I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[keep_going]

Sweetbriar,

I just got caught up with your situation. I have not posted to you in a long while, but I feel compelled since you are going thru such a tough, tough time and because I have gone thru a lot of what you are experiencing. I can tell you that what you have written in most of your threads and posts, I have written myself, or thought of or expressed to one (or many) friends and family as well.

I forewarn you and apologize in advance - this is a VERY LONG post...

I don’t mean to hijack with my personal biography, but I want to tell you about my sitch because I am just a bit ahead of you in this journey. My hope is that you can see that no matter what happens in the coming months, you can and WILL survive this.

My H left three days before Xmas two years ago. I was 6 weeks pregnant with our third child. Our two other daughters were 3 and 2 at the time. We had just moved in to our “dream home” two weeks before he left.

As you and everyone else, I was shocked and completely devastated when he dropped the bomb. I don’t think I said more than three words total on Xmas that year. I wanted to die and the only reason I kept going was because of my girls and unborn son.

When my H left, he had been involved in an EA for two months. He started dating other women just 3 weeks after he left, asked for a D a week later and his EA finally turned into a PA four months after he left. It’s now been two years and he is still with OW.

H spent most of last year partying and travelling with OW. I went thru my pregnancy pretty much without him, just like you. Like your H, mine was also completely detached from the girls for many months. On top of that, he neglected our finances as well.

For my part, I did everything wrong. I spend the first six months trying to “win him back” and letting him do as he wished. I had no boundaries, no sense of self, and was so fearful of him filing for D that I basically let him cake eat. I even kept silent about his R with OW. Unfortunately while I was doing all of this, I was also accumulating A LOT of anger and resentment towards the sitch and him.

I also made the mistake of having expectations. I was sure that once our S was born, he would come back. Naturally, because he had everything he wanted, not only he didn’t come back, but a week after our S’s birth he told me he was in love with OW and would pursue that R openly. I was once again crushed and continued to do everything wrong. All my anger and resentment came out and we have spent pretty much the last year fighting. I have done everything – call him, text him, ask him why, guilt him, plead, argue, fight, call him out on his lies (which continue still today), etc.

As a result, I have successfully validated his decision to leave, I have pushed him more into OWs arms and we now hardly speak to each other. He has filed for D and has now really gotten involved not only with OW’s kids and family, but has made OW a daily part of OUR children’s lives, which is what now hurts me the most.

Financially, H’s recklessness (and my conscious choice to allow it) has left us with nothing. Our life savings are gone and bankruptcy is pretty much inevitable. To top it all off, my H got laid off on 9/11 and he doesn’t seem in a hurry to find a new job, most likely motivated by a desire to force me back to work so he can come out better in the final D settlement.

Why do I tell you all of this? Not to depress you, but to tell you that all of that happened because I DIDN’T DETACH, I KEPT THE FOCUS ON HIM INSTEAD OF ME. I was so desperate to get him back, to get our life back that I failed to accept the reality that at least for now, HE IS GONE. I failed to accept that I needed to live my life accordingly and forget about him, his selfishness, his recklessness, his OW, his love or lack thereof and his feelings for me.

Look, I don’t know if our Hs are in MLC or are just WAHs. I don’t know if they are sick or not. I don’t know if OWs are the true love of their lives or if their Rs are doomed to fail because of how they started. But IT REALLY DOESN’T MATTER because those answers that you (and I) so desperately want, will NOT change our current lives in ANY way.

Look, I would have loved that what has happened to you, me and everyone on these boards had not occurred. But it did. Is it fair? Do we deserve it? In the end, IT DOESN’T MATTER. The past is gone. Our past marriage is gone and the only thing we have is our here and now and how are we going to deal with it.

Look, I have been THE WORST DBer when it comes to my H and saving my M, and I would love for you to see my case and learn what NOT to do.

And even though my H and I will be D sometime this year and I am still very much in pain about it, I have learned a couple of valuable lessons thanks to DB and this painful, painful period in my life (which is not even close to ending any time soon).

