I need help really bad and really fast

[asadgirl]

Hello and thank you for allowing me to join this wonderful community. I have been watching from afar and studying for days and waiting on my account to be approved. So here I am and boy am I mess.
This will be very long but I will be as short and precise as possible.
I apologize profusely for this obnoxiously long post. Sorry.
*I am a teacher ; absolutely love children; was put on this earth to be a mommy and wife; always put others first; go out of my way to do things the “right” way, but drop the ball on other things. Unorganized and chaotic as of late. Think , well I know, I am depressed and suspect it has been for a while.
*met husband in fall of 2008, we were both fresh onto the dating scene after divorces.
* I have 2 children, he has 3; all about the same age
* An absolutely wonderful relationship while dating
* Married in Feb 2010
* things were great first year
* second year started going downhill because of his kids and I not having the relationship with me that he had always dreamed of. It wasn’t the relationship I wanted either.
* I started to try and make the relationship with my husband and his kids stronger….there were many of the same things you hear a lot about…..him not wanting me to discipline his kids, his children were allowed to call me names. use language at the table that was very inappropriate, talked very disrespectful to me and worse to him, his son hurt my daughter many times physically, told my children that I stole their dad and also that the house we live in now is their dad’s house and not theirs. That their dad could take it away at any time.
* So my trying wasn’t ever going to work since I started to back off. The more I backed off the more I was accused; the more I was accused the more I began to detach. And there we go. I was accused several times by his children that I would give them a smirk or call them names when he left the room. Even when they were caught lying they were never disciplined.
*I begin to lose respect for him and he does for me.
* I put up with the past 3 years of mental and emotional anguish.
*I grew up with an alochoholic father and manipulative mother. I do not drink but my husband tells me all of the time I am manipulative and controlling; maybe I am to an extent but I don’t think I am to the point he accuses me of.
*He grew up with a haphazard dad. His dad came and went; gambler; I could almost diagnose him myself as bipolar and narcissist. My husband has severe anxiety and things are black and white. He can’t forgive and has to get even. I witnessed this with his dad and ex wife.
*After a hard past couple of months I was ready to start working hard on our marriage. In December it was very stressed and tense but he had a court date with his ex that they had been fighting for 4 years and she had put it off and put it off. He “won” as he had wished. So I thought with that over we would start to work things out in the New Year.
*Christmas day we didn’t get to have our children on that morning since they were with our exes. We awoke, piddled around, wrapped some last minute gifts and everything was going great.
*Our children arrived and we opened gifts. His son made some very disrespectful comments that I ignored. And I am not saying by any means my children are perfect but if my kids ever said anything about not liking Christmas at our house because he got more at his mom’s or dad’s….well it just wouldn’t happn. I have raised them with a little more respect. Anyway, opened gifts and I made a nice big lunch. Sat down to eat and step son decided to start making farting sounds and burping. I asked him to please stop. He continued and I got a look from my husband like “You better shut the f,,,ck up”. SS continued and then I had it. I told him if he did it again that I would take a gift away. My husband looked at me and said “Oh no you are not”. That hurt, but was expected. So we get through dinner with no casualties. A few hours later I was to go to my mom’s house to visit and had given my husband the option of not going since he only had his kids a few hours. He had said before he would go but at this point changed his mind. “Oh he is pouting now, Great” I thought. So we went and returned a few hours later. When I arrived he was hurrying his kids out of the house and said “Say goodbye to everyone”.
*At this point I could tell by his demeanor that it wasn’t going to be a fun night. However, never in a million years did I think what was about to occur, would.
*He returned home. Immediately asked me to meet him up in our room. I did so.
He then looks at me with the worst look I have ever seen and says “I want you gone. I want a divorce. I can’t stand to look at you. I hate you. I don’t love you. You disgust me. You haven’t changed anything and I will not put my children through this another second”.
Of course I was speechless and automatically lost my sh..t. I started defending myself and asking what happened. Apparently after I left, his kids started crying that they wanted to go their mom’s house. He told them they had to stay the time he was allotted for visitation. I am assuming the next thing was done to manipulate him since they had already told my son they were going home early and wanted to play with the “really a lot cooler stuff their mom got them”. So once my husband told them they had to stay he said that his son was “bawling crying in his lap begging him to let him go to his moms and not to have to stay at the house anymore” with me of course. Or he said it was in so many words.
Well this is where I think I went majorly wrong. I had a melt down. I started begging and pleading. And I haven’t stopped since. I have had a few moments of sanity but all in all, I am just downright crazy right now. I DO NOT WANT THE DIVORCE!!! But what do I do. Tonight he said he wants me out of the house as soon as possible. Does not want me here past March 1st. Does not love me. IT IS OVER. Has asked me to respect his wishes and please just get out. Says there is nothing I can do to get him to stay. However I am a freaking mess. I go from one extreme to the other. And when he tells me these things it makes me physically ill. I literally can only take care of minimum things right now and just want to ball up and cry.
The thing I did notice is that he feels almost giddy. As soon as I am finished with a meltdown of crying and pleading, he seems almost “high”. And then almost acts as if everything is normal. Playing with my kids, telling me to try and be happy…all while he just got finished telling me horrible things.

I just need help and the psych can’t see me until 2 weeks. My GP can’t see me for another week or two so I can at least get put on anti depressants.

I am just a mess. I want someone to sit me down…shake me…and say “OK, here is the plan. This is what you are going to do.”