Thanks AnotherStander, you're right. And sometimes I don't like to see that I'm behaving less than stellar yet again. But yes, I have been focused on the one argument we had that I see as tainting all the other good weeks.
The wanting to 'escape the bs' was not so much the situation we're currently in, but more so the way he dismisses me in arguments with things like " if you don't like it, then be on your way". I know it's mainly said out of anger, but on top the complete void of intimacy, and his prior threats to leave, I'm just way too sensitive - and so it blows things out of proportion for me, and I want to run away from it.
I guess sometimes I don't want to be the bigger person. I miss the "I love you!" or "you're so beautiful" comments. Such is life, and stuff happens, and we have to deal with it. But this week I've not been at my best. Tomorrow's another day. I've just felt really defeated these past couple of days, and yes - blaming him as if I have nothing to do with it.
I am really emotionally raw today for some reason, and so in order to not get into an argument or "tell him how I feel" today, I just stayed busy with work, and was running around the house. When he got home to get ready for work, I was as pleasant as I could be, left the room when he was in it, and made small talk as much as possible. But I'm still needing to detach at the same time. I will take your good suggestion and read the book again! I like to read it from time to time, but I had completely forgotten that there's a section about diffusing arguments!
I also need to detach some more because if I don't, this will drive me crazy. I can't believe the series of emotions I can go through in a couple of days, when a couple of weeks ago I thought I was fine. I mean I was feeling so much pain today, and I hated it! I felt like everyone I saw or spoke to that I knew was healthier than me. I was certain my friends were thinking I was weak for putting up with this. Or that I'm too screwed up to have a happy M.
I keep coming back to that I don't understand how to be his friend and not feel like I'm being played for a fool at the same time. What if he's not in a MLC or confused, and is just here in the house with me, biding his time until he feels strong enough to leave?
How do we continue to be a friend and kind, and a spouse they wouldn't want to leave, while all the time not knowing if it's truly getting better, or they're just plotting their escape? Which could come in 3 years time? Am I neurotic? I'm just going to focus on today, and I guess we'll see what happens tomorrow. Thanks again.
