Unpacking my bags

[scaredsilly]

wow! those are some pretty great positives! i have them, too! like you, i eat hummus for dinner often. i love it! i don't make my bed. i'm enjoying my son and his family more.

(my H didn't like our dog on the bed, either, so i trained her to sleep on a dog bed, next to my side of the bed. when she gets back in the bed with me, i'll know it's truly over with H!!)

we have gained a lot and lost some. are the gains worth the losses? only time will tell but so far, it's not so bad!

i'm so happy for you that you have such good things in your life!!!

((((((((((()))))))))))

[needgrace]

To my DB friends with gratitude:

“At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.”
― Albert Schweitzer

Thank you!!

[bustingout]

I am happy for you too NG! A great list indeed! Shows all of the GRATITUDE you have for YOUR life :-)

And thank you NG for helping me rekindle my flame (((((( )))))

[StubbornDyke]

10. learning to play silent night on the electric guitar

So, when's the concert?

[tori2012]

I was going to ask the same--about the concert. Very cool that you play electric guitar.

NG, you've been there for me so many times, and know I'm here for you. All the advice I have is continue finding things to be grateful for, and continue being close to your true self.

[needgrace]

I am reaching out for support. I have had a tough few days and have been a bit ashamed of myself which is why I have not posted until now.

I had some phone contact with W last week and thought I was ready to see her. We went for a walk on Friday. I had a plan prepared of how I was going to listen, validate and STFU. That did not happen....

She told me that she is happy with OW. I think I had assumed otherwise and had expectations. I totally pleaded, pressured, etc. She stayed adamant of course. Now this is really embarrassing....after I got home I messaged OW (who had been a casual friend of both of ours) about how i was hurt that they got together right when OW knew that W and I were trying to work things out last February and I said some other stupid things (mostly hurt, the only truly mean thing was wondering how she could feel okay about having an affair with someone else's wife)....

and then I felt so horrible later about how i had handled everything, almost right back to BD time that I texted W a few times and asked her to come over. she did not reply.

i am 17 months into this... i should have a better handle on my emotions by now. i am not sure what i am not doing right to get through this. it put me into a funk all weekend, i forced myself to go out during the day on saturday but spent all sunday just on the couch.. it was my mom's birthday yesterday too (she passed away when i was on my 20's) and that really hurt.

i have apologized to W.. and through her to OW.

we are going back to NC for now.

this morning i got out to the gym and i called a friend (the couple who stood up for us)... and asked if i could bring dinner over to their place tonight..I am not good at asking for help and have been hiding a lot of my pain. i have been isolating more since the holidays and need to get out more. i have IC tomorrow.

i am starting over and posting here is a good way to keep myself accountable..

[bustingout]

(((((((((((NG))))))))))) we are here.

Do not feel ashamed. You are HUMAN full of compassion and love. That is a very very good quality. Never be ashamed that you feel love, or hurt or compassion or sadness. I am sorry you are feeling so badly right now. We can move forward from it. We know how.

As for the timeline, I don't think we can say after x amount of time we should be here or there. We are where we are and that is where we have to work from.

Dont hide your pain NG. Share it with us. Share it because it lightens the burden of holding it alone. Because it helps work through it and release it.

So good for you to know that you need to keep going, by going to the gym and calling up a friend. You know what you need to do.

Go NC for YOU. You realized you are not ready yet. Now you know. You have knowledge now. As Cadet says, knowledge is power. You have more power now for YOU to continue on this journey of self-discovery and knowledge.

Its all in our hands. And I am with you, holding your hand as we take these steps forward.

xxx

[StubbornDyke]

((((((((((((((((NG))))))))))))))))

Just remember that these boards are so popular because we all manage to do stupid stuff over and over...

You've made lots of forward movement in the time you've been here. It doesn't happen without backslides. That's how we learn.

[needgrace]

Thanks Busting and SD. your words really helped to encourage me today.

I think I had some expectations that the holidays would change things and then she was more friendly... and i had gotten into a funk recently....a combination for disaster... a reminder that i need to keep the focus on me and keep working on GAL.

thanks for reminding me that i have made progress. i tend to negate it all when i stumble.

[needgrace]

Found this quote tonight and wanted to share:


Whatever your fate is, whatever the hell happens, you say, “This is what I need.” It may look like a wreck, but go at it as though it were an opportunity, a challenge. If you bring love to that moment—not discouragement—you will find the strength there. Any disaster you can survive is an improvement in your character, your stature, and your life. What a privilege!! This is when the spontaneity of your own nature will have a chance to flow. Then, when looking back at your life, you will see that the moments which seemed to be great failures, followed by wreckage, were the incidents that shaped the life you have now. You’ll see this is really true. Nothing can happen to you that is not positive. Even though it looks and feels at the moment like a negative crisis, it is not. The crisis throws you back, and when you are required to exhibit strength, it comes.
~ Joseph Campbell Quotes from A Joseph Campbell Companion

Just what I need to hear tonight.