - I said that I needed space to understand what I was feeling.
When I wrote that, something clicked for me. I haven't heard back from her (giving me space, I suppose) but when we have our final MC session on Thurs, I'm going to ask for no contact for a month or six weeks - and then we can get dinner and talk. I think this is the right thing for me, rather than keep opening these wounds time after time. It wasn't until I saw the graffiti that I realized that suggesting no contact isn't giving up. And maybe it is, in some ways, the opposite of giving up.
____________________________ "In the midst of winter, I found there was, within me, an invincible summer." -- Albert Camus
Me:39 WAW:38 M:9 T:19, No Kids EA/PA with co-worker:9/24, ILYBINILWY, S:9/25 EA/PA on hold? (probably not), MC 9/30-now
Hi Greymeadow, I think what 'never give up' means exactly that, keep on keeping on living your life. And don't let anyone or thing get/put you down.
I'm a bit of a motorbike fan, so i'm interested in what bike you have bought?
I don't want you to get the wrong impression from the words in this song, but what it means to me is 'don't give up on yourself'.
This song was released over hear in early 1977 and it was # 1 on my 18th birthday 16th Jan.
Love Delboy
Songwriter: Tony Macaulay
Artist: David Soul
‘Don't give up on us baby’
Don't give up on us baby Don't make the wrong seem right The future isn't just one night It's written in the moonlight And painted on the stars, we can't change ours
Don't give up on us baby We're still worth one more try I know we put a last one by Just for the rainy evening When maybe stars are few Don't give up on us I know We can still come through
I nearly lost my head last night You've got a right to stop believing There's still a little love left, even so
Don't give up on us baby Lord knows we've come this far Can't we stay the way we are? The angel and the dreamer Who sometimes plays a fool Don't give up on us I know We can still come through-ooooooooo
It’s written in the moonlight And painted on the stars We can't change ours Don't give up on us baby We're still worth one more try I know we put a last one by Just for the rainy evening When maybe stars are few Don't give up on us I know We can still come through-ooooooooo
