I knew better...but I did it anyway...

[Sweetbriar]

I love logging on and having advice..it helps sooo much..especially in the state of mind Im in right now. LIS...I would do anything for just ONE compliment from H...anything..anything nice would do. He cannot and will not say anything nice. Did your H have OW? I think that is the difference...that my H has a OW to tell nice things too and for her to give him all the love he needs...makes it harder to return because he would then have to break up with her and she is perfect according to him.

I am in a FOG..that is for sure. I feel like Im barely getting through the days. I do think that some is hormonal..but most is H not being here. Tonight, I watched my girls scratching each others backs while we watched TV and it was that moment that I had to remind myself how lucky I am to be here to see the sweetness of them EVERYDAY. Tonight my youngest D (11) came in my room before she went to bed and said to me "mom..dont worry about the baby..I will help you..I dont mind getting up in the middle of the night on weekends and in the summer...it will be fine". When she left my room...I started to cry...that my 11 year old is worrying about this stuff when she should be worrying about her room being clean!! I just love these girls I have and they mean so much to me.

Tonight I realized that H may never have the moments that I saw tonight ever again. He may never have his girls hanging out in front of the TV and just being sisters. I would never want to be in his shoes..to miss the life of these girls and this precious baby...I just dont know how he lives with himself on a daily basis. I guess that is why he wants to run away even more.

I am trying to take care of myself..and I do stay very busy. I love the idea of 25 things...I think I have done a lot since H has been gone. I do want to learn to play the guitar but money is tight now and its expensive for lessons here...I looked into it. Maybe once I get settled with baby and am working full time I can do that. In the meantime I have painted a couple rooms in my house, I am always going out with friends and GALing and of course I have done things to get ready for baby! That is going to be the biggest thing yet when he is born...a big change...and without a H...so many of my friends think that the baby may wake him up but I have NO HOPE of that. I know by his actions that if the baby meant a lot to him he would have been more a part of it than he has. I also do a lot with my girls...we keep very busy.

I believe that I have made some positive changes and when I text with H who continues with the same blame game, it hurts. Not that Im doing these for him, but he doesnt notice anything. All he can see is that I ruined his reputation because I have so many friends and so much support...and he hates that. So far, nothing has made him make any steps closer to me or R....and I was getting anxious. That is why I texted him because the NC wasnt doing anything for our R. Now I see after his comments that he thought process hasnt changed...and neither has his love for OW. Makes me sick to my stomach.

I just have to remember the blessings I do have in my life. Beautiful kids...good health...a beautiful house (not for sure how much longer I will have that) a wonderful family and SOOOO MANY FRIENDS....2 of them came over today and hung out just because they knew I was having a bad day. I thank GOD everyday for those things...and Im thankful for this board where I can come vent and read and know Im not alone. That my H isnt the only one out there doing these crazy things and Im not the only one out there going through it.

Now, if I can just stop crying over him and OW...tomorrow is a new day.