I so glad I found this forum, it gives me hope. Here's my story, it's really long. Background: H(34), me (32) and we have 2 kids (S12 & D9). We have been together for 14 years. I haven't read the book, but am planning on going to the library to get a copy.
Any advice would be appreciated.
For me, it started 3 years ago, 10/2009. I intercepted some facebook messages from one of H's coworker on H's phone. They were a bit too friendly, but nothing alarming. Then a month later, I got several text messages from our friend. He asked me to talk to my H about the night before. I called H at work and he played dumb. Then later, I got a knock on my front door, the family "friend" and her husband. She was bawling and apologizing profusely. I didn't understand. Eventually, she confessed that she had been texting with H but they were just friendly. I didn't think that warranted her reaction. So while she was in my home apologizing, H came home from work and walked right into it. He couldn't deny it. They left and he confessed though several hours of talking that they were flirting, then sexting and finally, pics had been exchanged. Nothing more. I was furious, hurt, devastated, the whole spectrum... I couldn't believe he did that to me.
In the following weeks, during my "investigation" I told him I was going to pull his text records and he confessed that our "friend" wasn't the only one he had been texting, although she was the first. He had been texting 2 of his coworkers, including the 1 who's messages I had found (I guess that was the beginning of that relationship). All this texting happened during a 3 week period and he claimed nothing happened physically, it was all by phone.
We didn't do counseling or anything, we just talked it out and eventually everything got better. Things went back to normal, we were finally comfortable again and putting it all behind us.
Then in June 2012, he totally ignored my birthday. I was hurt and upset. I went online on a gut feeling and saw that while he couldn't take the time to call me during the day, he had placed several calls to an unfamiliar phone number, I wrote it down and forgot about it. Several days later, after a night out I found some flirty texts on his phone that he had sent to another family friend. She didn't respond to his advances, but that prompted me to ask about the other number. He denied, denied, denied. I texted the number from his phone and found out it was one of his coworkers that he had been sexting with back in 2009. He gave me the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" and "I haven't been happy for 5 years". I was so upset, he ended up going to his mom's for several days. He spent that time crying and begging to come home. He said they'd only been texting for several weeks and it wasn't as much as before (I checked, about 100 texts over a 6 weeks period). After several days, on Father's Day, I agreed to let him come home. Again, he cut off contact with her, or so he told me...
He went to individual counseling (7/2012-9/2012) and we went to marriage counseling (8/2012-11/2012). Through all this time, he always seemed insincere in our sessions, like he was still hiding something. Finally, he said he didn't want to go to IC anymore. While there, he was diagnosed with anxiety and depression but refused meds. I thought we were making some progess in MC so I was confused. I ended up going to 2 counseling sessions alone. Finally I started reading some books.
In August, we started arguing a lot more. Since then, he has asked for a divorce numerous times, threatened to move in with his mom (she said no), and requested time and space. In Oct., I sent our kids to my parents for a week and I told him I would stay out of his way at home. He agreed but he ended up spending the week "romancing" me, cooking me dinner, taking me to a movie, etc. I was confused. At the end of the month, we went to a halloween party thrown by a coworker. "She" was there, and I noticed that H became distant. He left me sitting alone, constantly going to the rr and not coming back. He wasn't affectionate like he usually was, and I knew something was going on but had no proof.
Then at the beginning of December, I found some "sexts" on his phone. I asked him about it and again he denied, denied, denied. Later that evening, he became uncharacteristically violent and his phone was broken.
He spent the following 2 weeks without a phone, and his behavior became tolerable. He was no longer stressed, anxious, or mean. He was apologetic, polite and seemed to be normalizing. We actually talked quite a bit and he was opening up to me. He still denied that he was communicating with that same coworker, and told me that he couldn't continue counseling anymore bc the lies were too much to keep up with. He told me he wanted a divorce, and he had no desire to put any effort into our repairing our relationship. He said he was no longer interested in me. He requested more time and space, and we agreed that I would take our kids to my parents for several days during X-mas break.
Then he got a new phone and almost immediately, he changed back but worse. On X-mas eve, as I was looking through his phone and stumbled upon a fake facebook profile he had created and OW was his only friend. I asked him and he couldn't deny the proof anymore. He said they were just friends, nothing more. That he wanted his family and he would work on us when we got back. I was emotionally empty and just went to to my parents as previously agreed. As I was making the 6 hour drive, I needed some help so I called him. He ignored my calls and texts. Later that night, he confessed to me that he went to see OW to "break up with her and say good-bye."
During our time away, he called me and asked that we come home because he missed us and he didn't need anymore time. I told him I could extend my time if he felt like he needed it. He said no, he was sure and that he was ready to work on us. I came home, but could see that nothing had changed. That was last Sunday. Since then, he has jumped in and out of reconciliation everyday. He hasn't stopped messaging or talking to OW. He wants more time and space. He is all over the map. He's asked for D several times, then wants R.
I'm so lost and confused. From my research, I believe he is experiencing a midlife crisis, and I hate that his emotions are controlling us. I don't know what to do.
I am hopeful because he's still talking to me even if he's being rude or mean. He hasn't left the house. He has left the bed for the past 2 nights, but he's been coming and going for the past 3 months. I really want to keep our marriage intact and I don't know how or where to start.
