Hi Kaffe. Why do you feel she can make her M better? I haven't been here long enough nor heard enough to draw a conclusion. But I'm interested in why you think she could (might help me too). I actually see her H being in another room, and willingly, while also saying he doesn't want to talk about it as a big red flag. Now, that's not to say that each don't own their share, but I'm not entirely sure that H is willing to work either. And sometimes it is just easier to be detached from it. I know. I have done some time there. I definitely felt I was the WAS when he wanted to reconcile and I was on the fence. The funny thing is that when I did try? Nothing got better. NOthing changed. The drinking was the same. And, for my part, the way I handled it (not very productive) was also the same. I am just not convinced the answer is CV doesn't want it to work.
I genuinely want to understand what help she is looking for. What does she want to talk through? I fear taking a hard line approach, although CV said she appreciates it. But whichever side we're on, there is a lot of pain. It's just a matter of what approach breaks through it. She is suffering. We are always at least somewhat responsible for the suffering, but it's suffering just the same. It's like a cancer patient who smoked dying in the hospital. I mean we can sit there and accuse them of being responsible for the cancer or we can hold their hand through the suffering and figure out what support they need. And Kaffe? I'm not preaching. Because you have clearly stuck with CV and someone doesn't do that unless they care. You can be the doctor in the cancer scenario making the patient do the right things and I'll be the friend holding her hand by the bed. We need both, don't we?
Sorry CV. Don't mean to be talking about you on your thread as if you aren't there. LOL.
Hey lis, CV's H had been going to a counsellor and indicated that he wanted to work on the M and make it better. In fact, some of what CV had posted a while back, indicated he was actually trying.
Certainly, he could do better, but that will take time, for him.
In the mean time, CV indicated that his attempts to make the M better were just frustrating and annoying him because he wasn't doing a very good job.
I will submit, she also was not coaching him on how he could do a good job. Letting him actually know what she wanted.
And that is because, in her mind, like a true WAS, the M IS dead and so it's just going through the motions for a WAS. What many LBS say when they go to M counselling with the WAS and they indicate that it just becomes a blame fest from the WAS or they WAS later admits they weren't really trying because their heart wasn't in it.
Those are the things that myself, AJ and others are trying to work CV through. That her heart will finally be in it when she stops resenting her H, begins to emapthize with him, and working towards making the M better by making active, conscious, determined work towards that aim, that it becomes a habit. Then... her heart will follow...
CV is in a fairly classic cycle of resistance, resentment, revenge. Where something she does not like, she resists. The continued pressure she feels turns into resentment. Finally, she goes into revenge (which shows up in her as avoidance and withholding) towards her H.
I had mentioned a while back in my series of posts, that this M is of her making. of course, it is of her H's making, as well.
But...
In order to choose to really do the work, she has to start owning her part of the failure of the M. And it's not because she was a rescuer.
I notice CV just posted, so I will post this and see what is new, here.
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
BD1-Jul/11(Affair found out) Therapy 9 months (tried 2) BD2- May/12(sep) Court Jul/13 - I got 50/50 Sold home - Aug/13 Court #2 - Dec/13 Court#3 - Apr/14 ... She lost again We settled.
That is a playful part of you though, isn't it, CV?
You like a good challenge. I get it. It's fun. I think it's the reason you've stuck around for as long as you have through all this harassment you get from me and AJ and others...
