Time for a new thread...my other got locked. Thanks to Ad and LIS for your helpful advice last night. The pain carried over to today and I didnt sleep hardly at all last night. Was up thinking about my life, my kids, my H and my situation. Basically doing a woe is me all night long. When I did get up this morning, I felt awful and still do. Been crying almost all day...only able to pull it together long enough to work my 4 hours:( Not sure what has gotten into me...its not like me to act like this.
So, this morning, I do something that I knew I shouldnt..and I texted H. Asked him why he has chosen this path for our family. H acted like he didnt know what path I was talking about and when I told him, he proceeded to say lots of mean things to me. Even after 5 months, he is still blaming me for all of this. Here are some things he said to me:
*I didnt think it was important to treat him good when he was with me and I have gone out of my way to kill him...its working.
*He is miserable
*leaving me was necessary
*the whole world, most importantly his kids, think Im a saint and a victim and he is a selfish monster who left his pregnant wife, unprevoked
*That something was wrong with me if I couldnt see he was miserable for the past 16 years
*He wants to get the f**k outta here..the pain is killing him...the baby, like a knife in his gut everytime he thinks about him
*he can never forgive me or love me..sorry
*there is too much ugliness to R...cant really deal with my family..too much pain and sadness
*gotta go work to support all of us (me and the kids)
*interesting..all the years we were together and he never felt love from me..and that I will make that his fault too
*His uncle has made him a great offer in AZ and he thinks he needs to take it...nobody here loves him and that fact is too painful for him to live so close
So, of course, after all this and a bit more I was very sad.. He hasn't changed at all in the 5 months he has been gone. He was OWs last night and there this morning too (he confirmed) so I guess he believes that his happiness lies within her. He doesnt believe that we can make it and get through this together with our family intact. He believes that his life with me is awful and IT WASNT. I just cannot take this anymore.
I know I was asking for trouble when I texted him...but he has been pretty decent lately when we have had contact. It is very hard for me to see that he doesnt see that we need to be a family again. How can he talk about the baby, like he has tried to be a part of him? How can he still continue to blame me? He knows that he probably looks bad in peoples eyes for what he has created and instead of making it better he wants to still blame me and threaten to run away to AZ and start over.
How can he just stop caring? Just turn off all feelings? Is is because he has OW to care about now? And he says he is miserable...but he wont come home to where he may find some happiness.
I didnt realize until today how badly he has really hurt me when it comes to my self esteem. I feel so awful about myself that this woman is better than I and worth more to him than me. I gave my life up for him and my kids. All he can see is misery in our marriage..he has forgotten all of the good and happy times. Him meeting this OW has changed everything in our lives. I think that me thinking that it will never last with her kept my hope alive...but now I see that it may last...and he may stay with her for a long time. Its hard accepting that. Its hard accepting that my kids and I will live a different life forever because he was so selfish. Its hard to accept that this is my loving H.
I worried about my girls...I dont want to damage them by me crying..and tonight we were all crying. They are sad that he told them he may move to AZ...and I keep telling them not to worry that its not set in stone..but my oldest says that even the fact that he considered it and mentioned it to them means he doesnt care. I just tried to comfort them but it brings tears to me to see them cry.
I dont think that my H will ever have remorse for what he has done. Does is really happen that some H's have remorse after they are so adament that nothing is their fault? Its hard to imagine if it does happen....its hard to imagine that this is my new life. I went from being a happy, strong, woman to a woman who is falling apart at the seams.
I hate that this has happened to me and so many of us on this board...and I hate that Im not stronger like AS or Ad or others who have been able to move on and do well for themselves. I do think that when there is OW or OM in the picture, it makes it harder though..the R is harder to achieve in my opinion.
Thanks for listening to me ramble...I just dont know which way to turn anymore..I feel so lost in this mess. H has really left me heartbroken and sad...and he doesnt even care.
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Hang in there. U r crying because you r stressed and hurting and hormonal. It will b ok. Take really good cAre of urself bcuz ur health is crucial to this all working out.
Much love,
Heather
"You know, it's times like these when I realize what a superhero I am." Tony Stark/Iron Man
“Focus on what you can do, then do it with all your heart.” Lois Wilson
BREATHE. You aren't going to die of this even though that's the reaction your body and emotions are having right now. Be mindful of that. Talk to yourself. It helps.
