Still working on me

[sweetbabyred]

It's hard to believe that I haven't seen H in over three months and that it was only for a few seconds as he dropped something off on my doorstep as he headed to work.

What's even stranger is that the time before that was maybe two weeks before when he spent the night at my apt, hung out that morning for a few hours and mentioned installing a new hard drive on my computer for me.

And I've only had a handful of phone/text conversations in that time. When I first met H, we dated long distance for ten months or so and spent hours on the phone each night. We stopped communicating so much and that didn't help our sitch.

I'm trying not to obsess over what I can't change from the past, but at the same time I need to understand my part in what I did wrong to ensure that I don't do it again in my next R.

I'm trying to accept that, at this moment, H thinks he needs to D in order to live his life and give OW "a fair chance". I know that I'm "the better option" and that I'll be ok on my own, but part of my still has hope to reconcile as long as we're still married.

I'm not truly detached and it [censored]. I'm seriously considering going skydiving this weekend, even though it's not in my budget, just so I can truly experience not being in control and having to deal with it. I'm scared of heights, so it's a 180 and GAL all in one. Plus I'm a huge planner and budget master, so it's completely unlike me to do something at the last minute like this.

I'm used to being a perfect student and knowing that I can do anything if I put my mind to it, so detaching and waiting to see what happens is not natural to me at all. But I'm supposed to do what works and this might be it.