One of those is that we can shift our mindset from “Did I deserve this”, which basically leaves you in victim-mode and powerless, to “I deserve better” which empowers you to determine how you will live your life from now on.

The only thing that will change our lives and our situations and our pain NOW is a shift in focus to YOU AND YOUR KIDS…

SB, I can tell you right now, that if it wasn’t for my kids and my unborn son, I would not be here today writing this looooong post. I did not save my M and I am not proud of the way I have sometimes acted with my H since he left (or before), but I can tell you that thanks to this experience, I have become an amazing mom. I have focused my energies in my kids and used all my strength to show them a new me. A more positive me – the one I used to be and lost somewhere along the way.

I have not let my sorrow and grief get to them. I have crying sessions – when I shower, when I drive and when I am in bed at night in the dark. And I let it all out. And it still comes out after two years… And I vent with my BFF and my sister and sometimes here and with my virtual friends on FB…. But my kids NEVER see me cry because of my sitch with H. I make sure they don’t hear me talking about any of this either.

I have decided that I will show them with my example how to survive and face setbacks in life. I have decided to fake it till I make it and have them see a happy mother. And you know what? It has worked. From the woman that could not utter a sentence at Xmas two years ago, I have become a mom that does everything for my kids. I volunteer at their pre-school. I take them on hikes, to the snow, to the mountains, to the beach, sand-sledding, to the park, on playdates, to their grandparents’ house, to my MIL and SIL’s houses.

I sit down and have every meal with them and I talk to them and joke and engage with them. I watch TV with them and cuddle and we sing and dance. We read at bedtime, we sing at bedtime. We play games. I tell them I love you and kiss and hug them several times a day. I prompt them to talk about their feelings (they are still too young to fully understand the sitch, but they clearly struggle.)

Is it easy? Heck no. Sometimes I have to go to the bathroom to compose myself when they start talking about OW, how she is their BFF, how great she and her kids are… But I try as hard as I can to not let them see how any of this affects me, because even though they are young, they can perceive MOST things. And if they see me struggle, they will struggle more.

And filling my time, my mind and my heart with love for them, has helped me heal in many ways. I sure still miss my H and I still mourn the loss of my M and the dream of the life we were building, but I know I will be ok. How? Well, because it’s been 2 years and I am still here! The newborn son that I took care of without my H is now a happy toddler and my oldest D is now in Kindergarten!

So I am still trying and still going. I am still working on ME. On fixing the flaws that led me to my impending D, BECAUSE I WANT TO BE A BETTER PERSON, FOR ME... I am now trying to fix my R with others in my life. I am unlearning a lifetime of co-dependecy and abandonment issues. It’s surely taking me A LOT longer than most. I have such a long way to go and I fail miserably many days. And I am still not even at a decent co-parenting stage with my H, but I am not giving up. I know things will only get better, because I have survived two years of this, and as painful as it it, I am better today and I will continue working on myself until I reach that day where I have no anger, when I am open and ready for a new beginning, a new relationship and when I will finally be able to say “I am happy.”

And in the meantime, I have the most amazing three kids that I need to be strong for and who will in turn keep me strong (and busy – lol…). So that is how I deal with this nightmare day to day…

SB, I want to send you a huge hug. I KNOW how hard this all is. The fear, the raging hormones, the uncertainty, the feeling of being discarded at your most vulnerable, the complete destruction of our self-esteem, the sense of unfairness, the fears about parenting a newborn without your spouse. And I won’t lie, it won’t be easy, but it WILL get easier little by little.

And you have a choice – you can continue focusing on your H and dwelling on how and why or you can choose to change your mindset and focus on the amazing gift you have – your amazing daughters and the precious little angel that will come to bring a new light into your life. And he is almost here, so you’d better be ready to give him the best welcome ever! ☺

So what are you going to choose NOW?


(((((((((((((((((((Sweetbriar)))))))))))))))))))