Do they ever realize it wasn't all our fault??? Hahahaha, yep. Many of them do. The statistics about the regret of divorce are overwhelming. In my own switch, I cannot BEGIN to explain to you the things I was blamed for. I mean, if it was raining, it was my fault. My H came back and man, I'm the best thing that ever walked the earth. I mean I am stunningly beautiful, outrageously smart, incredibly compassionate... I mean I am about as perfect as they come... hhaahahahaha. Stark contrast from when he left. And still nowhere near reality. So I caution anyone and everyone here, while we are meant to hear them and work on ourselves, there has to be balance to that. Because of the guilt and the need for justification, the problems are presented a bit out of proportion. Does that make you a bad person? Good God, no. Turn to your kids for that answer. They seem to adore you.
We are all in our own little fog when this stuff goes down. We all talk about the fog of the WAS, but as the LBS, we are also in a fog. Our happy little lives before they left and the perfection of our unions are elevated far beyond reality. We are all disillusioned, but in differing ways. And even with that. IT DOES NOT MATTER. All the rationalizations in the world are not going to change your H right now.
SB, you NEED to take care of yourself. You NEED to stop trying to force him to face himself. The ONLY thing that will force him to do that is himself. Trying to do that for him will only stall the process. You need not beat yourself up. You need not even beat yourself up because you "broke DB rules." Happens to every one of us.
Yes, this process definitely affects self esteem. And you have to find your own way to gain it back. The list of things 25 accomplished was amazing. For me? I took up kickboxing (clearly not an option for you), learned to scrapbook, took some trips with new friends, etc... Those things are the ONLY thing that will restore your self esteem. Take it from me. My H came back. Didn't do a single thing to help my self esteem issues... doing those other things? That is what helped it.
I feel so much compassion for you right now, SB, you have no idea. Keep talking. I'm praying for you.
I'm so sorry you are going through a tough time. You don't deserve this at all. Just so you know, though, we all have days/stretches like these. So, it is NORMAL is this journey we are on. It sux, but we have to release these emotions so we CAN move forward.
My response to his comments to you:
*I didnt think it was important to treat him good when he was with me and I have gone out of my way to kill him...its working. --He's not dead yet, right??? Although that might be easier for you to work through than this! LOL
*He is miserable --If OW is soooo wonderful why is he still miserable & wanting to move to AZ????????
*the whole world, most importantly his kids, think Im a saint and a victim and he is a selfish monster who left his pregnant wife, unprevoked --He IS a selfish monster who left his pregnant wife! And, yes, you ARE a saint! *That something was wrong with me if I couldnt see he was miserable for the past 16 years --REWRITING HISTORY!!! That's their justification & their deep, thick, dark FOG talking!
*He wants to get the f**k outta here..the pain is killing him...the baby, like a knife in his gut everytime he thinks about him --He is a SICK, SICK, MAN!!!
*he can never forgive me or love me..sorry *there is too much ugliness to R...cant really deal with my family..too much pain and sadness --He is INCAPABLE of any real love right now. AND, the ugliness is his own heart denying reality not to mention the ugliness of how his is treating you!
Whewwww! I feel better! Now, I can go vent on my own thread about my H!
Lots of LOVE, SB!!!! TG / Lil' GTO
M- 18 T-21 S-14,11 & 10 BD 6-18-2012 (OW-EA) H moved out 11-3-2012 10-5-13 Me- I want a divorce. I want to move on w my life. 11-25-13 Jointly filed.
SB, keep talking, keep posting, keep letting it out. You are so, so remarkable. Crying is okay, crying in front of girls is okay too, you are only human. You feel sad and weak, but you are seriously one of the strongest women I know. I would have crumpled by now and you are still standing, well, waddling, but hey :p
Listen to me. Tomorrow you look in the mirror. You affirm every time you need to that you are amazing. You have amazing friends and family. Your kids are wonderful. You can do this..I know it
SB, DB literally saved my life. It is soooo important to get your self esteem back all by yourself, and guess what, it will never leave you again because it will be all yours and come from only you. DB will do that for you.
It will teach you to stop asking questions where there are no answers and stop fighting what you can't control. And then all that energy that could be going into crying and sorrow can be going into fun new things that make you feel great. It is a choice.
It isn't a fair choice. To be fair, you should be allowed to feel trampled into the ground by the actions of your H, and left there in a mess until he comes to his senses and rescues you. If you want your power back, and more control over how you feel and where you go in life from here, pick yourself back up as many times as it takes and keep DBing.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
I love logging on and having advice..it helps sooo much..especially in the state of mind Im in right now. LIS...I would do anything for just ONE compliment from H...anything..anything nice would do. He cannot and will not say anything nice. Did your H have OW? I think that is the difference...that my H has a OW to tell nice things too and for her to give him all the love he needs...makes it harder to return because he would then have to break up with her and she is perfect according to him.
I am in a FOG..that is for sure. I feel like Im barely getting through the days. I do think that some is hormonal..but most is H not being here. Tonight, I watched my girls scratching each others backs while we watched TV and it was that moment that I had to remind myself how lucky I am to be here to see the sweetness of them EVERYDAY. Tonight my youngest D (11) came in my room before she went to bed and said to me "mom..dont worry about the baby..I will help you..I dont mind getting up in the middle of the night on weekends and in the summer...it will be fine". When she left my room...I started to cry...that my 11 year old is worrying about this stuff when she should be worrying about her room being clean!! I just love these girls I have and they mean so much to me.
Tonight I realized that H may never have the moments that I saw tonight ever again. He may never have his girls hanging out in front of the TV and just being sisters. I would never want to be in his shoes..to miss the life of these girls and this precious baby...I just dont know how he lives with himself on a daily basis. I guess that is why he wants to run away even more.
I am trying to take care of myself..and I do stay very busy. I love the idea of 25 things...I think I have done a lot since H has been gone. I do want to learn to play the guitar but money is tight now and its expensive for lessons here...I looked into it. Maybe once I get settled with baby and am working full time I can do that. In the meantime I have painted a couple rooms in my house, I am always going out with friends and GALing and of course I have done things to get ready for baby! That is going to be the biggest thing yet when he is born...a big change...and without a H...so many of my friends think that the baby may wake him up but I have NO HOPE of that. I know by his actions that if the baby meant a lot to him he would have been more a part of it than he has. I also do a lot with my girls...we keep very busy.
I believe that I have made some positive changes and when I text with H who continues with the same blame game, it hurts. Not that Im doing these for him, but he doesnt notice anything. All he can see is that I ruined his reputation because I have so many friends and so much support...and he hates that. So far, nothing has made him make any steps closer to me or R....and I was getting anxious. That is why I texted him because the NC wasnt doing anything for our R. Now I see after his comments that he thought process hasnt changed...and neither has his love for OW. Makes me sick to my stomach.
I just have to remember the blessings I do have in my life. Beautiful kids...good health...a beautiful house (not for sure how much longer I will have that) a wonderful family and SOOOO MANY FRIENDS....2 of them came over today and hung out just because they knew I was having a bad day. I thank GOD everyday for those things...and Im thankful for this board where I can come vent and read and know Im not alone. That my H isnt the only one out there doing these crazy things and Im not the only one out there going through it.
Now, if I can just stop crying over him and OW...tomorrow is a new day.
M:36 H:36 D14, D11, Baby due in March M:15 T:18 Met OW: 3/12 H Moved out: 8/12 Legal Sep: 11/5/12
Sweetie, I know it feels like NC doesn't work. But honestly, you haven't done any of this long enough to know that. I was in my situation a LONG time before things changed. Look at some of the other vets, they were in it way longer. You clock started in August. And unfortunately, every time we break NC, we set that clock back a bit. That is just a sad fact.
In the meantime, you have done WONDERFUL things. And you are so so strong although I know how much you don't feel like that right now. You want people to know how you feel and strong ISN'T it. But there is a disconnect between what you feel and reality at the moment. Although you are crying a lot, that doesn't signal weakness or that you are going crazy or anything of the sort. It's cleansing and it's needed and it's damn brave of you to get on here and to open up the way you do... they way so many do. It's far easier to do nothing. And sweetie, the last approach you took was doing nothing.
There isn't a single thing you can do to change his mind right now. Nothing. Stop thinking about OW. Stop thinking about him. It won't change. Let that go. He needs time and he needs distance. He will get his perspective when he gets that. And for your own sake, don't judge him too harshly. That's not to say that everyone on this board wouldn't love to take him out and thrash him, but don't. For the sake of your daughters, your baby, and yourself, it doesn't help. It hurts you more.
Keep talking. Just keep spilling it out. Even if it is saying or doing things you necessarily shouldn't. There are a whole bunch of people here who care deeply and will take your hand and walk you through it. Just keep talking.
Your post about your H reminded me why my W is blaming and angry. It is guilt and the fact that like you, I am getting more of the support than she is from family and friends. Most think she is off her rocker and she resents that....Just like your H. Well that is something they cannot take away from us. The love and dignity we have from those close to us.
Your d's will help you. They sound beautiful and clearly have maternal instincts. They will feel a part of it all. So glad you have that love with your kids, family and friends. That is priceless.
M17 yrs. me49 xW47 d15 d11
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
